Life is like Seinfeld, just accept it

I mean that in a good way.

Today I took my first ride on the new road bike. I went with one of the best riders from a local group. Much to my surprise and his I destroyed him. No hill was too big. He spent the entire two hours sucking wind while I cruised like I was powered by a jet engine. I am an inspiration to all my friends. If I can do it anyone can. I have given Elaine the confidence to run J. Peterman.

Did I mention my riding buddy was in his late 50s and he is the youngest of his group?

Year of the Eyebrow Zit

The Chinese have done some miscalculations. It isn't the year of the pig, it is the year of the eyebrow zit. Those awful, painful little bastards are taking up route in unsuspecting follicles everywhere. Well, not everywhere just on eyebrows. Duh!. It is their year to shine. In the course of three months I have been overtaken.

Look away I am hideous!

How much would you pay for a picture?

The bottom half of my new cycling outfit. If this isn't the making of a low budget porno I don't know what is.

New Bike, Old Body

After much deliberation, I just purchased my first road bicycle since I blew my Bar Mitzvah money on a sweet Peugeot 10 Speed back in '89. The new girl needs a name.

R.I.P. Cathy Seipp

On a sad note Cathy Seipp lost her battle with lung cancer today. Even though I only met her once, I enjoyed her company and her writing. Hopefully she is in a better place.

Ask your doctor if Lipitor is right for you

So with careful diet and vigorous masturbation exercise I was able to get my cholesterol down 53 points in 30 days. Since I was unable to drop 100, I am now taking the same medication my 70 year old mother is taking. Correction, my 69 year old mother.

I have this bet with a friend that whoever dies first has to give the surviving friend 100 bucks. Payment should be located in the vest pocket of the loser's funeral suit. What a sucker. No way I am being buried in a suit.

Pow Pow Powerwheels

I can't tell you how many times as a teenager I was kicked out of Toys R Us for driving a Barbie Ferrari down the action figure aisle.

Thirty Year Old Dorks Rejoice

Knowing you are a dork is half the battle:

Yo Joe!

R.I.P. Anna Nicole

Today I was saddened to hear of Anna Nicole's passing. Thankfully I had this to cheer me up: Crane kick to the face

Superbowl

Am I the only person that had no clue who played in the Superbowl? I watched Caddyshack instead. In my professional opinion a much better use of time.

You're a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?

Good Year = Bird Poop

I got pooped on by a bird while I was eating a chicken burger. Could it have been revenge? I heard being pooped on was good luck. Powerball here I come!

Crackberry

I am one step closer to not having to have actual contact with people anymore. At the gentle prodding of my coworkers I purchased a Blackberry Pearl last week. I included the model name so people would think I was cool. I'm not the type of loser to get a full size blackberry. I got the small one with the vanity mirror built into the back. Izzz got to look good when Izz be checking the comments on my blog.

Barry's Millions

I had a follow up appointment with my doctor today. I have to drop 100 points from my cholesterol in thirty days or I won't inherit $300 million from my rich uncle Rupert Horn. The catch is I am not allowed to tell anyone about the $300 million. I know most people will think I am crazy, but I think I'm gonna go for it.

Dedicated Readers

I honestly thought no one would notice I was writing again. Has everyone been sitting around waiting, hoping, sobbing gently into their Star Wars pillow cases? Oh wait, that's me.

I am glad to be back. I might be a bit rusty for a few days. My rapier wit is about on par with my ad;dfg typing skills right now.

Only in LA

A new segment about stupidity in Los Angeles:

A BMW convertible driver's ed car. Enough said.

R.I.P. Billy 1992 - 2007

My friend's dog died this week. Thankfully it wasn't the daily beatings, but old age. I am kidding, I am sure it was the beatings. I am just joking. It was old age. Billy was 14.5 years old. He had a good life, but it still sucks it had to end.

New Year, Old Me

I have been racking my brain trying to figure out what to write about in this glorious new year. I was going to write about the fact that it snowed in Los Angeles for the first time since 1962, but I lost interest. I was going to write about the knife fight I had with a man wearing one ice skate at Quizno's, but since I don't like their toasted bread I felt that would be false advertising. Then I was thinking about writing about how Niki Gudex added me as one of her MySpace friends and how it must mean we are truly in love, but after seeing she already had 600 friends I realized our love might not be that special after all.

So finally I have decided to write about my health. I got the results of my physical back today and all I can say is, "What the fuck!!!!!" I have the cholesterol of a 475 pound elderly lady who took IHOP up on their 'All You Can Eat Pancakes For $5.99 Special. For those of you who think I am exaggerating I have decided to include the numbers:
Cholesterol 276
HDL 38
LDL 223


Key up the soundtrack to Rocky. It is time for me to get my ass in gear. I might even have to start using this blog to keep track of bike rides again. Nah, that would bore the shit out of everyone.

In any event the blog is back.

Final Post of 2006 - Tooth in my wallet

So I am getting coffee at a local shop when out of nowhere a canine molar falls out of one of the credit card slots in my wallet. Try explaining that to the other people on line. The worst part is I don't think it belonged to my dog.

Happy New Year!!

Updates

I dreamt I updated the blog. Does that count?

I might as well wear sweat pants

It has been three months since I started my new job. All is well except for the fact that a female co-worker told me earlier in the week that I am starting to get fat. Well, fat in comparison to how I looked when I started. Oh the shame of always being hungry.

Sorry for the lack of posts lately. While my stomach has been full, my mind has been empty. I swear I will try harder, just don't hit me.