Truly an Honor

I was surprised as anyone to be asked to speak at Michael Jackson's funeral tomorrow. It is especially shocking as the topic I was asked to converse on was how I believe Michael Jackson still ate pussy when his skin was a dark shade of brown. I wrote a thesis on this very topic for my statistics class. You see, as the color of his skin lightened I believe you can graph out how his desire for the fairer sex weaned. It is all very scientific and you can learn more tomorrow at the Staples Center. I go on after John Mayer.

*Might have gone too far

Happy Belated 4th America

I totally forgot to write a post about the 4th of July. I guess it was because while you were sitting at home drinking your beers and eating burgers, I was busting my ass defending your freedom. Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Whose gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinburg? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom.

Wow did I really just pull that quote out!

Destiny

So yesterday I was hanging with Ozone and Turbo when it came to me. Why aren't I making money doing the worm? It is high time I showed those corporate drones that I am more than just a suit. I have talent and I am going to go far. Next time I have an interview, I am going to walk on in there, pull off my suit sleeves and before security can escort me out, do a head spin. Those old stuffed shirts will then realize I am exactly what they have been looking for and hire me instantly to head up importing and exporting.

BREAKING: Erik Sean Nelson to be fired from The Huffington Post

Reliable sources tell The Barry Rides that self-described "Fiction Author and Comedy Writer" Erik Sean Nelson will be terminated from his position as a blogger for the Huffington Post, following a flood of reader complaints about his article "Palin Will Run In '12 On More Retardation Platform".

Nelson, seen here in his largest available online profile picture, apparently ruffled a few feathers with his comedic piece on the undesirability of mentally retarded babies.

The article was quickly pulled after bloggers picked up on the story, and used the gaffe to promote the idea that The Huffington Post pays people to write articles critical of infants with Down Syndrome.

Some have speculated that the line,

"Her first act as President: To introduce a Pre-K lunch buffet that includes lead paint chips"

is what sparked the outrage, while others claim that the joke about a

"Large Head-Start Program"

was also questionable given the fact that Erik Sean Nelson is a contributor to the Huffington Post, which has White House press room credentials. Barry Rides operatives have also been told by credible sources that Erik Sean Nelson is overweight and physically unappealing.

Developing...

Deli makes my junk tingle.

Normally when eat at a Jewish deli, sex is the last thing on my mind. Think about it! The patrons remember WW2 and the waitresses are the shape of pickle barrels. The only movement in my pants is if I drop coffee in my lap. Yesterday though, as I sat at my table and stared at the wall in front of me, I couldn't help but be aroused. I can't explain it.

Roll 'n Rye in Culver City

Fight Club in my stomach *

I never thought I would say this, but there may actually be a use for Twitter after all. Besides of course for people to keep track of my bowel movements. That use is to notify me of where and when to eat. There is this new trend of high end roach coaches driving around Los Angeles. These trucks send out Twitter notes of where they will be so losers like me who want nothing more out of life than food can go find them. I think it is brilliant. I sit at home and wait for the message telling me where and when. It's like a fight club but instead of notifying me of where to get my ass kicked, it notifies me of where to get a stomach ache.

Here are some pics from last night's Korean BBQ Truck excursion:

* I almost titled this post "Fight Club in my Mouth." Wow, that would have been a mistake.

But I love them both

People magazine has a tough choice to make. Who gets the cover?

R.I.P Michael Jackson

R.I.P Farrah Fawcett

**See page 73 for Ed McMahon write up

Our school system has failed

Sitting around work we were discussing the general hotness of Puerto Rican women or at least that was what I was thinking about while everyone else was discussing getting stabbed at the Puerto Rican day parade, when a co-worker asked if the island of Puerto Rico was off the coast of New York. At first I thought she was joking but based on the look on her face I soon realized this was no joke. She was serious. I distinctly remember in 4th grade geography the teacher pointing out on a map where Puerto Rico was so we would know to never go there. I am joking. I have been there and I loved it. To give my friend the benefit of the doubt since she reads this blog I will assume she skipped fourth grade because her brain was too advanced.

Later in the day I asked her if she knew where Israel was. She said she never heard of it and asked if it was near Palestine as she spun a globe on her desk from 1938.

John and Kate the commentary

I know this is a hard news site and it is very important not to add opinion when reporting fact, but I just can't keep quiet on this one. I just heard John and Kate are done, and I have to say I am happy about it. We live in the most advanced society in the world. With this advancement comes the responsibility to be civilized and show some class. I am beyond thrilled this show was canceled. I am still wondering how a porn show got on TLC to begin with. How do we even know it is a full eight? Is that flaccid or erect?

No porno on my watch.

Ed McMahon beats cancer

In a surprising turn of events, Ed McMahon announced today that he was cancer free. After battling the disease for many months, his doctors were happy to announce to his family and friends that Ed wouldn't have to worry about the disease anymore. His wife Pam felt a sigh of relief that she hadn't felt in years.

**Update**

Ed McMahon just announced that he was leaving his wife and moving to the Hollywood Forever retirement community. Ed had no comment about the story but a close friend was overheard saying, "Ed finally found a home where he wouldn't have to worry about money."

Too much of a loser to be a nerd

All year I've been dreaming of Comic-con. Where else can a seemingly harmless man as myself get his picture taken with a black woman dressed as Wonder-Woman while on his way to the bathroom? It's a simple pleasure that I was hoping to enjoy. In the past, I would drive down to San Diego while wearing my Darth Maul face paint, go up to the counter, buy a ticket, and spend the next four hours not being judged. But noooooooooo, not this time. This year the elf wizard, level ten, behind Comic-con decided to sell tickets exclusively online. No sales at the door for the guy who wants to pretend going is a spur of the moment decision. After much anguish, I decided to use the interweb and purchase a ticket online. The pain of having to commit months in advance was so great I had to double my therapy sessions for the week. Well the boys of Lamda, Lamda, Lamda got the last laugh. The show has been sold out for months. I have no way of getting in. I am going to put on my batman pajamas and cry.

New Term discussed at lunch

Cock Barnacles, better known as genital warts.

Fine I just blurted it out when someone mentioned cutting their foot on a barnacle in the ocean. Such an easy transition how could I not mention it.

Poor Billy Joel

I post one video of William Joel and Randy loses his mind.

I had a strange dream last night...

...I dreamed I was Barry having a dream about this:

eCards

Hope this clears things up Aunt Ruthie.

Cover your eyes, Aunt Ruthie!!!

Randy: why are you being a tool

Barry: suck it
not like i pulled it

Randy: i'm pulling it right now

A bottle of red

Stay off the roads in the Hamptons. Billy Joel is single again.

**Update**

Video removed due to annoyance. You win randy.

This made my day

Actual email I received from my aunt about the blog:

Enlighten me.....what's all the gay talk on your blog?? Remember, I'm old, I don't get a lot of the stuff............am I to assume that you are gay, bi-sexual, what?? I love you know matter what.

I had to shut the comments off on this one.

FUCKING AWESOME!

Aliment of the day

I think I have hip dysplasia. My hip has been hurting for about a month now and my x-ray doesn't look good.

Cock Sells - The Hangover Review

Even though I wasn't there I am pretty certain this is how Zach Galifianakis' meeting with his 90 year old female Jewish agent went:

Scene - Lower East side apartment/office above Moisha's Bakery.
Lighting - Dark
Cats - everywhere

Agent: Zacky I got a part for you.
Zack: Really, does it involve me playing second fiddle to a guy playing second fiddle to Ashton Kutcher?
Agent: No Zacky, this is the big time. How do you feel about showing your penis on camera?
Zack: Excuse me?
Agent: I got the role of a lifetime for you, but you have to show your penis while a tiger lunges at you and maybe one other time.
Zack: Is this a porn movie?
Agent: No, no, this is a big budget Hollywood summer movie. You are going to be on screen with Bradley Cooper. He is very handsome in that goyish way. This movie will make you a household name, assuming anyone can pronounce that last name of yours. Is it Greek?
Zack: Yeah, it is Greek. I guess I am down with making a movie with Bradley Cooper.
Agent: Good, good. Just sign here. Oh and couple small details. There will be a scene where you insert your penis in an old lady's mouth while photos are taken that will be shown during the credits, but trust me it will all be very tasteful. You are circumcised right?
Zack: I think so.


The real review:
Movie = awesome

Simple Fact of Life

Never do business with a man who has a soul patch.

Question of the day

Now that Eminem is 37 does he still sing this song?

"And Moby? You can get stomped by Obie
You thirty-six year old baldheaded fag, blow me
You don't know me, you're too old, let go
It's over, nobody listens to techno"

I need to know!!

Segway Prototype:

The problem with the old ones is that they're extremely hard to turn.

New straw for the old broom

You know the scene in Rocky 3 when Apollo is training Rocky and he keeps yelling "eye of the tiger, eye of the tiger, Rock"? Well I could benefit from a little "tiger eye" myself. As spring gives way to summer, and I emerge from my winter couch hibernation, I'm feeling I need to challenge myself a bit, push my limits.

In order to rouse myself from my torpor, I feel like I must make some changes, which is why I've decided to sign up for the Activia Challenge.

You see, while I am far too lazy to allow Carl Weathers to chase me on a beach, I (like many Americans) have set my own personal achievement expectations so low that I will consider eating yogurt that makes me poop a "challenge"..... a challenge that I believe I am up to. 

Don't get me wrong, as Albert Brook's character in Weeds said, "I shit like a Swiss train" (in fact, I'm typing this while on the toilet). No, the true prize of the Activia Challange lies not in the toilet, but in the "Money Back Guarantee". You see, if Activia, and its key ingredient Bifidus Regularis® are unable to resolve my "irregularity" they will send me a refund of up to $12.00! 

How do I get that sweet cash you ask? That's the best part, the people at Dannon, in their quest to offer the best diuretic yogurt on the market, want a brief description of how Activia failed to resolve my problems. They're actually going to pay me to write about taking a crap!!!

Some people dream of being a doctor, some want to change their world by pursuing public office. I've just found my dream job.

Adorable

One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble

Most remember him in Kill Bill, but his high water mark was as Kwai Chang Caine in Kung Fu

RIP David Carradine aka Frankenstein, here's hoping it wasn't auto-erotic asphyxiation.

**UPDATE**

According to IMDB it looks like David Carradine was pulling a Michael Hutchence. At 72, I gotta give him some credit.

My favorite part...

The cop tells reporters, "A rope was attached to his neck and also to his penis"

(Artist's depiction of scene in Mr. Carradine's hotel room)

Shame on you, Mr. Ban Ki-Moon

Wait, to make up for trying to scam me in the past you are going to scam me now. Evil genius

UNITED NATIONS ASSISTED PROGRAMME FOR SCAMMED VICTIMS.
UNITED NATIONS COMPENSATION UNIT IN AFFILIATION WITH ACCESS BANK PLC.
Send a copy of your response to direct email:
vicdouglas22@webmail.co.za or vicdouglas24@live.co.uk
Our Ref: WB/NF/UN/XX027
Sir,
How are you today? Hope all is well with you and family? You may not understand why this e-mail came to you. We have been having a meeting for the passed 7 months which ended 2 days ago with the UNITED NATIONS BOARD OF TRUSTEES AND AUDITORS with former secretary to the United Nation Mr. Kofi Annan.
This email is to all the people that have been scammed in any part of the world, the UNITED NATIONS have agreed to compensate them with the sum of US$400,000.00 each.
This includes every foreign contractors that may have not received their contract sum, and people that have/ had an unfinished transaction or international businesses that failed due to Government problems etc.We found your name in our list and that is why we are contacting you, this has been agreed upon and has been signed.
You are advised to contact Mr. Victor Douglas of ACCESS BANK PLC, as he is our Africa representative, contact him immediately for your Cheque / International Bank Draft, or ATM Card of USD$400,000.00
This fund is in these three modes of settlement for security reasons, so he will send it to you through Courier Services and you can clear it in any bank of your choice.
Therefore, you should send him your full Name and telephone number/your correct mailing address where you want him to send the Draft to you.Contact Mr. Victor Douglas immediately for your Compensation: Person to Contact Mr. Victor Douglas Personal Email: vicdouglas22@webmail.co.za or vicdouglas24@live.co.uk
Thanks and God bless you.
Making the world a better place.
MY BEST REGARDS.
Mr. Ban Ki-Moon
(Secretary (UNITED NATIONS)

Breaking News - Jews given the right to drive

BREAKING NEWS

In a landmark decision, the state of California has voted 5 to 4 to give Jews the right to drive automobiles. In less than one hour, calls were made from GM calling off their recent need for bankruptcy. Cadillac sales alone tripled on the news. During a recent interview, Mayor Villaraigosa commented that he was proud of the forward thinking of the state. He even said maybe next we will allow gays to marry. Progress at its best.

How the mighty have fallen

Vampires have gotten so gay it's lame. And I know a lot of you are gonna get all PC and say that it's wrong that I use gay as a pejorative, but it ok, I'm allowed to say that because I hate gays.

A little prospective:

If you think back over the classic horror characters, Dracula was, by far, the badass of the bunch. Seriously, what did the Mummy, Frankenstein, or the Wolfman ever have that could compete with Dracula's pure coolness. When he wasn't turning proper victorian maidens into his undead hell-sluts, he was busy fucking dudes up with crossbows, turning into a wolf, or making fools so crazy, that they ate spiders and had to be put in asylums. Dracula was the shit, that is, until he decided to go hollywood.

Lets look back and watch the transformation from terrifying undead monster, to greasy extra on The Hills....

 Claws + Rat eyes = Badass

Sure he softened the look a little, but it was the 60's and he still could kick Frankenstein's ass

He went chocolate, but it was the 1970's and everyone slacked off a bit

Still Chocolate, but he clearly got his groove back, and his pimp hand was strong

OK, he slipped a bit into the disco scene, but can you blame him? It was the first time in 100+ years that a cape was fashionable again

Ok, this guy was kind of cool

Major turning point in lameness, the one on the right's wearing an 8-ball jacket

No comment necessary

And here we are, 90201 vampire. I can just imagine the dialogue "Nobody understands what it's like to be a vampire, I'm such an outsider"

Jesus, I wish they'd go back to making Teenwolf movies.

Lazy Youtube Post #12

Barry-

I know you hate it when I do this, but it has to be said:

And no, I didn't make this video

Jhen enters the world of blogging

Jhen is too lazy to write for this blog, but she obviously isn't too lazy to start her own. Jhen's new blog chronicles the musings of her brother as told via email. I hear he is like a young John Leguizamo or he once mugged John Leguizamo on the subway, either way, the blog is funny.

Read it!

Dear Gentlemen's Quarterly

Letter to the editor and Christian Bale:

But before we get to Mr Bale, I have some more words for Alan Richman and his obvious lack of taste. I was going to try another pizza place on his list called Antica Pizzeria, but before I could get in the door I was informed of how bad it is. Seriuously, Alan, did you make this list up as an elaborate joke on pizza eaters everywhere? Kind of how I will see a really bad movie and then tell a friend it is great just so they will see it (go see Terminator, it is awesome!) Alan, whats going on with you? Are you going through a tuff time? Remind me to ask you where to get a good slice, right after I ask a priest where the best pastrami is.

Now back to Christina Bale. I haven't read the article about him in GQ because it looks wordy but I did spend $11.50 to go see him over act so I think we have reached a point in our relationship where I can be honest. There has been lots of talk about how when he lost his mind on that lighting guy, he was in the moment and really in the scene. Well after seeing the movie I can say, Mr. Bale you truly are a douche. The movie is duece. If all it takes for you to go nuts is making a bunch of money while standing in front of a green screen crying how this isn't the future your momma told you about then I guess all is lost. Judgment day is coming.

The movie isn't all bad. I kind of went off for nothing. The best parts of the movie include:
Digital removal of Batman's costume from Christian Bale. Hold on you mean this is a different movie? But he uses the same voice. Weird.

And the best part! Arnold makes a cameo. I don't know how they did it. Was this film in storage for the last twenty five years? How did they splice the old footage in with the new footage of Christian Bale? I will never understand the magic of Hollywood.

So go see Terminator, you will not regret it!

Dear Gentlemen's Quarterly . . .

Letter to the Editor and Alan Richman:

I can be a bit of a dandy. I have been known to purchase your magazine to find out which summer shirt will look best with my converse sneakers. I am that shallow. I have no shame. However, I bought your magazine yesterday for one reason and one reason only. On the cover it clearly states "American Pie, The 25 Best Pizzas on Earth." The title lured me like some sort of miracle cure for cancer. The cashier had my $3.99 instantly. I ran all the way home with the magazine under one arm. Here is the tricky part, I only like to read magazine while crapping so I had to wait until this morning to see if the June issue truly was the book of life. Well GQ I now know you not only are not the book of life but I don't even think you could pass for being a new testament printed on old newspaper. Today I drove to number 7 on your so called greatest pizza list, Tomato Pie and I have to say I have had better slices at Sbarro at the Garden State Mall in Paramus New Jersey. What were you thinking? And I quote, "the crust unusually soft and tender, with a crisp bottom and a fluffy, nutty center." Do you even know what you are talking about? Are you making up descriptions to impress some girl? How about the dough was tasteless with a slight burn to the bottom. Don't even get me started on the sauce. A can of tomato paste and a packet of raw sugar do not make the grandma of slices. Honestly I am embarrassed for you. You clearly lost your taste buds in some sort of freak accident. You have brought me to a crossroads in life. There are still twenty four places left on your list. Fool me once shame on me. If the next place sucks this bad, I will be under your bed with a pizza cutter.

Sincerely,
Pizzaman33
Not as good as it looks.

WHAT DO YOU WANT!?!?!?

Blowjob....

or wait a second,  maybe my money back. Could you give me my money back?

So I was reading the news today and see that Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick were among the Bernard Madoff victims (I know this has been known for awhile, but I mainly stay current by reading old Chinese newspapers that my fishmonger, Mr. Lee, uses to wrap my halibut). Anyhow, according to the article, Bernard Madoff fleeced them for everything they had and while I am sorry to hear about their misfortune, I think the real tragedy is going to be felt by us, the movie-going public.

While Bacon's been entertaining movie audiences for nearly 3 decades now, it's really only been the last few years that he's been remotely bearable. I mean sure, we all love him as the slightly perverse asshole that either wants to rape us (Sleepers, the Woodsman), kill us and bring us back to life (Flatliners, Stir of Echos), or drown us in a river (White Water Summer, The River Wild), but a lot of us forget some of his earlier, shittier movies like: He Said She Said, She's Having a Baby, and the aptly named Forty Deuce (so named because it was essentially 40X worse than shit).

Anyway, my point is that if the recent past has been any indicator, financial security has been a real boon for the Baconator's film choices. I mean, most of his recent films have been somewhat decent. My fear is that now that all that cash is gone, we're gonna see a whole new series of stinkers like Hollowman 3, Footloose 2, or some remake of Quicksilver with Carlos Mencia playing Paul Rodriguez.

Seriously, the only thing standing between us and the revival of Elizabeth McGovern's acting career, is the fact that The Closer is doing well on cable.

Let's keep our fingers crossed that the trustees can get as much of that cash back as possible.

Never ask a friend for help

Last night some hoodlums vandalized my cars. It was the worst night of my life.
I am lying, the photo is fake. I blame modern technology and my neighbor for this blatant disrespect. last time I ask him to resize something.

Scientific proof I am becoming more of a douche

See if you can pick up on why I am becoming more of a douche.

My gym routine: Do 1000 sets of curls, eat six power bars, walk on the treadmill at exactly 3.2 miles an hour while watching the Today show, walk in the locker room, strip quickly, wrap myself in a towel, walk to shower, drop towel in bin right at the edge of the shower room, grab a fresh one from towel pile, walk three steps nude to shower, shower, dry off, walk to locker, get dressed with a towel around my waist until the last second, and get out.

Did you see the spot where I became a douche? It is the moment I drop the first towel and feel comfortable enough being nude to walk three steps to get in the shower. I can't believe this is happening to me.

Awesome Pics

Stopped in my new favorite Juice Bar/Mexican restaurant this morning. As I was waiting for my food I noticed this series of paintings on the wall. One word "Awesome"

Ansel Adams of Food

Lately I have been taking photos while I am eating. There is nothing better than capturing a piece of strawberry pie on film for future generations to see. Heavy cream glistening under fluorescent lights is truly why cameras were made.

I am also planning to use my photography skills to capture the true essence of the "spic-up" or as known in politically correct circles, a two wheel drive pick up truck used by gardeners far and wide.

Watch out Annie Leibowitz

Addendum to the perfect job

There has been a lot of talk about what the perfect career path would be. I have said before for it would be a combination of Chico and the Man and Baywatch Nights. Restoring cars in between cases, man that sounds awesome. I went back to the chalkboard recently and through some research I am forced to make a change to the formula of happiness.

Old Equation
Chico and the Man + Baywatch Nights = Awesome

New Equation
Chico and the Man + Baywatch Nights + Man V. Food = Nirvana

I think if I could somehow combine restoring cars with solving mysteries while enjoying amazing food my head would explode.

My Morning

I came to this traffic light on the way to work today. It pretty much describes my life.

Nice try

Haha check out this punkass Japanese kid. Yeah he's only nine years old, and yeah he can play Crazy Train perfectly on guitar, but his vocals are so wack! 

Probably because he doesn't even speak English!  What a loser.

Gran Torino, the review by Orville Boggs

A couple of nights ago Clyde finally got the DVD player to work with the old Zenith in the back of the tow truck. In my excitement I rented Gran Torino. Screw Marley and Me, I cried like Cholla did when he got covered in Tar. It had everything I look for in a movie; Pabst Blue Ribbon, racism, a gran torino, and a dog named Daisy. Best movie I've seen in a long time.

Slow News Day

Hey you know what sucks? When your parasitic dead fetus twin erupts from your fucking belly button.

Oh also there was a Category 1 inland reverse hurricane in Kansas today.