Get him a body bag

Time of death 5:01 PM - I put in an extra minute of overtime to show there were no hard feelings.

I have no work for the next couple of days and nothing next week. If anyone knows of any openings please let me know.

Ideal Job:
Detective Agency/Classic Car Restoration Shop

I of course will be the head detective who specializes in Yugo engine rebuilds. During the day I can work on cars and at night I can go out on cases. It will be a cross between Chico and the Man and Baywatch Nights.

Rolex closes BH location

I am sad to announce via unsubstantiated internet rumor that Rolex has closed its Beverly Hills location after eleven years. Now where am I going to get my watch serviced when it is off by one tenth of a millisecond? This is a terrible blow to the economy and my morale in general. If Rolex can't make it who can? I don't want to live in a world where downturns in the economy affect the super rich.

*Being the watch nerd that I am, this news actually makes me sad.

Chewbacca before he went all Hollywood

I have a Chewbacca figure (circa 1977) in my medicine cabinet. Every morning I open the cabinet and laugh while I apply my deodorant. Why are his eyes blue? Silly wookie.

James Spader, not a Jew

And I hear he hates black people. If you think that is bad I shouldn't mention that there is a conspiracy going around about how Spader had a hand in the drowning of William Shatner's wife. Something about Shatner being the bigger star on Boston Legal. It is all very tragic. At least he is a great actor. I loved him in Weekend at Bernie's.

*If I knew writing about James Spader would get me so much traffic I would have done it a long time ago.
** There is no proof James Spader was in Weekend at Bernie's.

East Bound and Down Season Finale

Did anyone catch the season finale of East Bound and Down? I am making a call right now. I say the boobs shown at the beginning of the episode do not in fact belong to April. I am thinking they used stunt boobs. Does anyone have proof either way? If you do please, please let me know so I can once again sleep at night.

Dyson Interview if Barry did it

The Barry Rides is pleased to announce that it has landed its first major interview. This week's guest is noted suction master the Dyson vacuum.

Barry: Thanks for being here, Mr. Dyson. First off I'd like to ask you abou-

Dyson: Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooshh

Barry: Excuse me, what was that you said about racism in America?

Dyson: Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooosh

Barry: I see. You say the political climate is much more stable in your home country of England but I hear the Muslim populat -

Dyson: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSHGNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNEKGHDAG;LKH (Interview stopped for bag change)

Is James Spader a Jew?

I have conclusive proof that he is indeed Jewish. I saw him order a tongue sandwich at Greenblatt's Deli yesterday. If that isn't proof his name used to be James Siegelbergwitz, I don't know what is.

I have hated this guy ever since he played Brooke Shield's douchey brother in Endless Love.

Randy Sexer interviews Michael Eric Dyson

The Barry Rides is pleased to announce that it has landed its first major interview. This weeks guest is noted author and schoolteacher Michael Eric Dyson, who just a week ago gave a legendary performance on HBO's Real Time with Bill Maher. We've invited Mr. Dyson to join us this evening and "rap" with us about "what's good".

Randy Sexer: Thanks for being here, Mr. Dyson. First off I'd like to ask you abou-

Michael Eric Dyson: Actually that's "Dr. Michael Eric Dyson".

Randy: I'm sorry. You're a doctor?

Dyson: Indeed, Mr. Sexer. I earned my Doctorate of Philosophy in Religion at the illustrious Princeton University.

Randy: So you're more of a "witch doctor", then.

Dyson: Let me, let me tell you what you just did- you used a code language, "Witch Doctor" which implies a negative stereotype of African-Americans as innately barbaric and tribal in nature, and furthers the racial bifurcation promulgated initially by white slave masters and perpetuated largely inviolate henceforth, and which has led Negroes in this nation to a point of despair and almost, I would say, constitutes an institutionalized sense of predetermined failure among Black men in this country which I believe largely accounts for a plurality of societal malfunctions experienced and/or perpetrated by said members of said society.

Randy: Actually I was making fun of your bullshit religion PhD.
Code language would be if I called you a master-baiter. By the way you talk too much bro.

Dyson: [jumps out of chair and beats Randy to death]

Editor's Note:

It has come to my attention that Randy Sexer has passed away after sustaining massive blunt-force trauma to his face and brain.
He was a credit to douchebags everywhere. He will sorely be
not missed.

                       - Barry

Got change?

[thx Allah Pundit]

Greatest Key Chain ever

I remember my dad having one of these circa 1987. I am not sure where he got it. Maybe on an exotic business trip or a bodega in Irvington New Jersey. I almost lost my prepubescent mind when I saw it. I brought it to school so I could share my new found knowledge of the female anatomy with my sexually naive young friends. You see, you move the handle and the penis goes in the vagina. I am pretty sure she has to be standing when you do it.

17 Again enrages me!!

The movie 17 Again is causing fire to grow in my belly. It is not because I hate Zac Efron (I do), or the fact that this genre of movie died a quick death in 1988 with Kirk Cameron in Like Father Like Son*. Its the false hope that enrages me! If I just get a second chance everything is going to be better!! Let's dissect the idea. Say I had some magic beans that could suddenly transport me back into high school circa 1990, what would life be like?

I would be a freak of nature, that's what life would be like. Even more so this time. I would be a 17 year old with the mind of a 33 year old. Sure I would have a bit more knowledge and a bit more skills with the ladies (so little), but would I want it? These are girls with big beeves, bigger hair and pegged jeans. There is no way I would find them attractive. They are children for Christ's sake. Now that we have girls covered, let's look at my living situation. I would be living with my parents, sleeping on a twin bed with a minimum of one spring poking through the ripped Star Wars sheets that I refuse to part with. That sounds fun. Ah, but at least I have a job which equals freedom. What? You say I work at CVS making $4.25 an hour. Hmmm, that doesn't buy much freedom. What was I going to do differently again?

On the plus side I would have the knowledge of the past twenty years as a burden on my shoulders. I would tell my mom to buy stock in Apple. She would ignore me. I would tell my dad to divorce my mom. He would ignore me. I would tell the FBI that some planes were going to crash into the World Train Center in eleven years. They would ignore me. And worst of all I would still get a D in gym class. No thanks Mr. Efron. You can keep your movie and your false dreams.

*I realize that Like Father Like Son is a different premise of movie. One involves going back to high school and one involves switching bodies with your father. Don't even get me started on that movie. If you switch bodies with your dad and take a shower isn't there some sort of charges your father could be brought up on?

"People just had this sense of entitlement"

Alternate title: "Dr. ChangeLove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Be the Bomb"


Other alternate title: "Irony doesn't mean anything anymore."

P.S. another alternate title: "Fuck yo couch, nigga!
FUCK YO COUCH!!!"

Wanted: One Mentor

A few minutes ago I had a discussion with the higher ups in my office and it seems I will be employed for one more week. Every Thursday I get one of these talks. I would say it was stressful, but since I am debt free and rich, it isn't. If that wasn't enough of a kick in the ass to make me question what I am doing with my life and why I insist on wasting my God given talent (Ballet Prodigy), I had to go and watch this trailer.

Why can't some Jewish comedian take me under his wing while he is dying? Jackie Mason* are you listening? "The car is going like this, the wheel is going like that, you're going like this because you can't figure out where did the back go?"

*In no way do I want to work for Jackie Mason. I would sooner wait tables in the Catskills while waiting for Nell Carter to go on.

Parent Trap cursed

I can't beleive both Natasha Richardson and Lindsay Lohan are brain dead. What? Lindsay Lohan not officially declared brain dead? My bad.

Yay for Capitalism!

P.S.
I would pay to watch Bob Parsons go up against Barney Frank in a fight to the death.

Movie of my life ruined

I had planned to write an after school special about my life. It was going to be awesome. I had the cast all lined up. My mom was going to be played by Sally Field and my brother by River Phoenix. Long story short, Ron Silver was going to play my friend Bruce. Nothing ever goes as planned. Ron Silver had to throw a wrench in the works and up and die. Now I have to rewrite everything so that it can be a comedy. My mom will be played by Bea Arthur. My brother by Larry Miller and my friend Bruce by Jon Lovitz. Being an executive producer is tough.

I'm a dick

Noted Mexican-American actor Ron Silver passed away yesterday after a drunken Charlie Sheen drove over his esophagus:

Vaya con Dios, Chingon.

What is this strange technology?!

I just found out that Youtube can be used for more than merely watching videos. It would seem you can actually "upload" all kinds of inappropriate things from your hard drive, right on to the "Net"
(the internet).

Without further ado I present the following goddamn awesome clip:

Words I am unable to pronounce

Chipotle

Applicable

Defender of Freedom

Last week I was told I would soon be unemployed. You would think with that tiny nugget of information I would tighten the belt and cut expenses. Nope! I have been spending like a black man. What??? Did he say that??? I mean I have been spending like our president. Blowing cash I don't have on things no one cares about. To help the economy and to be proactive in this competitve job market, I bought myself a second car. When that last minute interview falls into your lap, you need a back up plan if your primary vehicle won't start. I am thinking ahead. I am thinking about the long term good of our country. That is why I bought a 1993 Land Rover Defender 110. Nothing says you care about the economy like buying an old rusted British car to park on blocks in front of your place. Stay tuned as I convert the back half into a hospital for my new socialized medical program.

*This blog in no way, shape or form supports the economy.
**Stay tuned for the restoration process of this Orthodox school bus.

Booty raiders

Click here for a tantalizing glimpse.

Jews are bad

I'm Jesus's brother Satan, and I approve this message:

Yay for funny clips!

Fear of Pants

It is a well known fact that I fear pleated khaki pants. Throw in a cuff and you will see a grown man cry. With only a few days left to my job you can imagine the terror that is growing inside me. I have been taking a look at the jobs out there and really asking myself what I want to do with my life. I have thought about this long and hard and to avoid Dockers at any cost, I have decided to only look for a job that allows me to wear Stupid Pants. I know you think this might limit me but I actually think it opens a whole new world to me. Here is where I have sent my resume so far:
Gold's Gym - two open positions. Greeter or Juice Bar Barrista. Both jobs allow me the privilege of wearing sleeveless shirts.
Local Mob - Enforcer. I had to really look for this job. They don't advertise everywhere, but through the right networking I found a low level made guy who is looking for someone to come along on "pick ups". The best part is I get to carry a little league aluminum bat. To think my coach once said I swing like a rusty gate. I have come so far.
MC Hammer Pose - It isn't what it used to be but the pay is good. We go to birthday parties. I was told if I got the job, I would only have to dance when Hammer Don't Hurt Him comes on.
Web Development Company - Sadly my current job allows me to wear anything I want to work so I have sent them my resume. I figure once my job opens up at the end of the week they will be seriously looking. You have to be proactive in this job market.

If anyone has any other ideas please let me know. I have my resume on hand.

I'm kinda racist maybe

I just went to the gas station to get some smokes.

The clerk looked exactly like Mola-Ram.  I smirked but didn't tell him.

The end.

This guy has a bright future if he moves to Dimension-X

It really is Thunderdome!

I have four days left at my job. After three years of hard work I was told to pack my dialing wand and hit the bricks. With the economy in such turmoil I am not sure I will be able to get another job. I mean really what do I do? I am nothing more than a Tick Bird on the web industry. I don't even think I can get a job in the Thunderdome. You know how many try to become finalists for two men enter? It is harder than American Idol. I think the closest I am getting is a job as a Tina Turner impersonator performing "We Don't Need Another Hero".

New Economy Jobs

As the economy continues its steady decline, it's easy to fall prey to panic and melancholy. Many of us would probably like to lock ourselves inside and withdraw from these new, frightening times, hopefully to awaken sometime in the future when these troubles have blown over and the world is again verdant. However, it is important to understand that inaction will only worsen this situation, and now is the time to take positive steps to secure your future.

One of the most overlooked resources available to people looking to make a change is their local community college. Whereas larger universities are slower to change their curriculum, community colleges are more in touch with he changing needs of the job market, and are quicker to respond with course offerings to help train people to fill those needs. The following are some examples of new courses being offered in my community for those of you struggling in these tough times. I hope they spark some ideas....

BBM102: Intro to Bail Bonding/Skip Tracing.

As more of our newly impoverished population turn to crime as a means of supporting their families, bail bonding will play a larger role in allowing accused criminals to feed their loved ones while they await trial. Learn the skills necessary for tracking and capturing dangerous criminals for profit! This introductory course will provide you with the basics of bounty hunting, and teach you the skills necessary to get started in this exciting and dangerous field. Lectures will instruct students how to:

• Assess and traffic in bond collateral
• Subdue dangerous, often intoxicated fugitives in front of their children.
• Tap into criminal networks for information on criminal activities
• Use a Tazer®
• Look bad-ass while sporting a vest and a mullet
  

REP100: Repossession Agent

The recent binge of the American consumer, coupled with the collapse of the housing market has not only left a great deal of big-ticket items in the hands of people that can no longer afford them, but also created a golden opportunity for anyone with a tow-truck! Repossession has generally been a counter cyclical industry benefiting from the sorrow and stupidity of our overly materialistic citizenry. Learn the arts necessary to succeed in this lucrative and dangerous industry. Topics include:

• Breaking and entering
• How to hook a "no interest, no money down, no credit required" luxury car up to a tow truck under moonlight while getting shot at
• Using a Tazer®

SOP101: Somali Pirate

Travel, see the world, work for yourself. The life of a Somali Pirate

offers the freedom to set your own hours and operate under your own laws! This growing field has really taken off in the past few years and still holds tremendous potential for self-motivated go-getters. Get in on the ground floor and take advantage of the global chaos gripping our oceans and seas. Learn the following:

• How to convert an abandoned commercial fishing boat into a "Mother Ship"
• Maintaining and firing a Chinese rocket launcher
• Using a Tazer®
• Detecting the early symptoms of AIDS in Somali shipyard hookers

The above list is by no means exhaustive, it only serves as a sample of some of the exciting new opportunities that are replacing "old economy" jobs like Investment Banker or Stock Broker (although it also seems to suggest that familiarity with a Tazer® will pretty much replace literacy, and interpersonal skills, as the top-line resume item in the new job market).

Also, it is important to keep an open mind, many of the old reliable jobs that have fallen out of favor in recent years will enjoy a resurgence in our new economy. Keep an eye out for opportunities in fields such as prostitution, black-market organ theft, trading in stolen scrap metal, and selling oranges on highway exit ramps.

The bottom line is to keep your head up, and look for the opportunities that are constantly presenting themselves in these trying times. Next week I hope to be back with a tutorial on how to distill your own urine into sanitary drinking water.

Culinary Genius

Little something I came up with Saturday night. It is called the Spaghetti Sandwich. If you are really good in the kitchen I can email you the recipe.

Wiesenthal Center unearths damning photo

Did you honestly think Stalin came up with the mass operations of the NKVD on his own?

Birthday posts officially done.

Is anything sacred?

I am getting sick and tired of all the remakes coming out. Why is Hollywood allowing classic after classic to be reimagined into pure deuce? I feel I might be personally to blame. I mean when Can't Buy Me Love was remade into Love Don't Cost a Thing I did nothing. My inactivity with regards to this plagiarism reminds me of how I was during WW2. I even wrote a poem about it.
When they came for the Jews,
I remained silent;
I was not a Jew.

When they came for me,
there was no one left to speak out.

Well now I am speaking out. I have reached my breaking point. The classic art film Street Fighter has been stripped of all its class and creativity via Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li. Street Fighter was Raul Julia's crowning achievement. It was so good, he never made another movie after it. Doesn't that tell the executives in Hollywood something? We must stop this now before it gets any worse.

Too late - plans for a new version of The Neverending Story are under way.

Thousands of chickens dying as we turn a blind eye

There is no chicken Holocaust. They all moved to Brooklyn.

The greatest movie quote of all time

Has anyone seen the movie American Flyers? I am not going to bore you with the details, but what could be the greatest line of all time is uttered to Kevin Costner when he tells his brother he is dying.

"How could you be sick? I mean look at you, you got a mustache and everything."
Now that is good writing.

Always time to torture

Thirty-six years ago. . . I can't believe it's been thirty-six years since Lewis emerged from the womb. Eventually historians will show conclusive proof that he was around for a lot longer than that, but for now let's wish him a Happy Birthday. Enjoy the day raping and pillaging!

Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste
I've been around for a long long year stolen many man's soul and faith
I was around when Jesus Christ had His moment of doubt and pain
Made damn sure that Pilate washed his hands and sealed His fate
Pleased to meet you hope you guess my name
But what's puzzling you is the nature of my game

Stuck around St. Petersburg when I saw it was a time for a change
Killed the Tzar and his ministers, Anastasia screamed in vain
I rode a tank held a gen'rals rank when the blitzkrieg
raged and the bodies stank
Pleased to meet you hope you guess my name. Oh yeah
Ah what's puzzling you is the nature of my game. Oh yeah

I watched the glee while your kings and queens fought for
ten decades for the Gods they made
I shouted out "Who killed the Kennedy's?" when after all
it was you and me
Let me please intruduce myself I'm a man of wealth and taste
And I lay traps for troubadors who get killed before they reach Bombay
Pleased to meet you hope you guess my name. Oh yeah
But what's puzzling you is the nature of my game. Oh yeah
Pleased to meet you hope you guess my name
But what's puzzling you is the nature of my game

Just as every cop is a criminal and all the sinners, Saints
as heads is tails, just call me Lewis 'cause I'm in need
of some restraint
So if you meet me, have some courtesy have some sympathy
and some taste
Use all your well learned politesse or I'll lay your soul to waste
Pleased to meet you hope you guess my name
But what's puzzling you is the nature of my game

Seems like old times

I wanted to introduce everyone to an old friend of mine. His name is Ralphie. He comes to visit from time to time. When he's in town, he likes to stay on my nose. I feel bad telling him he outstayed his welcome.

Blog Issues

Something is wrong with the blog. All the posts are showing up blank. Fix it. Sorry talking to myself.

Just In Case the Stimulus Plan Doesn't Work...

I believe in Obama, I think he has the ability to unite this country and return us to the correct path. I support his stimulus package.

That said, I was thinking the other day about what I would do in the event that things didn't work out, what would happen if the shit really hit? And by that, I don't mean double digit unemployment, lost decades, or massive deflation. I'm talking about stabbing people for fresh water, eating shoe leather for its nutritional value, and bartering for gasoline. I'm talking about THUNDERDOME!!!

Now, having grown up in a comfortable suburb in one of the wealthiest nations during its most prosperous years, I don't have many of the tools necessary for survival in a post apocalyptic wasteland. So here's my plan:

First I need a glue gun....

I think Target's selling them for $9.99,

Then I need some football pads...

A couple feathers from an arts & crafts store....

And voila, I'll fit right in....

So if things don't work out with the bail out, and you see this dude at the local Exxon station, don't freak out, its just me doing my part, trying to adapt to the changing times.

Damn, I hope the bail out works....

Joaquin Phoneix - the review

There's been a lot of speculation in the media lately on whether or not Joaquin Phoenix has lost his shit or is playing a big Tony Clifton joke on everyone. I say, who cares. Let's discuss what is really important, namely how awesome his facial hair is. Sure his acting career has reached the pinnacle of success, but to me that is just gravy. His real accomplishment is the fact that he can grow that thick luxurious beard. I just want to stick my hands in it and see if they get stuck. I want to brush it and then when summer comes, shear it down to make sweaters for orphan children.

Fun Fact - Joaquin use to go by the name Leaf

Weekend in Pictures - douche edition - Just like Yahoo News

Douche in a douche outfit buying a sandwich at Bay Cities Deli:


Liberal Ironic Douche:


Retro Douche (May or may not have been John Lovitz):


*Damn I want a Delorean. Look at all that stainless steel. It can be my company car when I decide to fight rust as a career.

Red Pill

I just realized that I am plugged into the Matrix. Here is how I know. I actually like some of Keanu Reeve's movies. Street Kings, Constantine, The Matrix, Point Break, The Lake House. How else can you explain it? I think it is cool that I am self aware. I am like a Buddha with round eyes. Please don't sue me for 4 billion for being a racist. I learned it by watching you.

Things I have done today

• Had to poop as soon as I got out of the shower. Hate that.
• Looked at the new SI swimsuit issue. Got depressed. Is a magazine supposed to do that?
• Tried to update my resume. Used worked, completed, lead, and helped when I should have used, bullshitted, put off, forgot, and complained. Do I put blogger under skill set or job experience?
• Listened to Jhen's mother request her boyfriend to kiss her feet in Spanish. She didn't realize her phone was on. Long gross story.
• Bought some bolts from the UK.
• Asked my friend to make a picture of Ed209 holding a Barry Rides sign.
• Typed this post while on a conference call.

Almost as good as the barry rides

I don't really like to plug other blogs because it takes away from how awesome this one is, but I am going to make an exception for the following two sites:

This is why you're fat
F My Life

I'd buy that for a dollar

Sure the economy is failing, but you need to look at the bright side. As each auto company lays off more and more people, Detriot is becoming more dystopic and crime ridden. See where I am going with this? With this increase in crime, and the advancements in modern technology, there is really only one solution. Somebody call Peter Weller's agent. I honestly think we could make Robocop a reality. Let's look at what we need:
Peter Weller - Being a robot cyborg has to be better than doing dinner theater in the Valley
Roll of Tin Foil - It's bullet proof right?
1986 Ford Taurus - The world's most ideal police car. Will start looking on Craig's List in a few.
Cap Gun - No way I am trusting Peter Weller with a real gun. Can you even buy cap guns anymore?
Kurtwood Smith - We need a villian. This might be tough. I think he actually works.

I promise the citizens of Detriot, that when things seem to be at their worst, at least my Robocop won't have a purple tinge like the suit had in part 2. That was just lame.

Live Coverage of the 28th Annual Grammy Awards

My Grammy Party has gone off without a hitch. Randy brought the best pate. As they announce each award I am at the edge of my seat. I could die. Here is the rundown so far:

Record of the Year
Quincy Jones (producer) for "We Are the World" performed by USA for Africa
Album of the Year
Hugh Padgham (producer) & Phil Collins (producer & artist) for No Jacket Required
Song of the Year
Michael Jackson & Lionel Richie (songwriters) for "We Are the World" performed by USA for Africa
Best New Artist
Sade

Blues
Best Traditional Blues Recording
B. B. King for "My Guitar Sings the Blues"

Children's
Best Recording for Children
Jim Henson & Steve Buckingham (producers) for Follow That Bird - Original Motion Picture Soundtrack performed by the Sesame Street cast

I just loved Follow That Bird. I am so glad it won. I have my fingers crossed for
Mike Berniker & the original Broadway cast from Ma Rainey's Black Bottom to win Best Spoken Word or Non-musical Recording.

More coverage as the results come in . . .

He fought his first battle on the Scottish Highlands in 1536

To quote BIlly Ocean, "Simply Awesome"

The "I Can Read Movies" Series

*This blog has a completely platonic relationship with the movie Highlander! We have always wanted more though.

Love taking photos with my iPhone

Jean Shorts - check
Roller Blades - check
Manhood . . .

Can I kick Your Ass: Part Deuce

Ever since people at work decided that I was too much of a wuss to beat up the company's art director I have been going to the gym more often. Other than the foot menopause, the workouts have been good. So can some one explain to me why the machine from the future claims that I am shrinking? I have been 6 foot for most of my man-child life, yet now according to this contraption I am 5'9. This is some serious Benjamin Button shit or would a reference to The Incredible Shrinking Woman starring Lilly Tomlin been funnier?

Results from a few months ago:

New Results:

Notice as I get shorter my weight goes up. Very interesting, indeed!

Wizard of Oz Dream - stretch of a title

I had a dream last night that I was in training to learn how to use some sort of reporting system at work. Damn it was boring. Weird thing about the dream was that there were co-workers from all my past jobs in the training. I think there was even a fellow cashier from CVS there. If that wasn't strange enough, Nicole Kidman was also in the class. I said, "Why the hell are you here? You have an Oscar!" She got all offended. The nerve of some people. Later in the dream I peed myself. Did I mention I wasn't wearing pants in the dream?

Foot Menopause

I have been getting these hot flashes in my left foot for the last week and the only explanation I can come up with is my foot is going through the change. Actually according to web MD I might have some neurological disorder or some sort of nerve damage. Is that the same thing? Either way in my research I did find this: Hot Foot. Yes, I did a search on hot foot.

So I guess if I was a Mets fan I would have that going for me.

Timbuktu

I just finished a book about a dog that kills himself. What kind of a mood do you think I am in?