Shot Clock

My brother mentioned that he has a new friend who likes to read my blog. According to my analysis this new friendship will be over soon. Enjoy it while you can.

Gay movie ruins cool tattoo

I always dreamt that one day I would have the balls to get the Arashikage family crest tattooed on my forearm. It was to be my ultimate tribute to the greatest action figure ever made -Storm Shadow.

Thanks Hollywood for making my dream beyond gay.

Here is a picture from the new GIJOE movie.

Sad, Sad Day

As many of you might already know the creator of the Egg McMuffin died yesterday. If there was ever a person who could be credited with making me the man I am today it was Herb Peterson.

A public memorial service will be held April 23 at All Saints by the Sea church in Montecito.
Details are sketchy but this is what I have heard so far:

Mayor McCheese is said to be working with Constable Big Mac on closing down the streets on the day of the funeral to help ease traffic to and from the cemetery.

Ronald is scheduled to give the eulogy as it is rumored that Birdie the Early Bird is too distraught to even go.

Uncle O'Grimacey and Grimace will play the bagpipes as a tribute.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, Canadian Bacon to Canadian bacon. Time to go to that great Hamburger Patch in the sky.

Stolen Thunder

I want to do this with my Defender:
Roof Tent

Thirty-five and life to live

Thirty five years ago my mother started convincing my brother that at any moment we could be living on the street. With that said and the fact that today is his birthday, I felt rewriting Skid Row's classic 'Eighteen and life to live" in his honor would only be fitting.

Lewis was a young boy
He had a heart of stone
Lived 9 to 5 and worked his
Fingers to the bone

Just barely out of school
Came from the edge of town
Fought like a switchblade
So no one could take him down

He had no money, ooh
No good at home
He walked the streets a soldier
And he fought the world alone
And now it's

Thirty-five and life you got it
Thirty-five and life you know
Your crime is time and it's
Thirty-five and life to go
Thirty-five and life you got it
Thirty-five and life you know
Your crime is time and it's
Thirty-five and life to go

Tequila in his heartbeat
His veins burned gasoline
It kept his motor runnin'
But he never kept it clean

They say he loved adventure
Lewis's the wild on
He married trouble
Had a courtship with a gun

Bang, bang! Shoot 'em up
the party never ends
You can't think of dying
When the bottle's your best friend
And now it's

Thirty-five and life you got it
Thirty-five and life you know
Your crime is time and it's
Thirty-five and life to go
Thirty-five and life you got it
Thirty-five and life you know
Your crime is time and it's
Thirty-five and life to go

"Accidents will happen"
They all heard Ricky say
He fired his six-shot to the wind
That child blew a child away

Thirty-five and life you got it
Thirty-five and life you know
Your crime is time and it's
Thirty-five and life to go
Thirty-five and life you got it
Thirty-five and life you know
Your crime is time and it's
Thirty-five and life to go


It's your day. Have it your way!

I have been commissioned

I have this friend from college, Brandi, (or is it with a y? We aren't that close.) who is going through a divorce and thinks I would be a good candidate to write a screen play based on her life. Being that she has four kids I guess I should write something for Lifetime. Obviously I am allowed some creative license. I just can't decide if I am going the single mother raising four kids while working in a coal mine route after her babies' daddy ran off or the mother by day, prostitute by night route. I mean either way I am guaranteed a daytime Emmy.

Celebrity Arch Nemesis - John Mayer

Without even taking music into account, I hate John Mayer. Let's look at the facts:
Collects vintage Rolexs - I have to wait for people to die to get mine.
Drives a blue Defender - I also drive a blue Defender - draw
Entering the Gumball 3000 - Do I even need to comment on this rally of epic proportions?

I could go on but my anger has overwhelmed me. Thankfully I am not taking into account that he has talent or bangs Hollywood starlets.

Check out John Mayer's blog

Keep it in mind

19

Boot and Rally

If I win the lottery, I am funding a rally team. Feel free to write me and tell me why you are worthy to join.

What's in a name

A friend of mine called me last night asking why my name was on his 1099G. Apparently it said Payer's FEIN number at the top. I tried to explain to him that the Jews controlled the IRS. He didn't buy it.

Federal Employer Identification Number (FEIN)

Proud of a job well done

My finest achievement in 5th grade:

Friends

Two months after meeting:


Twenty years after meeting:


We haven't aged a bit.

REDRUM

I just found this photo of my brother as a baby.


How creepy is the fact that in the picture is a picture of him in the same outfit? I just blew my mind.

Mad Skills

I have a mini competition going (at least in my head) with Colleen (from elementary school) about who can pull out funnier pictures/writing samples from childhood. She just sent me this little gem of mine from 6th grade:

The happiest time of my life

Sonesta Beach Hotel, Key Biscayne, Florida 1981

I have no explanation for my mood in these photgraphs but I like to believe this trip made me the person I am today.

Fancier people than you wear socks as gloves

But mom I really want a pair of Freezy Freakies

Also applicable to these pictures:

Mercedes in garage - check
Rolex on both parents' wrists - check
Fur coat for mom in closet - check
Gloves for child - . . .

A moment frozen in time

This picture was taken exactly 12 minutes before I learned every curse word in the book (not sure which book) and 14 minutes after my friend nicknamed my mother Madame Afro.

It felt like I was looking in a mirror

I am in the middle of litigation with Arnold Schwarzenegger over who really came up with the idea for the movie Twins. Clearly my brother and I went through the same experiences as Arnold and Danny Devito years before that movie came out.



Obviously no disrespect towards my brother. I mean come on. So he was a bit heavy. It looks like I haven't eaten in months! We are both now in perfect shape.

Welcome to America

I remember it like it was yesterday, coming to America via Ellis Island. I had my ticket pinned to my sport coat. We were in search of a better life. A life where my brother could have a real Rolex and not a fake one from a store in Teaneck.


Seriously, I think my outfit came from a dumpster behind a Greek restaurant.

I felt the love

The scanner is fully operational!!!


I think my brother was showing me love in the same way Lennie would show a rabbit love.