Cookbook Idea

So I love this new form of blogging, so much easier than writing...

Bucking the Vampire trend

As I've said in the past, I'm sick of vampire movies. Hollywood needs to start churning out more zombie pictures. While sitting on the subway I came up with a pretty sweet idea for a zombie film where the main character is a zombie neurologist. Sort of like 28 Days Later meets Doc Hollywood. I story-boarded it below, pretty sure it'll be a hit...(click to enlarge)



Next up: Zombie Rap Artist...

More people that are cooler than I am

In addition to the smoking baby, this sixteen year old girl is cooler than I am because she tried to sail around the earth solo. When I was sixteen I had a jew-fro and was afraid to ask girls out on dates.

I'm going long on Philip Morris

When I was in elementary school the nurse's office had this poster hanging on the wall in order to discourage us from smoking. While it didn't work for all of us (I nearly got killed after ratting on some sixth graders who were smoking on the tire playground during recess), I took its warning to heart, and put off starting until I was 17 years old. You see back then, images like this, and others of old ladies smoking through tracheostomies, were powerful enough to convince us that cigarettes made you uncool, and that only ugly losers took up smoking as a habit.

Then came this little guy...



How fucking gangsta is that? Not only do I think this baby is fucking cool, I'm pretty sure he could kick my ass!! He looks like he's either a crime boss, or a pimp that runs an underground casino in his spare time.

And did you see that shot of him with the guitar? He's so fucking baller that I hear Snoop Dogg asked him to join on his next tour.

Even as an adult I can't compete with that. Never should have quit....

Will Smith wants to fuck my dead grandfather's corpse.

How do I know this? Simple, because he's digging up shit that I used to love, and fucking it in the ass.



Seriously, what is this?



Clearly my grandfather's corpse is next.

There can only be one...

Betty White felt a surge of power course through her veins last night. Her body lifted off the ground as she absorbed all the knowledge and power of Blanche. The quickening is complete.

***UPDATE***

Betty White leaving her house right before Rue was reported dead. Story developing . . .

Paging Steven Keaton

Clearly Joran van der Sloot needs a TV dad to help him sort through his troubles. How many girls do you have to kill before it is considered an issue? I am saying four.

Jordan checking out of his hotel room in Peru

I need a sitcom dad

The passing of Emmanuel Lewis this past week got me thinking how I really want a sitcom dad. Not some guy to play my dad on TV but a guy who plays a dad on TV to act all fatherly to me. I am not sure if I am making sense so let me explain. Take Dick Van Patten for example. He was the patriarch of the Eight is Enough clan. Sure he played a dad on the show but the thing that really impressed me was that he was always bailing Nicholas and Tommy out of trouble in real life. When one of them got busted for drugs, rape or for being a Somalian Pirate, you would always see Dick Van Patten coming to their rescue. The same goes for Conrad Bain. When Willis or Kimberly were caught up in drugs, he was always trying to help them out. I guess the drugs thing I am not into but I really want some guy who plays a dad on TV to bail me out of trouble if trouble arises. I bet Higgins would make a good dad.

Holding open auditions this weekend at my house.

I really miss you

I still can't believe Gary died last week. It seems like only yesterday I was watching the episode where Arnold figures out that 'Papa' Papadapolis can't read. I always loved sitcoms with a heart.

Diff'rent Strokes Indeed....

"They'll have theirs, and you'll have yours, and I'll have mine.
And together we'll be fine...."

Well, Bret had his, and now Gary's had his. I can't say that everyone will be fine, but they were indeed Diff'rent Strokes.

Looks like Sam's gonna end up being the sole heir to Mr. Drummond's fortune.

This is Red Rocks, this is The Edge.

I really have no problem with the fact that Trevor Smith wants people to call him Busta Rhymes, or that O'Shea Jackson goes by his nom de scène: Ice Cube. But can anyone really explain why we're still calling this douche Bono? Or even better yet, why his band mate is called The Edge?

Really, does this guy introduce himself that way?

"Hi, I'm Bono, and this is The Edge, can I have a double scoop of rocky road in a sugar cone with sprinkles?"

As pretentious as the name The Edge is, Bono is far worse. Did you know it's actually a shortened version of his original stage name Bono Vox (good voice), I guess it's classy because it's in Latin, but as far as I'm concerned there exist only four people in the history of the world that are entitled to be called by either a single name, or something that includes the article "the". They are Hitler, Cher, and The Wild Samoans (I happen to have the only existent photograph of all four of them together).



So let's move past this shit, the guy's name is Paul. Can we just agree to call him Paul?

Need this outfit to appear in my closet right now!

If the '70s were wrong I don't want to be right. This is a picture of me circa 1977. My very first in a long line of power suits. My pose says, you will listen to me, even if there's a load of shit in my pants. I wish I commanded that type of respect now.

There is another

I have a confession, I've been secretly writing a second blog under the pen name Theodore Calvin for the last twelve years. It mostly deals with me discussing how if I had Carl Weather's mustache the world would be my oyster. What you disagree? Are you saying I wouldn't be the most powerful man in Hollywood if I had a black man's mustache?

When I am not working on my Carl Weather's mustache blog, you will find me writing posts for the barry rides part douche. It's a little something I through together to bore people with my narcissistic obsessive materialism. I think it will provide you with minutes of entertainment. Give it a try if you aren't too busy thinking of Carl Weathers.

Gonna Be Your Man In Motion, All I Need Is A Pair Of Wheels...

Actually, two pairs of wheels, or possibly 3 wheels depending on how much money I'm willing to invest in this thing....



Two stories from my youth:

1) When I was in elementary school, we were forced to sing in the chorus. Our music teacher thought it would make it more interesting to have us sing contemporary songs like "St. Elmo's Fire (Man in Motion)" by John Parr (it was 1985). Aside from being a sweet jam, did you know it was about a Canadian that rolled around the world in a wheelchair? Choke on that Terry Fox. Anyways, despite cementing my hatred for singing in groups (I would never attend the actual chorus performances) the song stuck with me over the years because; aside from playing Murderball, wheeling around the world is probably the coolest thing a person in a wheelchair can do.

2) A couple years ago I was crushed under a vending machine while trying to shake out a Snickers bar (I know what you're thinking; "how did a vending machine fall on him while he was on the toilet?", sadly though, I'm not speaking figuratively, I was literally shaking the machine for candy and it fell on me). Anyhow, the injuries I sustained from my attempt to cheat the vending machine earned me the pleasure of being wheelchair-bound in a physical rehab hospital for several weeks while I recovered (never got the fucking candy bar). Being in a rehab place with a bunch of quads I learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the type of wheelchair they're in, for instance: if a person is in a standard issue upright wheelchair (think Born On The Fourth Of July) you don't need to feel sorry for them, they're probably only temporarily injured and they'll walk again. If a guy's in a sleek fiberglass one with no armrests and tiny little wheels up front, he's a cripple and probably craps in a bag. But it's not the end of the world, someday, he may be able to be an IT guy or something. Finally if you see a guy in one of those motorized chairs with the blow-tube, he's fucked. Might as well wheel him out by the dumpsters and let the rats eat him, he's not going to contribute anything to society (again, I know what you're thinking, "what about Stephen Hawking" - well fuck Stephen Hawking, I have a theory that he's actually retarded and it was his fancy talking wheelchair that wrote all those books...). But I digress..

Spending several weeks in a chair got me thinking, could I apply for the wheelchair division of the NYC Marathon? I've gone to the website and haven't found anything that requires you to be crippled. Even if it did, I still walk with a limp from my candy-caper, so I'm golden either way.

Bottom line, just like John Parr's lyrics inspired me as a child, I want to pay it forward and be an inspiration for every lazy, out-of-shape, able bodied person by entering the NYC Marathon's wheelchair division and coming in second, then while the winner is celebrating his victory, I want to get out of my chair and moonwalk around him to show him that I can still walk. That's what a real champion would do...

Take me where my future's lying, St. Elmo's Fire.

17 again no longer enrages me

About a year ago I wrote a post about how the movie 17 Again enraged me even though I didn't see it. Something about how going back in time would do nothing for me but probably get me arrested for standing on a cardboard box in time square while spouting nonsense about the future of the interweb and 9/11. Hopefully I would also talk about how black people came from outer space and they're awaiting the mothership's return. Wow tangent, anyway I finally got to see 17 Again and damn it, I liked it. I was all wrong about this movie. It doesn't have Mathew Perry traveling through time and ending up in his younger self in the 80's, it has him stay in the present day but suddenly be turned into Zac Efron. Sort of like a fountain of youth tale that includes him becoming a Disney heartthrob. This is much more believable and watchable. I too want to find my fairy godmother who can transform me back into the hot teenager I once was so my youth is not wasted twice. Yeah that's right I was definitely super hot and not a giant q-tip with ears. I have now watched this movie at least four times. I won't get that time back but some how am okay with it.

Heir Apparent

If you've been following the news lately, you've probably read that the producers of South Park censored a recent episode after being threatened by a domestic Muslim group called Revolution Muslim (sweet name). The implications of this sort of coersion are very serious, not only for nationally aired satire shows like South Park, but for the Barry Rides community as well. Particularly when one considers that Barry works in the same building as the South Park creators.

So, since Barry's probably got a week or so left before a plane crashes into his cubicle, I figured now's as good as ever to let you all know that I'll be the new editor-in-chief of The Barry Jake Rides. Beginning next week, I'll be accepting internship applications.

Below is an image of what Barry's last few minutes on Earth will probably look like*.



*This is not to imply that Barry will necessarily be killed by the Libyan Nationalists from Back to the Future, but he is certain to have Parkinson's.

The end is nigh

Anyone see the movie 2012? Unless you've recently been on a flight, probably not, since only the mentally retarded would voluntarily sit through that dreck*.

It's a shame too, because while the movie sucked, it provided valuable clues regarding the human race's imminent demise. The movie's plot is basically "OH NO, THERE'S AN EARTHQUAKE, RUN AWAY!!!" and while there have been many natural disaster films in the past, I think this one may be coming true. The basic premise is that billions of years ago, the Mayans predicted that the world would end once we elected a black president. For your consideration:

Point #1: It's almost 2012. While the major action in the film takes place in 2012 over the course of a week or so, I believe the recent increase in volcanic/earthquake-ic activity is a clear sign that the shit's in the mail. Keep in mind, the Mayans were mexican and didn't have calculators, so you can't fault them if they were off by a year or two.

Point #2: Volcanos and Earthquakes are fucking shit up like a bastard. Haiti, South America, California, China, Iceland - anyone see a pattern here? The USGS tracks these things on this map. Bottom line, we're fucked.

Point #3: John Cusack is fat. In the movie, the normally fit Cusack is replaced with a fat Cusack, or Fatsack. This may not seem important to the layperson, but anyone familiar with geology knows that this means the plate tectonics are all messed up (something to do with the sedimentary rock formations I believe).

Point #4: Black president. It's been proven before that when America has a black president, all sorts of crazy shit happens (Deep Impact, Idiocracy, 24, The Fifth Element). Well guess what....

So there you have it, incontrovertible proof that the world is coming to an end. I'd say you should check the movie out to see what you can do to save yourself, but getting swallowed up by a volcano may be less painful. Your call.


*The Barry Rides wishes to apologize to its large and loyal retarded readership, no offense was intended by suggesting that you'd enjoy the film 2012.

Why Coco, why?

I understand the need to share useless knowledge and I understand how pseudo-celebrities crave attention but I honestly think Coco has gone too far. Its one thing to have some random camera man from TMZ jump out of the bushes and take a picture of you getting your ninja foot waxed, it is another to take the picture yourself and post it for the whole world to see. Coco, this is just sad. What are you going to do next, take a photo of a shit crowning? I feel bad for Ice-Tea, he leaves the house to film an episode of Law and Order - Gangster Edition, and you end up shaming him. It might be time to beat a bitch (just my opinion).


Terrible

New Layout

You might have noticed some things have shifted around on the blog. I am going for a new look. One that is more friendly to blacks and Jews alike. I hope you like it.

Bum Fights

Whatever happened to bum fights? I sort of remember wanting to order volumes 1 thru 5 on VHS. The only reason I ask is because I just remembered Jake used to tell me that he wanted to jerk off while watching bums fuck make sweet love to my mother. I would say Jake is a sick man, but honestly he might be a genius.

*Note to self, get down to the copyright office and apply for a patent on Homeless Porn!!!

I am going to be rich!!!

I'm back

Thanks for the outpouring of concern. I know you were all worried. Listen to what happened. I was in the middle of an intense game of Simon when I fell into my freezer while trying to simultaneously press red, red, blue, green, and get a frozen snickers bar. Before I knew it the door slammed shut and I was frozen in position. Thankfully the power went out last night and I was able to thaw. Now was it blue, blue, red green, or red, red blue, yellow? No matter. I am back and ready to make your minds explode.

He is Risen!

Jesus Christ, King of the Jews

Happy Easter from all of us 
at The Barry Rides!

Don't hate me because I'm Chosen..

JEW

In order to bump Randy's racist tirade from the top of the blog, I thought I'd write something that celebrates multiculturalism and highlights the point that we're not as different as we all may think. Since we're in the middle of Passover, the Jewish holiday that celebrates how God reigned 10 plagues down on everyone who wasn't Jewish, now is the perfect time to remind you readers that we're all equal (unless you're not Jewish, then you're shit, and you deserved the boils, blood, frogs, and smiting of the first born).

Look son, a faggot!

Obviously the father is pointing at Kim Jong Il, a Charlie that currently runs some shit starving-ass third world country in China or whatever. Mr. Il's navy apparently torpedoed and sank a South Korean ship this morning, possibly endangering our supply chain of cell phones and flat screens. He then warned the United States that if we threaten him in any way, and I shit you not, America will "fall victim to the unprecedented nuclear strikes of the invincible army".

The Barry Rides will not stand for this kind of unprovoked aggression.

We hereby submit the following open letter to Supreme Leader of The Democratic People's Republic of Korea, Kim Jong Il, and all the citizens of North Korea:

To Kim Jong Ching Chong and all the people of your stinky shitty country-

The Barry Rides will not tolerate this type of inflammatory rhetoric. Especially from a nation most of us cannot locate. You have awoken a mighty beast, and you will pay a devastating price for your stupid idiocy. You have unleashed forces that you cannot even begin to comprehend with your teeny tiny pea-brains, and you will regret the moment you made the ultimate mistake by insulting us. 

The Barry Rides hereby declares Ultimate and Total War against the nation of North Korea. Make no mistake, you have made the hugest mistake ever by provoking us, and you will be destroyed in the most spectacular and ruthless fashion in all the history of Mankind. We will rain hellfire down upon your fishlike heads, and put shit in your drinking water. We will enslave all of you, and force you to fight each other in Karate matches for our amusement. We will wipe our asses with your nicest towels and feign ignorance when confronted about it. We will bombard your self esteem with racist jokes.

If you surrender unconditionally within the next 24 hours we will only kill half of your first born sons and poison only two thirds of your rice. Regardless, you will suffer horrors that will make all other Chinese people of the world think twice about ever pissing us off in the slightest.

Sincerely,

Barry of The Barry Rides

Pump Station

My office recently built a special room where women can go, sit in privacy, hook up their computers, and use their personal breast pumps to produce milk for their children. I assume these women are supposed to be lactating, but I have never asked. Anyway, I was wondering would it be so wrong if I used this room to jerk off? These women go in there when their breasts get engorged to relieve the pressure. Well I have the same problem with my cock. I sit at my desk and sometimes it gets "full". Why can't I go in there with my computer for fifteen minutes (if I use the right hand) to have some release? It would make me more comfortable and relaxed so I can focus on work. I am really thinking about the company here. I don't see the difference between me whipping out my junk and stroking it and pulling out a boob and pumping the milk out. I can even use the same jars and put it in the fridge. I think I am going to ask my local HR representative what she thinks.

Choke On It

I was reading the New York Times food section the other day (because I'm classy and urbane) and I saw an article about how the new hip ingredient that everyone's getting into is rabbit and while that might turn some people off, it made perfect sense to me. You see, the simple fact is, when faced with a choice of what to eat, the easiest way to cut through the bullshit is to always eat the cuter animal. For your consideration:



Cows are pretty damn tasty, and they can be pretty cute in a weird way, but you know what's better than beef? Veal. And you want to know why? It's cuter. I mean look at this thing...



Who wouldn't want to eat that? But I can go one further, lamb is even more delicious than veal, just look at this little fucker, my mouth is watering as I type this...



And with lamb you get to see this law in action. Think about the fact that the older and more haggerd a lamb gets, the tougher and more gamey it's meat becomes. Who wants to eat this thing?



So yeah, when I read about restaurants adding cute little bunnies to their menus I don't get outraged or grossed out, I make a reservation. I say fuck it, why stop with the usual farm-type animals, I bet Panda is the most delicious thing on earth, I want to eat one with some BBQ sauce. Imagine what a sea otter must taste like when it uses its tiny little paws to smash open mussel shells with river stones, so cute. Genie pops out of a bottle and asks me what I want to eat? Raven Symone circa 1989 with a can of orange slice.



That's my death-row meal.

Giving back

I just had a dream I was doing community service in Hermosa Beach. I guess it's possible since odds are I will eventually be arrested for the 63 simultaneous crimes against nature I just committed. Funny enough, the police from Reno 911 were in charge of my community service. Deputy S. Jones was my case officer. I drove around in his cruiser to avoid doing any real work. Dreams are great!

Has it been 37 years already

Sometimes I worry about my brother. He stopped shaving awhile ago. He likes to let the beard grow for about a month so it gets super scratchy, then when he can't take it anymore he has The Shave of Beverly Hills clean it off. That is all fine and dandy but they went out of business a few weeks ago. Now I am worried he will be walking around his apartment with a billy goat beard and shoe boxes stuffed with cum rags for shoes. It is like he is the poor man's Howard Hughes. No jars of urine yet but I am pretty sure his pants are full of shit. Wow this went off topic quick. I just wanted to wish my brother a happy birthday. Thirty seven years ago my mom was rushed to the ER and after seven hours, three feet of intestine and my brother emerged from her anus. It was a great day.

Enjoy the day you fag!


*Good news The Shave has reopened! It's a birthday miracle.

Shutter Island the review

You might be wondering why there is a picture of Bar Refaeli in a bikini above. Isn't it obvious? This same picture was hanging in Leonardo DiCaprio's trailer on the set of Shutter Island. Every morning he would look at this photo and say, "Please God let me stay rich and famous so I can keep banging chicks like this." The movie sucked. Shame on you Mr. DiCaprio. You disappointed me but I understand. You have to do what you have to do.

Why I will never make it in Hollywood

So this morning I was dropping off Monkey at LAX so that he could fly the friendly skies via Pet Airways to Colorado when who do I meet but none other than the star of Bored to Death, Jason Schwartzman. He was dropping off dog for a trip to NYC. We stood there for a few seconds exchanging pleasantries about each others respective pets while all his movies ran through my mind. Do I say something? Do I tell him I like Bored to Death even though his character is a bit Jewy? Before I could get the words out, Monkey decided to drop a man sized log basically on Mr. Schwartzman’s foot. I guess he was nervous. Damn it. Why does my dog have to ruin everything? Bad enough he has cancer. I awkwardly picked up his poop with the standard “this never happens inside" line coming out of my mouth. When I pushed my script (McDonald's receipt with my phone number written on it) into his chest he did not seem receptive at all. I totally blame my dog's bowel movement on my failure to get him attached to my latest egg mcmuffin project.

Mo'Nique gets Oscar nod

I saw Mo'Nique got an Oscar nomination for Beerfest this morning. I can't think of a more deserving recipient. The raw emotion she showed when she pushed Landfill into that vat of beer was gut wrenching. I really felt her anguish over taking a life. If that wasn't enough her interaction with Barry Badrinath was nothing short of genius. I honestly felt they were in love or at the very least I wanted a slap and tickle. Congrats you chocolate goddess. I am pulling for you.

Most talented, least successful Jew in Hollywood

I am beginning to wonder why I am the only Jew in LA who isn't rich. When I made that pact with the devil I assumed at some point I would be rich and successful in Hollywood. I had dreams of people kissing my ass while all my movie ideas got the green light without me ever writing a script. Then again that devil was a she-male wearing red horns four days after Halloween in El Segundo. I let him touch it with the promise of success. So far nothing but a rash.

Nigger Jim, get your raft ready

I just found out my dog has cancer again. I am not pleased. Friday he leaves for Colorado State University to get the best treatment my credit card can buy. While there he will be spending some time at the Canine Health Resort. Everybody wish him luck. He better live forever.

Our president is black and our children stupid

America is really falling apart. Last night when I couldn't make it through anymore of the President's state of the union speech (as he was introduced), I started flipping through the channels. I didn't change the channel because of Barry being black (him not me), I just didn't want to listen to a guy who is planning on taxing me on money I haven't made and never will. Anyway I was flipping through the channels when I came across the movie Twilight. After watching ten minutes of it, I realize now America is in deep shit. I understand Hollywood will make anything as long as it makes money and I respect that, it is the same reason I will dig a ditch or let a middle aged white man slap my ass for fifty dollars. What I don't understand is how every 14 year old in America has a hard on for this movie. I have never seen a smellier pile of shit in my life. The acting is terrible and my morning constitutional has more of a story. And I only made it through ten minutes. The youth of America are completely retarded.

Vampires sparkle like diamonds in the sun.

The terrorists have already won.

I miss the '80s

Three amazing quotes from a '80's pile of shit. Guess the movie and win nothing.

You blow away a broad's date, the least you can do is drive her home.

Well, there's some good and there's some bad news. The good news is you're right - I'm a cop and I've gotta take you in. The bad news is I've been suspended and I don't give a fuck.

I hear West Hollywood's a faggot sewer.

People of the world unite

We have had some major tragedy in the world this week. There are close to 500,000 people dead or missing on a tiny island. From what I understand it is pure anarchy. I ask you in this difficult time to do what you can to help, whether it be donate money, services or just open your home to refugees, now is the time to be selfless. I swear I have never seen Puerto Rico in such despair. Earthquakes suck.

***Photo taken moments ago in downtown Port au Prince

So fucking laz....

I have been so lazy lately I haven't even posted about being too lazy to blog. Reminds me of a bit Louis C.K. did about a heckler. Something about when they were born someone walked by and say "Hey look at that cunt coming out of some cunt's cunt.

I like to say cunt.

Blog on.

Spoiler - The entire plot of Sherlock Holmes

I saw Sherlock Holmes and I plan to ruin it for everyone. Stop reading if you actually want to waste your money and see it.
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So Sherlock Holmes had a ton of hype and yes there is some great scenery, and some good fight scenes, oh and some dark arts trickery, but really the big thing in the movie, the big thing that sets up part two, is that the bad guys want a to steal a garage door opener. That's it. I just gave it all away. It is actually a pretty good thing to want. Who the hell wants to get out of their car and manually open their garage, then have to get back in the car to park? That sounds terrible. I feel the bad guy's pain. I really could relate to him.

I just saved you ten bucks. You can thank me after you watch it on cable.

Happy Fucking New Year!

I have made some resolutions for the new year. No particular order:

• Get rich or die trying
• Catch Bin Laden (see get rich)
• Grow two inches
• Punch Betty White in the face again
• Stop that porn tape of me and Betty White from being released.
• Get OJ out of jail
  
• Learn to weld
• Get a 2010 Calender
• Laugh at the homeless
• Write a trilogy
• Run a marathon naked
• Convert to Judaism
• See the movie Kick Ass

I am sure I am forgetting something but for now I think I have a good start.
****Betty White is a saint and I would never punch her.

Happy New Year from The Barry Rides!

Fuck you

Yeah, you. The person reading this. You wanna know why? Because you never leave any goddamn comments. Scroll down and look at the sidebar and you'll find a Sitemeter thing that displays our daily traffic. Yeah that's right, 4,900+.

So I fail to understand why, despite the fact that we gain new readers every single day (don't believe me? check the sitemeter tomorrow and there will be at least 7 or 8 more than we had today), almost all of you refuse to show your appreciation by commenting. The only people who leave comments are myself, Jake, Barry, and Barry's brother Louis. This is bullshit and must end. If you fags won't cooperate, I'll fucking MAKE you.

Arbeit Macht Frei

Has anyone seen those PETA videos of the industrial farm chickens that are bred to grow so much breast meat that they can no longer stand? They stumble around until they fall down in their own waste (I type this while eating a bucket of KFC). These chickens are preferable because consumers buy more breast meat.

A friend of mine was recently telling me about a performance review with her boss where she was given some feedback about how she could improve her assent up the corporate ladder. When she explained that she was perfectly happy where she was, her boss was astounded.

The Barry Rides takes over the Fast and Furious Franchise

I am happy to announce that The Barry Rides has gotten an imaginary contract to pen six new Fast and Furious movies. We will be starting with the forth in the franchise and working our way through number ten. Some of you may be aware of the fact that number four has already been released, but we are pretty confident that once you see our version you will be happy we redid it. I don't want to take anything away from the originals, so please see ours as a re-imagining and less of a redo. Interesting thing about our contract, all writing will be done by Jake and one of prerequisites to him putting pen to paper is that he takes an Ambien before he actually starts. I figure the first script will have a Buick Grand National, Vin Diesel, cinnamon toast, and maybe a chase scene through a Costco all within the first five minutes.

I am also happy to announce that you won't have to wait for the movie to be released in theaters to know what happens. Jake is planning to use the blog to write the script.

2010 is going to be awesome!

Ron Livingston is gay

At least according to one anonymous person who has Mr. Livingston's panties in a bunch.

It turns out that, despite Livingston's somewhat convincing denials that he is a homosexual, his Wikipedia page keeps insisting that he is one. Apparently someone keeps re-posting this information after each attempt by Livingston's agent to suppress it. This indisputable fact has led him to file a lawsuit against the alleged individual, and also marry a woman.

Barry Rides operatives have conducted an extensive investigation of Mr. Livingston, and have discovered that a Google search for "Ron Livingston is not a fag" returns a mere 3,080 results, while a search for "Ron Livingston is a fag" yields a commanding 789,000 results. On top of this, Yahoo Answers has gone on the record confirming these data.

Nevertheless, we at The Barry Rides feel that Ron Livingston is simply an innocent heterosexual who has been tricked into living a deviant lifestyle by the evil Boss Spider attached to his brain*.

*see pic

I porked Betty White

I was picking up a couple of tall boys the other day when this old bitch got in my face. Apparently I took the last Miller High Life six pack. We almost threw down, but then we both realized we could share the beer. I woke up six hours later in the Los Angeles zoo with a sore ass and an empty wallet. Damn you, Rose Nylund!!!

Hanukkah plus Yom Kippur = super holiday

So my brother wants to start a new religion and he has chosen me as one of the scribes. Not really, but I am going to pretend he wants me to write down his thoughts. This new religion will be just like Judaism, but there will be some subtle differences. For example, there will be no women allowed in this time. You really can't hate Jewish women if there are none (wow I really wrote that.) Another change that is really the reason for this post is how The menorah will now be eight Yahrzeit candles. Each day of Hanukkah, my brother, the supreme ruler of the the New Jewish Order will light a candle for someone he wishes was dead. Sure it sounds crazy now, but if I told you 75 years ago there would be people worshiping a guy who wrote bad science fiction books you would have thought I was out of my mind too. Let's talk in a few years.

This Just In...

It is being reported that a Richard Gere robot was recently admitted to the robot hospital in order to have a Zhu Zhu Pet removed from his rectum.

Rectum? Damn near killed him....

Freedom isn't free, but Lewis is willing to pay your share

When I am driving and I see a black man crossing the street do I pray that my doors are locked? Absolutely!
When I see a gay man shopping at Macy's, do I instinctively want to run out of the store because I assume he wants to rape me? Yep!
When I see a Puerto Rican man smiling, do I assume he just came from a wilding? Come on. You know the answer.

The point I am trying to make other than a gay black Puerto Rican scares me is that I might have these thoughts, but I rarely act on them. That is where my brother the American comes in. He is doing the job we are too scared to do. Recently he pulled into the parking garage of his over priced gym to find a Muslim man kneeling on a mat facing Mecca chanting something in tongues. He was given a hard choice as he got out of his Mercedes. Does he go workout and ignore the religious man or does he call security to report the terrorist who just planted a bomb and then work out. I think we all know that Lewis made the right choice.

I am not exactly sure what happened next as my brother was running an 8 minute mile but I would like to believe I am safe right now because of his diligence.

Amanda Knox: The Lifetime Biopic

True story: back in the late 1990's my family had an older guy working for us as a salesman. He was a real broken down sort of Willy Loman type that would always carry a handkerchief around that he would hock phlegm into. Well after some time, it became clear that things weren't working and we let him go. No big deal, not even worth mentioning except...

A couple weeks after he was fired, a package arrived at the office addressed to our company, care of our former employee. Since it was addressed to us, I opened the package only to find a home-made looking VHS cassette with a plain white label that read: "FJ 5". Included in the package was a letter addressed to our former employee, written on plain white paper, that apologized for a defective cassette and offered the enclosed cassette as a replacement. It went on to say that the letter could be used as a coupon for discounts on future "FJ" cassettes and thanked him for his patronage. Intrigued, I took the cassette upstairs and popped it into the VCR only to get my first glimpse of hardcore foot fetish porn.

Set aside from the fact that only a complete sociopath would have this sort of stuff sent to their place of employment, what astonished me about this whole thing, was the fact that this sort of stuff existed. Up until this point I'd seen plenty of pornography, but nothing like this. You have to remember, this was the 1990's, pre-internet porn, the craziest stuff in the mainstream was Hustler, and I don't think they were even showing penetration yet. Here I was watching a guy fuck a woman's feet, the only way someone could come across this sort of stuff was either in Amsterdam or hanging out in the back of that white van parked behind 7-11. It was shocking, sort of like the opening of Blue Velvet where a camera pans through a Norman Rockwell type scene, and ultimately settling on the ants and beetles fighting under the grass. Something creepy was going on under the surface.

But those were simpler times, before the wave of sex machines, thai lady-boys, felching, bukkake, and gapers engulfed the internet. Fast forward 10 years, and the days of soft-core porn now glow with a certain naive nostalgia once reserved for episodes of Happy Days or egg creams (search egg cream on a porn site and you'll find something completely different from what Fonzie used to order at Al's). Anyhow, I'm digressing....

Today, I read that Amanda Knox, the American college student, was sentenced to 26 years in an Italian prison for a murder/sex crime that she and her boyfriend did to her roommate. And I'm pleased to say that when I read about their freaky sex/snuff scene, I was a little shocked...



BTW: I hear they cast Wycleff Jean, Elisha Cuthbert, and Harry Potter to star in the biopic. I'm gonna watch it with a belt around my neck so I can choke myself while they get it on!!!