Blackleg Barry

In this time of need I wanted to let Hollywood know that I am available to write. I have no shame crossing the line. If you need me for an episode of 30 Rock, I am there. The same goes for working on Days Of Our Lives or Hotel Erotica Cabo edition.

Actual License Plate

No joke. I was behind this car last night.

Butterscotch

Esquire - November 2007

P 142 - Foods you'll be enjoying aplenty in 2008: Butterscotch

The world is beginning to recognize.

So glad I bought butterscotch pudding futures.

Butterscotch the dog

Casa Bonita

I am not sure if I mentioned this before but my office moved to a new building. For the most part there is nothing special about the new digs unless you count having Casa Bonita studios as your neighbor a big deal. Oh wait, I do!!!! Casa Bonita studios is where they make South Park. For the last few weeks I have been thinking of ways to show Trey Parker and Matt Stone that what they really need is a third partner. Sure they have made it tens years already, but I have my doubts they can keep it going without me. I thought I was finally being called up to the big leagues on Thursday when someone from Casa Bonita came into my office and asked for the guy who drove the blue land rover. As I was about to say my good byes to the suckers around me, the south park employee informed me I parked my car in a Casa Bonita reserved spot. Something about getting that piece of shit out of the exec spot for his M5. This might not have been my opportunity but at least they know me. I am the douche with the blue land rover.

It is a start.

Werwolf Bar Mitzvah

Why can't I write for 30 Rock? Oh, that's right, no talent. Damn!! On another note how amazing is this clip? I could go on about how amazing a werewolf Bar Mitzvah would be, but all this clip does is make me think of my own Bar Mitzvah. I don't even think we played Coke/Pepsi. I think my mom bought a fur coat with my gift money. Well not the bonds. That paid for the new aluminum siding 10 years later.

Gym Douche

I recently found myself reading Men's Health when I came across an article regarding that guy who plays the "transporter". It was all about how he got in sick shape by working out at some gym near LAX. The article included a link to the gym's website. The gym supposedly specializes in unconventional workouts; climbing ropes, kettle balls, etc. Being that I have become a serious fat ass lately, I figured I would get in contact with the gym and see if I could sign up for a few sessions with a trainer. Here is the email exchange between me and the gym:

My initial email:

Hi Logan,

I saw the article in Men's Health regarding your training. I live in Los Angeles and would like to meet with you to see if you could train me. I think the article said your gym was around LAX. Shoot me an email or call so we can discuss.

Thanks

Barry

The douchey response:

Hi Barry,

Thanks for inquiring about Epoch Training.

Hopefully the following will answer some or all of your questions regarding our efforts.

Our main facility is located in Los Angeles. We do not have packages, programs for the public or anything even close to memberships. Our clients aren't barcodes, screen names or numbers. Tours of the facility are not an option. We're not being elitist or aloof, that's just how it is for now. We are working on projects until '08 so no new clients will begin before then.

Here's how we work. Epoch provides training to individuals and small groups after an initial screening interview and training session. If the potential client has the right mindset, motivation and discipline to reach their stated goals, a training cycle will be agreed upon and the fees will be established. Training can cease at any time if the client is not meeting their end of the agreement and making the type of progress they are capable of making.

Regarding the simplicity of our web presence, there's no gentle way to say it so here it is. We don't have the time and are not concerned with displaying our craft to those who aren't actively participating in it. The online fitness model is out there already. Epoch Training isn't in line with simple pre-packed fitness programs that are more accessible and marketable to the masses. Unless one becomes actively involved with us, the site and this email are the only information publicly available regarding Epoch Training.

We do not utilize "a program." The training cannot be easily or completely described as it is tailored for each individual and the context in which we find ourselves. Our knowledge and the training progressions of our clients are constantly evolving. Of course, we utilize the following: intervals, "strongman" type activities, rowing, Olympic & power lifting, sprinting/running, gymnastic/body weight movements, trail running & hiking, circuits, Military O-course type events, agility/stability drills and whatever seems right in a given context. These methods and more are mixed in whatever fashion is appropriate for a given individual's goals, ability level and temperament. Variability and creativity make particular, purely physical descriptions insufficient and distracting.

All of this is then stacked on top of serious discussion regarding nutrition and other lifestyle factors that influence health and performance. We do our best to explore and modify outside factors that can either help or hinder progress in the gym. It's all related. The totality of lifestyle stresses; nutrition, sleep/recovery, personal relationships, physical injuries, etc. seems to be what holds people back so that is addressed alongside the training itself.

If Epoch sounds right for you and you'd like to be considered as a client, please tell us more about yourself and what you're after.

Thank you for being curious. We wish you the best in your pursuit of a more complete and effective training regimen.

Regards,

Logan

My absurd response:

Logan,

I served in Long Range Recon Patrols in Southeast Asia. Left the service to study mystic martial arts with the Arashikage family. I was living an ascetic existence alone in the High Sierras with a pet wolf named Timber when I decided I needed to get back in the game. I have been living in Los Angeles for the past few months. I am looking to sharpen my skills and my overall cardiovascular shape so I can sign up for another tour with the special forces. I read the article about the transporter guy and was intrigued.

The ultimate comeback:

Gosh Barry, if you studied under Storm Shadow and Snake-Eyes I highly doubt there's anything you could possibly learn from Epoch Training.


Take care,


He seemed like a douche but the fact that he knows his GIJOE means he isn't all bad.

Well played

Deuce

Am I the only one who thinks Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo has a good soundtrack? Seriously look it up if you don't believe me.

"Deuce, you the best he-bitch in my man stable. If I had two more manginas like you, I'd be a millionaire."

Oprah's Vagina

Last night I realized why the creators of South Park are rich and I am not. I caught an older episode where Oprah's vagina and anus take hostages so they can escape to France. It doesn't end well for them. First the anus gets it, then the vag. Isn't that how it always happens? A bunch of other clever stuff happens but I can't get past her vag holding a revolver.



Wiki

Not Dead

I just figured after my 300th post most people would have lost interest in what I had to say. How many times can I mention butterscotch pudding before I am assassinated? Well by popular demand (one second cousin, one aunt, and one homeless lady), I am back to blogging.

New topics will include:

Pudding in history
Pudding in politics
Cooked versus Instant pudding
Subaru Brats and presidents

Keep your eyes open. Relevant posts coming soon!!!

Oh, and enjoy the new layout!

300th Post

Has it been 300 already? Dear little baby Jesus, who's sittin' in his crib watchin the Baby Einstein videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors. I would like to thank you for giving me the strength to write 300 posts over the last couple of years. Oh, and happy birthday Will Farrell. Has it been 40 years already?

Screen Writing for Dummies Idiots

In screen writing this week one of my classmates pitched a complete rip off of the movie Barbershop. I was going to call him on it but he did replace Ice Cube with Paul Walker and substitute a Spa for the Barbershop. Pure genius I tell ya!

13 Year old Truck - Car Mitzvah

After waiting 13 years I finally grew some pubes, I mean got the truck I coveted since I was 19 years old. It was delivered the other day and I am beyond happy. Sure, I overpaid and sure, when I drive on the highway it feels like I am bobble head toy, but that has not made my love waver. I really need to work on my neck muscles by the way.



Batman Mego Doll - got 'em
Land Rover Defender - got 'em
1982 GIJoe collection in the original packaging - need 'em

More than meets the eye

There is a great article in Slate about how the original Transformers movie is far superior to the new one that came out today. I have to agree without even seeing the new one. After all, the original was not only Orson Welles' last movie, but Scatman Crothers' and Judd Nelson's as well. So many actors died in the months after production wrapped, whether it be to cancer or just bad career choices.

The movie caused me great distress like it did for most kids in 1986. I mean Optimus was dead almost instantly. Sadly, my distress came from wondering if my grandmother had passed away around minute thirteen. She closed her eyes as we sat down in the darkened theater. Until I heard snoring coming from the seat next to me midway through the movie, I thought Unicron had taken another great. Grams was eventually taken during the rise of Cobra-La a few years later.

Bye, Hat

Today I said goodbye to a my Mini Cooper. His nickname was 'The Hat' because his roof rack kind of looked like a hat, or at least it did in my mind. He will be missed. I hate change.

Fear can hold you prisoner. Hope can set you free

Even though I like my current job (he says as he fears co-workers read his blog), I still dream of being paid millons of dollars to write. My first script will be called the Cubeshank Redemption. I don't have all the details worked out but I am picturing a cross between Office Space, Shawshank Redemption, and Robocop. More details coming soon.

Intro to Screen Writing starting next Thursday at UCLA . . . so it begins.

Dirty Barry

You ever have the dream of owning a gun? You can be all tough and wip it out when a burgler breaks into your house. I always picture holding it sideways and saying to the would be perp, "This aint yo lucky day, bitch." I went to the gun range yesterday to see how hard I really was. After squeezing off a few rounds with a Glock, I realized not very. Usually, Jewish male and gun in the same sentence would be followed by "killed by." I now know why. Firing a 9mm pistol into a paper target is fucking hard. At twenty feet with one eye closed I was able to hit two lungs and a kidney (pure luck). At twenty-one feet I wasn't even able to hit the target. I left the gun range with a bloody left hand (think I caught my skin of my hand between the clip and gun). What a pussy.

Scared Straight

Today I was taking a very important lunch meeting at the Beverly Hills Hotel Coffee Shop. In the middle of my pitch to sell a tv show about how back hair is good for the environment to my waiter, Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi walked in. It appears they wanted to have a meeting with my waiter as well. They pitched a story about a tuna salad and a turkey sandwich. I think it is going to be an animated short, but I could be wrong. In any event when I left, Porita and I locked eyes for what felt like an eternity. In the next couple of weeks don't be surprised if you read in People magazine that Portia has left Ellen. I think I turned her.

Apology

I wanted to apologize for my lack of posts lately. In my defense I hope you all realize that these things don't just come out of nowhere. Each post is hand crafted in my mind. Early on in the writing process, I select the best of the young posts and reserve them for this blog. As the posts develop, they are constantly examined and evaluated to ensure they are maturing as expected. My posts are aged longer than most other posts. The additional aging gives the posts more richness, more mellowness, and more complexity. My posts are distintively different. My posts have more rye whiskey and use an exclusive batch base whiskey process. This additional rye gives my posts a more spicy, nutty top note, while the extra batch base increases its creamy smoothness.

Are you feeling the love?

I am out!!!

I am done with gossip sites. My day will no longer consist of scanning the following sites:
The Superficial
Perez Hilton
D Listed
I don't like you that way
Pop Sugar
Popoholic
X17Online
TMZ
Hollywood Tuna
Drunken Step Father

I can no longer read this shit. How do we live in a world where Paris Hilton is free after three days?

BARNEY!!!!!!!!!!!

The gods spoke to me tonight. They said, "Barry, buy Fruity Pebbles. It is a good source of fiber." By gods, I mean the two homeless dudes outside Vons. In any event, they are right. It says so right on the box:

Sensible Solution
Good Source of Fiber
10 Essential Vitamins & Minerals

I just had my second bowl of the night!!!