Old People

I am walking Monkey (the dog) down the street as an elderly couple approaches holding hands. It was like one of those commercials for a Diamond is Forever. As they get close I catch a bit of the conversation:

Elderly Man: When I was a boy my mom would make spaghetti with meat sauce, sometimes she even made sloppy joes.
Elderly Woman: What a cute dog!

The couple release their hands to walk around me and said dog. As the couple separates, the woman lets out a thunderous fart. Nothing more is said. They re-embrace as they pass me.

A fart is forever!

If it bleeds, we can kill it

So I am sitting at the bar at Mozza when I look over and see Sanaa Lathan sitting right next to my brother. For those who don't know, Sanaa was in one of the greatest movies of all time, Alien Vs. Predator. After a few awkward moments of staring, I was sure enough to let my brother in on my vast useless knowledge. Without missing a beat, he asks Sanaa if she was indeed in the movie. Once she confirmed her identity the conversation took a weird turn. Instead of talking about how she became good friends with the predator, Scar, and saved the earth, we talked about what restaurants to visit in LA. Nishimura was at the top of my list.

**My one regret is not commending her on her performance as an organ stealer married to Larry Hagman on Nip/Tuck. Maybe next time.

New Interesting Facts

I would never bang a hooker because I would think the whole transaction would be patronizing.

I had a dream that Christie Brinkley was Jennifer Lopez's mother

My brother is in the process of writing the Holocaust Two - the Musical

I gave a friend career advice yesterday that worked.

I really want a drill press

Writing lists like this makes me a super douche.

Economy Worsens - No more Korean Facials

Korean Facials has to be a porn title. Let me look. I cheated and typed Korean Facial Porn into google to get these amazing results. Sadly, I am not talking about that kind of facial. I am talking about the kind where I go to old town Torrance and have a Jehovah's Witness rub my face while telling me that the males of all species are better looking than the females. The Peacock was the example that proved her hypothesis.

I am one handsome Peacock. Watch me strut.
Picture taken while I was compromised!

Observation with regards to the economy

There was a homeless man eating a container of peanut butter outside my local supermarket last night. What's odd about that, you ask? He was dressed in the following:
Magnum P.I. short shorts
Torn Huarache Sandals
Navy Blazer with gold buttons

The best part is I caught a bit of his conversation with what I can only assume used to be the president of Cannon Films.

"I would have been gay for Robert Conrad from The Wild Wild West show. He was a handsome man."

Awesome!

Neurosis - One man's struggle with a permanent marker

As the day went on the paranoia about a heart attack became acute. I drew a line on my arm. I figured if the bruise/clot made it that far, death was imminent. Alas the bruise never moved. Maybe next time.

Fear of pleated pants and blood clots

It has been a rough week for my company. There was a layoff and I honestly can say I don't wish being jobless on anyone right now. By anyone I am really referring to myself. Whereas some people with OCD have an insane fear of prison I have an insane fear of going to work at some big corporation. Can you picture the horror? I am wearing tan pleated dockers with a sweet cuff. Just to finish the pants off we will say they are an inch too short. I go to sleep dreaming that the following morning I will wake up working IT in some cube surrounded by Patels. No offense my Indian brothers. I must do everything in my power to make sure that never happens.


Oh and I have a weird bruise on my left arm this morning. Fear of a heart attack is also in the cards for the day. Happy Friday!!

The George Costanza Conundrum

Dear George

I have a friend that I always break plans with. Tomorrow I am supposed to go with him somewhere but I seriously want to cancel. It has nothing to do with him. I just don't feel like going. I know he is waiting for the call where I say, "I am OUT!!!" So the question is do I go to prove him wrong.

Sincerely,
Barry - a flakey friend

Dear Barry,

This reminds me of the time I was desperately trying to get out of a relationship but I refused to break up with the girl just to prove her and her friends wrong about me. They kept telling her, he won't commit, he will break your heart, blah, blah, blah. They were right, but do you think I was going to let them know that. I stayed in that relationship until the whole episode was over. Was it because I loved her? No! Was it because I was paid a boat load of cash to be on a hit sitcom? No! I stayed in that relationship purely out of spite for her and her friends.

In closing, Barry, don't tell your friend you don't want to go. Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing what kind of person you are. Instead make being around you soo miserable that he will bail on you. This way he is the bad guy.

Sincerely,
George - It isn't a lie if you believe it is true.

Last Chance to Vote!

Do you really want to tell him you didn't vote!!



Barack and McCain will clearly be sent to the Phantom Zone!!!

Shopping at the drug store

You would think there would have been at least one guy with his collar up in this aisle.

*Picture taken in Rite-Aid

Be my black girlfriend

I don't think Chocolate News is as funny as The Chapelle Show. Is it wrong to compare the two just because they both are on Comedy Central and have Black stars?



*David Alan Grier you will always have a place in my crispity crunchity butterfinger heart.

Lazy Writing

My writing style has gotten a bit lazy lately. Its like I sat on my hand, waited for it to fall asleep then started typing. Oh wait, I am thinking of something else I like to do. Today much to by chagrin, I was called out on my lack of enthusiasm for the written word. I was told at the very least I could pretend to care by proof reading. I swear to do a better job pretending to care in the future.

Useless Facts

I have decided to start an ongoing segment where people can learn useless facts about me. It will be broken into seventy-three sections with eleven sub parts. I am joking. I am sure I will give up after writing this one. Here we go:

I hate rust but I like patina - Dumbest fact ever
I love butterscotch pudding - preferably hot
I have serious ADD - self diagnosed
Smell is my favorite sense - see butterscotch pudding fact
Poop jokes never get old - It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - Who Pooped the Bed? Season 4 Episode 7
I wish women gave birth to puppies instead of babies - no need to explain.

That's it for now.

My life explained!

I know for a fact my mom didn't breast feed me.

Breast-Fed Baby May Mean Better Behaved Child

Favorite line in the article:

And the likelihood of mental health issues decreased in proportion to the duration of breast-feeding, meaning that a child who had been breast-fed for a year was less likely to have behavior problems than a child who had been breast-fed for just two months.

Donut Man

I drove 50 miles one way this weekend to eat a donut. I really don't see that as a problem. I ordered four, took a bite out of each and threw the rest away. It felt like that episode of Three's Company where the food critic comes to Jack's restaurant, takes a bite of food and leaves. The only difference was no one working there cared that I didn't finish my food. That and the fact I was screaming "DON'T JUDGE ME", while waiving my sugary hands at the guy behind the counter.

One bite of Rasberry
One bite of Bavarian
One bite of a Cream Cheese (better in theory)
One bite of powdered sugar

Donut Man, it's good, but personally I'm a Randy's kind of guy.

Thirty Years ago I cried like a girl

When I was a toddler my mom took me to see Watership Down. I sort of remember seeing some rabbits and blood before the tears blocked my vision and my mom asked the 15 year old behind the counter for her money back. Rabbits aren't supposed to hurt each other. It's been thirty years and I still don't think I could make it through the movie.

Oh the horror!

So Ridiculous

Thanks Colleen for helping me love myself almost as much as you do; love yourself that is.

Video

Mickey Mouse Hands

I have been told over the years that I have large hands. Well large hands would have been a compliment. I have been told that I have the following:
*French Toast Stick fingers
*Fish Stick Fingers
*Sausage Link fingers
*Smooth Down Syndrome Hands (no lines)
*Fat Fingers

and the best, by my girlfriend's mother, Mickey Mouse hands. Look what she sent me for my birthday.

Me typing this post



Sadly they are quite comfortable.

I sent a man to death on my birthday

Today I turned 33 years old. It feels like yesterday that I was lying on my bedroom floor playing with a couple of gijoe figures. Oh wait, it was yesterday. People have been asking me all day what I was doing for the big day. Was I going anywhere special, blah, blah, blah. Beat this, today I had jury duty. What better gift could a person ask for than deciding the fate of another human being? I sat patiently all day waiting to be chosen. I was hoping my case would be settled in the alley behind the courthouse. There would be sub-titles, me dressed as some sort of shogun, and with the flip of a coin, someone would be put to death by villagers with torches. Alas, all that happened was, I ate a egg and cheese sandwich and fell asleep in the back of the jury waiting room. Next time!

Calisthenics

In six or seven years I will be the model of fitness.