Two Scoops

The other night I went to Mashti Malone's for some ice cream. If I had to pick a place for the best ice cream in Los Angeles this would be it hands down, but that really isn't the point of my story. The ice cream parlor is in what I would call a questionable neighborhood. Due to prostitution activity in the area you are not allowed to park on the local side streets. With this in mind I knew that if I didn't get a spot in the Mashti designated area, I might be denied my peanut butter cup goodness. I pulled into the lot with Sarah and Monkey in tow and as luck would have it the only spot available was designated for the liquor store next door. I decided to ask the liquor store manager quite politely if he wouldn't mind terribly if I parked in his spot for a few moments while I ran in to get my delicious dessert. He begrudgingly gave me permission, so we parked, left Monkey in the backseat and off we went for sugar cones. Did I mention I love this place?

After a few moments of deciding on one scoop or two (heart attack or stroke), I found myself enjoying my cone while looking out the window. Not more than 30 seconds go by (three licks, tops), before an older Chevy Blazer comes flying into the parking lot, smoke billowing from the windows, spare tire chained to the roof, and driver clearly intoxicated. As he comes to a complete stop in front of my car, what might have been the entire Los Angeles police department has entered the lot. Before I know it, guns are drawn, the driver of the Blazer is laying face down in front of my car before being carried off in cuffs. After I was 90% sure that all guns were reholstered, I walked outside to see what was going on. I was slightly freaked out that while the police were screaming "on the ground" my dog never bothered sticking his head out the window to see what was going on. Hell, he didn't even wake up. Apparently the driver of the Blazer ran over a pedestrian a few blocks away and figured pulling in for an ice cream was the next logical step to his evening. As I stood there thinking how lucky I was that I had gotten into the lot before the cops blocked the entrance, things took a turn for the worse. Someone in the parking lot told me the Blazer clipped the front of my car before coming to a stop. Once again why didn't the dog wake up? Thankfully there was no damage to the dog or the car but I did give the police my info just in case. Right before I left, the liquor store manager came out and said, "I told you not to park in my spot." I love Los Angeles.
The dog in question

Progress

My mom has been down in the dumps lately. Something about her children being a huge disappointment. Not really sure. I wasn't listening. I did catch her say that she went and saw a therapist today. I asked her how it was hoping that some blame could be shifted. All she had to say was the parking lot was hard to get into. I think we are getting somewhere.

I need your help

Charity - voluntary giving of money or other help to those in need.

I am in desperate need of your help. I have entered the Gumball 3000. If my application gets accepted I will have to come up with 60,000 Pounds Sterling to have the best time of my life. You might ask how this affects you? Well I am glad you asked. If you sponsor me, you will get to vicariously live through me. You will do this by reading about my Chinese adventures on this very blog. I promise to post photos as well. All I ask of you is that you make a small donation to me via paypal. It can be anything from .01 to 60,000 Pounds Sterling. Wait, wait, what if I don't raise enough money to race? I am glad you asked that too. If I don't get enough money, I will take whatever I collected and give it to a local charity. Think about it. Won't you help me help you see me have a good time.

My paypal account is my email address. Please make a donation now. Operators are standing by.

Check out the Gumball site. Don't let me get any older without having this experience.

I'm alright, nobody worry bout me

Last night I had the pleasure of having dinner at a local country club. I will try to describe the night in detail, but in order to set the mood, I would like you to envision the scene from Caddyshack when the Baby Ruth is thrown into the pool. Feel free to imagine either when the bar is thrown into the pool or when Bill Murray eats it. Either one is appropriate.

I started my evening with a dirty martini in the main dining room. That is what businesspeople do, right? I mean I did put a long day of mergers and acquisitions. I now own 42% of People Express. Once I had a nice buzz going I ordered the grilled elk. I felt very powerful knowing I was eating something that once had antlers. To wash down Bambi I had a mojito and some hot chocolate cake. At this point any sensible person would have gone home, but no, I chose to go swimming instead. I don't want to brag but I did swim a whole lap even with the deer meat weighing me down. After rinsing off in the club locker room I came to the conclusion, being rich would be fun. Watch out, I think I feel a pang of ambition. Nope, it was just gas.

Summer Vacation

I had a friend ask me the other day what I was doing for summer. Well I figure when school lets out I will see if I can get a job at the local market. Maybe pushing carts or bagging groceries. At night I figure I will get a few beers at the local bar with my fake ID, followed by hanging out in the parking lot of 7-11. If things go well and I am able to save a few bucks, I am going to look into backpacking around Europe for a few weeks. Maybe take in Rome. When I get back I will relax on the couch for a few weeks, drinking cokes, while watching soap operas. If there is enough time, and this is a big if, I might drive out to the Poconos to visit the old sleep away camp where I had my first kiss. I am 32 years old. What do you think I am doing for summer? I'm going to work like I do the other ten months of the year. Dumb ass!

Dinner Conversation

I had a few people over for dinner the other night. Highlights of the evening:

1. An 87 year old woman asked me if my neighbor gave me a blowjob when I was telling her a story about the neighbor's dog dying.
2. My 32 year old friend told me his retirement plan consists of a bottle of scotch and a revolver.

There was a third highlight but I can't remember it.

Too much cock, not enough balls - A review of Forgetting Sarah Marshall

I really have nothing to say about the movie. I just wanted to use my clever title for the post. If you see the movie you will know what I am talking about.

Ving Rhames needs to go jail

Well maybe not really, but it would put me one step closer to getting Wesley Snipes and Ving Rhames to act out Undisputed live.

Five bucks to the first person who can name every movie Wesley Snipes has gone to prison in.

Crossing the Line

Throwing out the C word or as I like to say Cunt. I will admit I use the word. My internal filter works about as well as the paper coffee filter in my hotel room brew-a-cup. Did I mention the coffee maker is in the bathroom, exactly one foot away from where I defecate?

So last night I am sitting with some coworkers at another delicious meal out and about in Atlanta when a coworker asks me about a person we both knew at a previous employer. That is when I let the C word fly. I might have gotten a better reaction if I had spit my shrimp scampi in this guy's face. The look of shear terror was amazing. I could watch the guy's face try to mouth the word and not be able to after I said it.

Only twelve hours until we get on a plane together. Sweet!

Crime and Punishment

The Crime: Having a job
The Punishment: A meal at Maggiano's in Atlanta with coworkers

When I was a young boy sitting in front of our Zenith TV that also served as the only piece of furniture in the house that was real wood, I dreamt of one day being an important business man who traveled the world. I was thinking a cross between James Bond and Clint Eastwood from Every Which Way But Loose. Never in my wildest dreams did I see myself sitting at a table with vats of pasta in front of me while coworkers clad in standard issue Banana Republic discussed how good everything was.

During the meal, to hide the tears of failure, I day dreamed about wearing a tuxedo, while my Orangutan took a dump in the rental car, while the wait staff placed bets on whether or not I could take the 700 pound bus boy with a gimp leg.

Keep hope alive!

Big Surprise

What Seinfeld character are you? George Costanza You are Jerry's best friend - even though you are neurotic and slow-witted, he keeps you around to have a `loser of the group`. Life has a funny way of screwing you over at every turn, and your parents are psychotic. And no matter what you do, you`ll never compare to Lloyd Braun.

Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

Worlds Colliding!!

Thanks Colleen

To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women.

Why must people try to out do me? I got the copycat Barryrides coming from one angle and I got John Mayer horning in on my singing career from another. Maybe John Mayer isn't trying to one up me with singing, but he certainly is with Land Rovers. I go to Land Rover driving school and what does he do? He goes and buys a second Defender. No justice no peace!

Retraction - Gay Movie ruins cool tattoo

It seems I have angered a few of my readers with my use of the word "gay" as an adjective. It seems that no matter how I try to explain that I don't mean gay in the homosexual way but more in a lame way it just doesn't make it any better. One reader in particular asked me how I would like it if someone used "jew" as a verb (Example -That guy is trying to "jew" me down.) When I said I don't see the problem, he told me to shut the fuck up. So with that I am on the search for a new word to refer to gay which refers to lame. I am open to suggestions.

Oh yeah and don't even think about trying to use my name as an adjective. It has been done.

* No clue what an adjective or a verb is.

$78,450 to buy it, $240 to destroy it

Over the weekend I did what any good Jew would do during Passover. I went to Land Rover driving school. It was just one of those things. Do I eat a bunch of chopped liver at someone's cedar seder, or do I search for the afikoman in the woods while behind the wheel of a Range Rover? As you can see I chose the latter.





Happy Passover!! More pictures can be found here.

Must see summer movie

Single White Male

I know this guy in LA for about five years now. Over that time I would say we have become good friends. We share many of the same interests. Cars, complaining, eating ,etc. For the most part I would say there is nothing odd about our relationship. Oh wait, did I mention that short of removing my skin he has a knack for trying to be me? It started with clothes. I would buy a sweatshirt, and low and behold, he would buy a sweatshirt. I would begin wearing nothing but Chuck Taylor's and suddenly he would have nothing but Converse as well. But wait, it gets better. It is not enough for him to want to be me, he must also do it in a slightly cheaper way, or as he puts it, "the better value". He came over my home and saw a new Luke Chueh painting I bought and said, "I will get one too, but I will print mine off his website. It will cost pennies compared to yours." He saw that I had a Rolex, and then decided he would build his own out of salvaged Rolex parts. Not sure where he is with that plan. None of this really bothered me until he took it too far. He has now decided he will have his own version of Barry Rides. This means war. You can copy my lack of style, my eating habits, my car, my watch, etc, but you cannot steal my blog.

I have no fear though, that much like a Hong Kong Rolex, everyone will be able to tell the original from the fake.

Check it out:
The Barry Rides 2 March of the Wooden Soldier
The war is on!!!

***Image from Single White Female was for sensationalism only. It is not an additional act of war.

Just a good old boy

I am at a traffic light on Wilshire today when I notice a Confederate Flag in the back window of a pickup truck. I give the truck a once over to see an NRA sticker, and a license plate that says PBR 01 (assuming pabst blue ribbon). I am sitting there laughing to myself, thinking about the red neck that has to be driving the truck. The light changes and I pull along side the guy. To my shock and possible horror, I see that the driver is a black man (is it okay to say black man?), wearing a cowboy hat.

Could it be possible that he didn't know he was black? Has anyone seen Chappelle's Show where Dave Chappelle plays a blind Klans man who doesn't know he is black? Brilliant!!

***Video removed***

That Guy

I just got back from Atlanta. My work trip was uneventful for the most part (travel sucks). On a funny note I sat next to some guy on the flight home that wouldn't shut up. He was "that guy." When I first sat down he immediatly apologized for the moaning he was going to do because his back hurt. I was really hoping it would stop there but no, he had to continue with the pleasantries.
"Hi how are you?"
"What do you do?"
"I work in real estate"
"I have twins"
"blah blah blah"
Anyway this guy keeps talking and then out of nowhere while my coworker is watching Friends on the built in seat tv, he says oh yeah I was on an episode of that. This is the point where I think this guy has a great dry sense of humor. Well anyway I go home and decide to look him up on IMDB. Turns out he was on Friends. I may have to rethink my theory on how everyone is a liar. I still have to wonder how you go from being on tv to sitting in row 40.
Troy Norton

"Now is the bad time"

It is a line my brother loves to quote from Goodfellas. As I sit here in the Crown Plaza hotel lobby in Atlanta, waiting for a business meeting to start, I think about how I would rather spend the next four hours with Tommy Devito/Joe Pesci beating me in the face with a revolver than be here, but alas I need to earn.



Note to self: airline mojitos are a bad idea.

Century Village 2029

In the Year of Darkness, 2029, the rulers of this planet devised the ultimate plan. They would reshape the Future by changing the Past. The plan required something that felt no pity. No pain. No fear. Something unstoppable. They created 'THE TERMINATOR'

I am just kidding. I just got my eyes checked/dilated and you know I couldn't pass up the free terminator glasses. I don't feel a day over seventy.