Worst Day Ever!

I just got news that Dom Deluise died last night. I am speechless. You will be missed more than you can imagine.

Da-dum-duuummmm! I, am Captain Chaos! And this, this is my faithful companion, Cato... Say hello, Cato!

Meh so what

Fact or Fiction - Old Women love Vests

Old women love vests. I can deny it no longer. My mom came for a visit recently and she insisted on throwing on her Land's End fleece vest if there was the slightest nip in the air. I really didn't give this much thought until the other day when I saw two older women crossing the road. Would you know it, both were wearing vests and visors (The visor, a topic for another day). At that moment I realized there was some correlation between age and the coat with no sleeves, but alas the light changed color and I was unable to get a photo to back up my theory. Last night I was out to dinner when I saw an old lady two tables away wearing a vest. I wanted to take her picture but I thought she might get creeped out as I wasn't wearing any pants at the time (a topic for another day). So I am ask you this, is it fact or fiction that old women love vests? Do they think they are sporty? Do they honestly believe they provide warmth?

If anyone can get me a picture of one of these mythical creatures feel free to post it in the comments.

I can relate

When no one is looking I like to read Jane's World. A comic about a lesbian journalist whose life reads like a sitcom on a planet where there are no straight people. I guess it could be worse. I could read Cathy. Ackkkkkk!

To quote Miles

Sometimes you gotta say "What the Fuck"

Last night I ate at Honey's Kettle. Sure I had things to do like write a post for Randy's new blog, but instead I decided to eat the following:
Two pieces of fried chicken (breast and a drum stick)
Biscuit
Fries
Corn on the cob
Pancake
Coleslaw
Pickles
Baby sweet potato pie
All washed down with a nice cool lemonade

I would like to see an anesthesiologist put me to sleep quicker than my last bite of pie.

*Randy your post is coming.
**Jhen I dedicate this meal to you.
***Jake I am officially in training for your visit.

Nuge Monkey

Okay don't get me wrong. Ted Nugent is incredible with a guitar. Insanely gifted, no doubt about it. But much like the unfortunate Sean Penn, he is such an utter and uncompromising douchebag that my admiration for him as an artist has been overpowered, and replaced with a contempt that is as piercing and true as that gay look on his face right here.

The strange thing is I agree with him on most issues, it's just that he's such a fucking tool. He wears American flag shirts and acts like he's some kind of spec-ops combat veteran. He hunts animals in a fenced-off pen and brags about it. He is a spokesman for D.A.R.E. He lifts both of his fists into the air at his concerts and yells "Freedom!!". Why? Who the fuck knows.

Last week he managed to top all of his previous douchebaggery with an astonishingly bad op-ed for the Waco Tribune. In it, he gives props to the Navy SEALs who ended the recent pirate standoff, then goes on to explain that he is basically as badass as they are. In fact, he details his own hypothetical scenario in which he is a salty merchant sea-captain sailing through pirate-infested waters with a crew of heavily armed "snipers" who are also for some reason "jacks of all trades". Why? Again, who the fuck knows.

Here are some actual excerpts from Ted Nugent's article, to maybe give some insight into why I hope he slips and falls head-first into a bear trap:

(keep in mind that this is a merchant ship delivering wheat or semiconductors or some shit)

"Each man under my command has his own M16 and 2,000 rounds of ammo. Every third sailor is also equipped with a standard M37 grenade launcher attached to his M16 with a gross of grenades."

"We have diligently trained to keep a 10-man rotating 24-hour red alert watch detail. Any vessel approaching within 1,000 yards will trigger an “all hands on deck” alarm and the firing of one 20-round burst."

He then goes on to explain that if the other "vessel" is foolhardy enough not to immediately "turn back", irrespective of who they are, and why they're approaching, that he will "literally blow [them] out of the water". You've been warned, French Naval Destroyers. But the best part is his ominous warning to Somali pirates whom he will never, ever, under any circumstances ever see or encounter:

"Keep your little terrorist dinghy at home, boys, or I will turn you into shark food. Bon voyage."

That's great, Captain Nuge. Maybe that threat will be enough to frighten the pirates of the world into shutting down operations altogether. But maybe (and I think probably), you are just an elderly, deluded, pampered millionaire celebrity with more time than calluses on his hands, and whose revenge fantasies actually make mine from middle school seem mature by comparison. And that even includes the one where I got pushed against a locker by Brian Thomlinson, then decapitated him with a Dragon Punch and fingered his girlfriend.

Twitter

It was time to bring this blog to the next level of stupidity. I have added a Twitter link. Now you will know about each and every bowel movement I have.

Wait just had one. That doesn't count.

IE7 Joke of the Day:

Barry:  The page wont load, fucking work connection is slow

me:  Are you on an office computer?

Barry:  Yeah, I think it has aids

not like magic johnson aids either

more like that pedro guy from real world

RSS Feed

I added an RSS feed icon to the sidebar. If this interweb thing catches on it might be useful.

G.I.Joe Resolute

I haven't gotten the type of reaction I was hoping for with regards to the new G.I.Joe cartoon. Do you not realize how awesome it is? What if I told you the weather dominator was part of the story line? It isn't but who cares. Listen, after school today, if we ride fast we can get to my house before it starts. My mom just got a container of Breyer's Mint Chocolate Chip.

* Col bought me my first G.I.Joe figure as a childhood birthday present (Hawk with the mobile missle system.)

Hipster Scum

I hate hipsters for their skinny jeans and their stupid haircuts, but you want to know what I hate them for the most? I hate them for having a term to define them. These creatures don't deserve that much credit. Just saying.

G.I.Joe Tattoo cool again

Sign me up!!!

My mom vs an Anne Heche Movie

Similarities between the movie Six Days, Seven Nights and my mom's nine day, eight night stay:
Anne Heche is crazy
My mom is . . .
Harrison Ford looks like an old menopausal woman
I assume my mom went through menopause

In all honesty I would rather have my mom come for nine days than have to watch this movie for two hours.

Wow

I lose my job and suddenly I fall off the grid. I don't blog, I don't sit inside surfing the internet. I spend my time restoring my old land rover and working out. What mindless activities. Good thing I just got word that my job couldn't live without me and I am going back to work starting Friday. Looks like the blog is back on since I won't have time for any of that other drivel. I am glad work was able to crush the fun I was having before I got used to it. Yeah Work!!!

Racial Profiling

I was out of work all of two days before the cops pulled me over for "fitting the description." The officer said he pulled me over because I rolled through a stop sign, but I think there is more to it. Now I have to go to defensive driving school or I will get points on my license. The cop said, look you can take the course online. How did he know I had a computer? Not very nice to make assumptions about me. He took one look at the color of my skin and knew everything he needed to. I don't even think he put his hand on his gun the entire time he talked to me. What is this world coming to.

Sit on it

The Fonz wishes everyone a Happy Easter

Kneel before Saud

Seriously, at least the President from Superman II hesitated.

New Posts

I have a couple of new posts coming but I have been stressed so you will have to wait.

Mom in town
Police
RSS Feeds
Prophecy of needing two cars

Wait for it.

Is "The Fonz" in the Witness Protection Program?

For years I have wondered what happened to Arthur Herbert Fonzarelli after he attempted to jump that Shark on water skis. Did he make it? Did the shark get him? I turned the channel before he landed. I am not the only one who thought his luck ran out and he was at the big diner in the sky. Well after some careful investigating, I have determined that the Fonz has been happily living in the Witness Protection Program under the name Henry Winkler. The first time I saw Mr. Winkler I thought to myself that guy sure looks like "The Fonz", but how could that be? I mean come on, how can "The Fonz" be wearing a sweater and taking his kids to temple. I had a chance to sit down with Mr. Winkler in a local Johnny Rockets to find out once and for all if he was Arthur Fonzarelli or just some lucky bastard blessed with similar features.

Barry: Mr Winkler, first let me say I appreciate you taking the time to meet with me regarding such a personal matter. Do you mind if I record our conversation?

Henry: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

Barry: Let's just throw it on the table. Are you indeed Arthur "The Fonz" Fonzarelli?

Henry: I guess it has been long enough. Yes I am "The Fonz". (Waitresses at Johnny Rockets start singing American Pie)

Barry: What made you run away from the Cunninghams, your life, Chachi?

Henry: Before computers it was easy to get away with stuff. I was running one of the biggest gambling rings in the state of Wisconsin from the bathroom of Al's diner. I started off by taking bets, but before I knew it I was selling pot to Ralph Malph and alcohol to Arnold. Drugs and booze led me to shooting Pinky Tuscadero just to watch her die.

Barry: And that made you run?

Henry: Aaaaaay, you know, that and I owed the Cunningham's six months back rent.

Barry: How did you end up in LA as an actor?

Henry: I was walking by an open casting call for the movie Night Shift. I just kind of fell into it.

Barry: So now that you have been outed what do you plan to do?

Henry snapped his fingers, and before I could blink he was gone. Later that night I realized my tape recorder was blank. Fonzie you still got it.

Get him a body bag

Time of death 5:01 PM - I put in an extra minute of overtime to show there were no hard feelings.

I have no work for the next couple of days and nothing next week. If anyone knows of any openings please let me know.

Ideal Job:
Detective Agency/Classic Car Restoration Shop

I of course will be the head detective who specializes in Yugo engine rebuilds. During the day I can work on cars and at night I can go out on cases. It will be a cross between Chico and the Man and Baywatch Nights.