Movie of my life ruined

I had planned to write an after school special about my life. It was going to be awesome. I had the cast all lined up. My mom was going to be played by Sally Field and my brother by River Phoenix. Long story short, Ron Silver was going to play my friend Bruce. Nothing ever goes as planned. Ron Silver had to throw a wrench in the works and up and die. Now I have to rewrite everything so that it can be a comedy. My mom will be played by Bea Arthur. My brother by Larry Miller and my friend Bruce by Jon Lovitz. Being an executive producer is tough.

I'm a dick

Noted Mexican-American actor Ron Silver passed away yesterday after a drunken Charlie Sheen drove over his esophagus:

Vaya con Dios, Chingon.

What is this strange technology?!

I just found out that Youtube can be used for more than merely watching videos. It would seem you can actually "upload" all kinds of inappropriate things from your hard drive, right on to the "Net"
(the internet).

Without further ado I present the following goddamn awesome clip:

Words I am unable to pronounce

Chipotle

Applicable

Defender of Freedom

Last week I was told I would soon be unemployed. You would think with that tiny nugget of information I would tighten the belt and cut expenses. Nope! I have been spending like a black man. What??? Did he say that??? I mean I have been spending like our president. Blowing cash I don't have on things no one cares about. To help the economy and to be proactive in this competitve job market, I bought myself a second car. When that last minute interview falls into your lap, you need a back up plan if your primary vehicle won't start. I am thinking ahead. I am thinking about the long term good of our country. That is why I bought a 1993 Land Rover Defender 110. Nothing says you care about the economy like buying an old rusted British car to park on blocks in front of your place. Stay tuned as I convert the back half into a hospital for my new socialized medical program.

*This blog in no way, shape or form supports the economy.
**Stay tuned for the restoration process of this Orthodox school bus.

Booty raiders

Click here for a tantalizing glimpse.

Jews are bad

I'm Jesus's brother Satan, and I approve this message:

Yay for funny clips!

Fear of Pants

It is a well known fact that I fear pleated khaki pants. Throw in a cuff and you will see a grown man cry. With only a few days left to my job you can imagine the terror that is growing inside me. I have been taking a look at the jobs out there and really asking myself what I want to do with my life. I have thought about this long and hard and to avoid Dockers at any cost, I have decided to only look for a job that allows me to wear Stupid Pants. I know you think this might limit me but I actually think it opens a whole new world to me. Here is where I have sent my resume so far:
Gold's Gym - two open positions. Greeter or Juice Bar Barrista. Both jobs allow me the privilege of wearing sleeveless shirts.
Local Mob - Enforcer. I had to really look for this job. They don't advertise everywhere, but through the right networking I found a low level made guy who is looking for someone to come along on "pick ups". The best part is I get to carry a little league aluminum bat. To think my coach once said I swing like a rusty gate. I have come so far.
MC Hammer Pose - It isn't what it used to be but the pay is good. We go to birthday parties. I was told if I got the job, I would only have to dance when Hammer Don't Hurt Him comes on.
Web Development Company - Sadly my current job allows me to wear anything I want to work so I have sent them my resume. I figure once my job opens up at the end of the week they will be seriously looking. You have to be proactive in this job market.

If anyone has any other ideas please let me know. I have my resume on hand.

I'm kinda racist maybe

I just went to the gas station to get some smokes.

The clerk looked exactly like Mola-Ram.  I smirked but didn't tell him.

The end.

This guy has a bright future if he moves to Dimension-X

It really is Thunderdome!

I have four days left at my job. After three years of hard work I was told to pack my dialing wand and hit the bricks. With the economy in such turmoil I am not sure I will be able to get another job. I mean really what do I do? I am nothing more than a Tick Bird on the web industry. I don't even think I can get a job in the Thunderdome. You know how many try to become finalists for two men enter? It is harder than American Idol. I think the closest I am getting is a job as a Tina Turner impersonator performing "We Don't Need Another Hero".

New Economy Jobs

As the economy continues its steady decline, it's easy to fall prey to panic and melancholy. Many of us would probably like to lock ourselves inside and withdraw from these new, frightening times, hopefully to awaken sometime in the future when these troubles have blown over and the world is again verdant. However, it is important to understand that inaction will only worsen this situation, and now is the time to take positive steps to secure your future.

One of the most overlooked resources available to people looking to make a change is their local community college. Whereas larger universities are slower to change their curriculum, community colleges are more in touch with he changing needs of the job market, and are quicker to respond with course offerings to help train people to fill those needs. The following are some examples of new courses being offered in my community for those of you struggling in these tough times. I hope they spark some ideas....

BBM102: Intro to Bail Bonding/Skip Tracing.

As more of our newly impoverished population turn to crime as a means of supporting their families, bail bonding will play a larger role in allowing accused criminals to feed their loved ones while they await trial. Learn the skills necessary for tracking and capturing dangerous criminals for profit! This introductory course will provide you with the basics of bounty hunting, and teach you the skills necessary to get started in this exciting and dangerous field. Lectures will instruct students how to:

• Assess and traffic in bond collateral
• Subdue dangerous, often intoxicated fugitives in front of their children.
• Tap into criminal networks for information on criminal activities
• Use a Tazer®
• Look bad-ass while sporting a vest and a mullet
  

REP100: Repossession Agent

The recent binge of the American consumer, coupled with the collapse of the housing market has not only left a great deal of big-ticket items in the hands of people that can no longer afford them, but also created a golden opportunity for anyone with a tow-truck! Repossession has generally been a counter cyclical industry benefiting from the sorrow and stupidity of our overly materialistic citizenry. Learn the arts necessary to succeed in this lucrative and dangerous industry. Topics include:

• Breaking and entering
• How to hook a "no interest, no money down, no credit required" luxury car up to a tow truck under moonlight while getting shot at
• Using a Tazer®

SOP101: Somali Pirate

Travel, see the world, work for yourself. The life of a Somali Pirate

offers the freedom to set your own hours and operate under your own laws! This growing field has really taken off in the past few years and still holds tremendous potential for self-motivated go-getters. Get in on the ground floor and take advantage of the global chaos gripping our oceans and seas. Learn the following:

• How to convert an abandoned commercial fishing boat into a "Mother Ship"
• Maintaining and firing a Chinese rocket launcher
• Using a Tazer®
• Detecting the early symptoms of AIDS in Somali shipyard hookers

The above list is by no means exhaustive, it only serves as a sample of some of the exciting new opportunities that are replacing "old economy" jobs like Investment Banker or Stock Broker (although it also seems to suggest that familiarity with a Tazer® will pretty much replace literacy, and interpersonal skills, as the top-line resume item in the new job market).

Also, it is important to keep an open mind, many of the old reliable jobs that have fallen out of favor in recent years will enjoy a resurgence in our new economy. Keep an eye out for opportunities in fields such as prostitution, black-market organ theft, trading in stolen scrap metal, and selling oranges on highway exit ramps.

The bottom line is to keep your head up, and look for the opportunities that are constantly presenting themselves in these trying times. Next week I hope to be back with a tutorial on how to distill your own urine into sanitary drinking water.

Culinary Genius

Little something I came up with Saturday night. It is called the Spaghetti Sandwich. If you are really good in the kitchen I can email you the recipe.

Wiesenthal Center unearths damning photo

Did you honestly think Stalin came up with the mass operations of the NKVD on his own?

Birthday posts officially done.

Is anything sacred?

I am getting sick and tired of all the remakes coming out. Why is Hollywood allowing classic after classic to be reimagined into pure deuce? I feel I might be personally to blame. I mean when Can't Buy Me Love was remade into Love Don't Cost a Thing I did nothing. My inactivity with regards to this plagiarism reminds me of how I was during WW2. I even wrote a poem about it.
When they came for the Jews,
I remained silent;
I was not a Jew.

When they came for me,
there was no one left to speak out.

Well now I am speaking out. I have reached my breaking point. The classic art film Street Fighter has been stripped of all its class and creativity via Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li. Street Fighter was Raul Julia's crowning achievement. It was so good, he never made another movie after it. Doesn't that tell the executives in Hollywood something? We must stop this now before it gets any worse.

Too late - plans for a new version of The Neverending Story are under way.

Thousands of chickens dying as we turn a blind eye

There is no chicken Holocaust. They all moved to Brooklyn.

The greatest movie quote of all time

Has anyone seen the movie American Flyers? I am not going to bore you with the details, but what could be the greatest line of all time is uttered to Kevin Costner when he tells his brother he is dying.

"How could you be sick? I mean look at you, you got a mustache and everything."
Now that is good writing.

Always time to torture

Thirty-six years ago. . . I can't believe it's been thirty-six years since Lewis emerged from the womb. Eventually historians will show conclusive proof that he was around for a lot longer than that, but for now let's wish him a Happy Birthday. Enjoy the day raping and pillaging!

Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste
I've been around for a long long year stolen many man's soul and faith
I was around when Jesus Christ had His moment of doubt and pain
Made damn sure that Pilate washed his hands and sealed His fate
Pleased to meet you hope you guess my name
But what's puzzling you is the nature of my game

Stuck around St. Petersburg when I saw it was a time for a change
Killed the Tzar and his ministers, Anastasia screamed in vain
I rode a tank held a gen'rals rank when the blitzkrieg
raged and the bodies stank
Pleased to meet you hope you guess my name. Oh yeah
Ah what's puzzling you is the nature of my game. Oh yeah

I watched the glee while your kings and queens fought for
ten decades for the Gods they made
I shouted out "Who killed the Kennedy's?" when after all
it was you and me
Let me please intruduce myself I'm a man of wealth and taste
And I lay traps for troubadors who get killed before they reach Bombay
Pleased to meet you hope you guess my name. Oh yeah
But what's puzzling you is the nature of my game. Oh yeah
Pleased to meet you hope you guess my name
But what's puzzling you is the nature of my game

Just as every cop is a criminal and all the sinners, Saints
as heads is tails, just call me Lewis 'cause I'm in need
of some restraint
So if you meet me, have some courtesy have some sympathy
and some taste
Use all your well learned politesse or I'll lay your soul to waste
Pleased to meet you hope you guess my name
But what's puzzling you is the nature of my game

Seems like old times

I wanted to introduce everyone to an old friend of mine. His name is Ralphie. He comes to visit from time to time. When he's in town, he likes to stay on my nose. I feel bad telling him he outstayed his welcome.

Blog Issues

Something is wrong with the blog. All the posts are showing up blank. Fix it. Sorry talking to myself.

Just In Case the Stimulus Plan Doesn't Work...

I believe in Obama, I think he has the ability to unite this country and return us to the correct path. I support his stimulus package.

That said, I was thinking the other day about what I would do in the event that things didn't work out, what would happen if the shit really hit? And by that, I don't mean double digit unemployment, lost decades, or massive deflation. I'm talking about stabbing people for fresh water, eating shoe leather for its nutritional value, and bartering for gasoline. I'm talking about THUNDERDOME!!!

Now, having grown up in a comfortable suburb in one of the wealthiest nations during its most prosperous years, I don't have many of the tools necessary for survival in a post apocalyptic wasteland. So here's my plan:

First I need a glue gun....

I think Target's selling them for $9.99,

Then I need some football pads...

A couple feathers from an arts & crafts store....

And voila, I'll fit right in....

So if things don't work out with the bail out, and you see this dude at the local Exxon station, don't freak out, its just me doing my part, trying to adapt to the changing times.

Damn, I hope the bail out works....

Joaquin Phoneix - the review

There's been a lot of speculation in the media lately on whether or not Joaquin Phoenix has lost his shit or is playing a big Tony Clifton joke on everyone. I say, who cares. Let's discuss what is really important, namely how awesome his facial hair is. Sure his acting career has reached the pinnacle of success, but to me that is just gravy. His real accomplishment is the fact that he can grow that thick luxurious beard. I just want to stick my hands in it and see if they get stuck. I want to brush it and then when summer comes, shear it down to make sweaters for orphan children.

Fun Fact - Joaquin use to go by the name Leaf

Weekend in Pictures - douche edition - Just like Yahoo News

Douche in a douche outfit buying a sandwich at Bay Cities Deli:


Liberal Ironic Douche:


Retro Douche (May or may not have been John Lovitz):


*Damn I want a Delorean. Look at all that stainless steel. It can be my company car when I decide to fight rust as a career.

Red Pill

I just realized that I am plugged into the Matrix. Here is how I know. I actually like some of Keanu Reeve's movies. Street Kings, Constantine, The Matrix, Point Break, The Lake House. How else can you explain it? I think it is cool that I am self aware. I am like a Buddha with round eyes. Please don't sue me for 4 billion for being a racist. I learned it by watching you.

Things I have done today

• Had to poop as soon as I got out of the shower. Hate that.
• Looked at the new SI swimsuit issue. Got depressed. Is a magazine supposed to do that?
• Tried to update my resume. Used worked, completed, lead, and helped when I should have used, bullshitted, put off, forgot, and complained. Do I put blogger under skill set or job experience?
• Listened to Jhen's mother request her boyfriend to kiss her feet in Spanish. She didn't realize her phone was on. Long gross story.
• Bought some bolts from the UK.
• Asked my friend to make a picture of Ed209 holding a Barry Rides sign.
• Typed this post while on a conference call.

Almost as good as the barry rides

I don't really like to plug other blogs because it takes away from how awesome this one is, but I am going to make an exception for the following two sites:

This is why you're fat
F My Life

I'd buy that for a dollar

Sure the economy is failing, but you need to look at the bright side. As each auto company lays off more and more people, Detriot is becoming more dystopic and crime ridden. See where I am going with this? With this increase in crime, and the advancements in modern technology, there is really only one solution. Somebody call Peter Weller's agent. I honestly think we could make Robocop a reality. Let's look at what we need:
Peter Weller - Being a robot cyborg has to be better than doing dinner theater in the Valley
Roll of Tin Foil - It's bullet proof right?
1986 Ford Taurus - The world's most ideal police car. Will start looking on Craig's List in a few.
Cap Gun - No way I am trusting Peter Weller with a real gun. Can you even buy cap guns anymore?
Kurtwood Smith - We need a villian. This might be tough. I think he actually works.

I promise the citizens of Detriot, that when things seem to be at their worst, at least my Robocop won't have a purple tinge like the suit had in part 2. That was just lame.

Live Coverage of the 28th Annual Grammy Awards

My Grammy Party has gone off without a hitch. Randy brought the best pate. As they announce each award I am at the edge of my seat. I could die. Here is the rundown so far:

Record of the Year
Quincy Jones (producer) for "We Are the World" performed by USA for Africa
Album of the Year
Hugh Padgham (producer) & Phil Collins (producer & artist) for No Jacket Required
Song of the Year
Michael Jackson & Lionel Richie (songwriters) for "We Are the World" performed by USA for Africa
Best New Artist
Sade

Blues
Best Traditional Blues Recording
B. B. King for "My Guitar Sings the Blues"

Children's
Best Recording for Children
Jim Henson & Steve Buckingham (producers) for Follow That Bird - Original Motion Picture Soundtrack performed by the Sesame Street cast

I just loved Follow That Bird. I am so glad it won. I have my fingers crossed for
Mike Berniker & the original Broadway cast from Ma Rainey's Black Bottom to win Best Spoken Word or Non-musical Recording.

More coverage as the results come in . . .

He fought his first battle on the Scottish Highlands in 1536

To quote BIlly Ocean, "Simply Awesome"

The "I Can Read Movies" Series

*This blog has a completely platonic relationship with the movie Highlander! We have always wanted more though.

Love taking photos with my iPhone

Jean Shorts - check
Roller Blades - check
Manhood . . .

Can I kick Your Ass: Part Deuce

Ever since people at work decided that I was too much of a wuss to beat up the company's art director I have been going to the gym more often. Other than the foot menopause, the workouts have been good. So can some one explain to me why the machine from the future claims that I am shrinking? I have been 6 foot for most of my man-child life, yet now according to this contraption I am 5'9. This is some serious Benjamin Button shit or would a reference to The Incredible Shrinking Woman starring Lilly Tomlin been funnier?

Results from a few months ago:

New Results:

Notice as I get shorter my weight goes up. Very interesting, indeed!

Wizard of Oz Dream - stretch of a title

I had a dream last night that I was in training to learn how to use some sort of reporting system at work. Damn it was boring. Weird thing about the dream was that there were co-workers from all my past jobs in the training. I think there was even a fellow cashier from CVS there. If that wasn't strange enough, Nicole Kidman was also in the class. I said, "Why the hell are you here? You have an Oscar!" She got all offended. The nerve of some people. Later in the dream I peed myself. Did I mention I wasn't wearing pants in the dream?

Foot Menopause

I have been getting these hot flashes in my left foot for the last week and the only explanation I can come up with is my foot is going through the change. Actually according to web MD I might have some neurological disorder or some sort of nerve damage. Is that the same thing? Either way in my research I did find this: Hot Foot. Yes, I did a search on hot foot.

So I guess if I was a Mets fan I would have that going for me.

Timbuktu

I just finished a book about a dog that kills himself. What kind of a mood do you think I am in?

Like Peanut Butter and Jelly - we go together

Randy - I've had the Footloose song in my head all day. If this doesn't stop I will commit suicide
Barry - Better than having a vision of Kevin Bacon's cock from Wild Things
Randy - True story: When that movie came out this chick I was dating called me late at night, waking me up, to tell me she just saw Kevin Bacon's dick in a movie. I broke up with her and went back to sleep. Its a shame too because she was fine.
Barry - Did you break up with her for waking you or for seeing Kevin Bacon's dick?
Randy - Because I was jealous
Barry - Because you wanted to see his dick or because she saw another man's dick?
Randy - Can't remember

Conjunction Junction, What's Your Function!

I would hardly say I'm a connoisseur of fine music. Unless you think Britney Spears' "Hit Me One More time" is classic rock. Pretty much if it's on the radio and Ryan Seacrest is introducing it, I have listened to it intently. Maybe it isn't that bad. To the point, I had the opportunity to see a Jazz quartet perform the other night and I must say I really enjoyed it. It was Jack Sheldon and his band. For those of you who don't know or care about Jazz, I will let you in on an interesting fact about Jack Sheldon. He was the voice behind "Conjunction Junction, What's Your Function" and "I Am Just a Bill on Capitol Hill." Oh yeah, and he played the trumpet on the Merv Griffin show. If seeing the greatest performer that was on during commercials while watching the Smurfs in 1982 isn't cool, I don't know what is. Another interesting fact about Jack Sheldon is that he has had terrible tragedies in his life yet is one of the most talented musicians I have ever seen. I think two of his kids died or was it that he was a coke head? Don't quote me on anything, ever but it does bring up some other scientific research I have been doing. See chart below:

Jack Sheldon performs every Wednesday night at Charlie O's in the Valley. I recommend getting there early, having a couple of drinks, and watching him between sets, tell the old women in the audience they have nice tits. My new hero.

Typical Father

One minute you are enjoying bagels with them, the next they are beating you. My father was just like that. Don't get all upset that I am speaking badly about my deceased father. I just mean he liked to dress up like Batman, that's all.

The letter X

Today's program has been brought to you by the letter X, like in the word anXiety. Can you say anXiety? I know I can.

Trying to help a friend

What would you think of a person if you found out the local liquor store knew them on a first name basis?

What would you think of the same person if the reason happened to not be because they bought a ton of booze but candy?

You know who you are. You need help. Diabetes is just as serious as Cirrhosis.

Apology to Randy Sexer

I have to apologize to my good friend Randy this morning. He put up a great post last night about why he hated people that believed in God. He even took the time to pick the three religions he hated the most (Muslims, Christians, and Jews). Wait there is more. He added pictures of Kirk Cameron, a suicide bomber, and Sasha Baron Cohen. I feel kind of bad because I pulled it down. It was beyond funny but I have this fear of having to go into hiding because I mocked the plight of the Muslims. Randy gets to hide behind a fake name but stupidly I put up a picture of myself.

So for now I am going to keep this blog to only making fun of Latins, Jews, Gays, and Blacks. Pretty much anyone who won't blow me up while I am shopping in a farmer's market.

Sorry Randy. I am a big puss.

Science

I bet you didn't know that you can correlate depression to comedy. The more depressed you are, the funnier you will be. Just look at the chart below. Pure science. You will notice there is a slight dip in comedy level when you start to get really depressed, but once you cross the valley and accept your depression you will start to be funny again. If you don't believe me, look at some of the funniest comedians that ever lived. Look at Rodney Dangerfield. He suffered through crazy depression yet he made me laugh.

*This chart does not take into account the effects of anxiety or one's height on how funny a person is. Please see chart 6.5.42.2 for that information.

Can I kick your ass?

So yesterday I parked in some art director's favorite spot and the office got in a discussion on whether or not I could take this guy in a fight. I was sadly disappointed to find out people weren't sure. There was a time in my life that this would have crushed my spirit. Thankfully my spirit has been crushed by other things. Seriously I am kind of pissed. Of course I can kick this little guy's ass. I mean I don't go to the gym as often but I am confident in my rage. A couple of facts about me;

• I was once upset because a police report said I was average build and not ripped.


• I used to have a goal of bench pressing 225 pounds 10 times. I figured if I could do that I could beat up my choice of people. When I was finally able to do it, I was too tired to fight.

Now full of hurt feelings and rage I am going to have to start hitting the gym big time so people are afraid of me. Thanks work for stirring the fire.

The next police report with my name on it is going to say I am huge and ripped.


*Last known photo of me when I was in shape.(Prison Build)

I can't spell

It is a little known fact that I have the spelling ability of an inner city youth who had my mom as a teacher. My mom was an inner city school teacher (7th grade Bio). Most people say who cares, that's what spell check is for. Yet somehow my misspellings always get passed the blogger master computer. That is why I need E.T. as a friend. Huh! Well I really want a Speak & Spell which then took my mind on a tangent that made me think of having a pet alien I could drink beer with. I guess I could have said I need Drew Barrymore circa '82 as well. Tangent, tangent, tangent, cosine.

Cursed East Coast Feed

I am sick of the east coast being three hours ahead of the west coast. Every Thursday while I am having a nice candlelit dinner with my stuffed animals, I get a text from guest blogger Jake quoting that night's 30 Rock. He insists on ruining it for me week after week. Of course I could ignore his texts but that brings us to another topic, my new iPhone. I don't think I have ever loved anything more (will talk about that later). So my only solution is I either need time to fold in on itself so 30 Rock airs at the same time on both coasts or I need Jake to drop dead. Which ever comes first is fine.

Please welcome Jhen to the internet

[Not guest-blogged by Jhen]

My friend Jhen wrote a post about losing weight but sadly I feel her eating skills far outweigh her writing abilities. It might be a language issue. I think she is Puerto Rican. Is it okay to call her that? In any event I have decided to post this picture I found of her instead.

Popomatic Brain Bubble

I am a living, breathing popomatic dice bubble, just like the one that came with the game Trouble. You push down, the dice roll, and you move ahead. Except in my case, you push down, the dice roll, and I have a seizure. I guess I am trying to describe my blogging style. You know the dice represents words in my head. You push down (squeeze my brain like a kegel), get a word combo and the post writes itself. After writing it out, it has lost all humor.

Barack takes office

I am not sure if anyone is aware of this, but I think a black man just took the office of the presidency. For now lets assume it was by force. Either way I am going to call my local police department and find out exactly what is going on. As a citizen I need to get to the bottom of this.

Sorry - African American.

Key Peter Brady singing "It's a time for change"

Nobody puts baby in a coffin

Just practicing some of my titles for Patrick Swayze's obituary. I am just kidding. I love Mr. Swayze and am glad he is doing better. Now if we can just get him to make another Road House!

New Header

I just wanted to thank my good friend Andy Frank for taking the time to design my new header. It wasn't easy for him to do considering he lives in a windowless attic and modern computers won't be invented for another 30 years. Now if I can get him to do a whole branding for my site before the Nazis discover his where abouts I am golden.

There can be only one….Baldwin

[guest blogged by Jake]
Not many people know this, but Highlander was a documentary. Of course it doesn’t look that way, with the camera angles and the fact that “Viking” from Bad Boys was in it, but it’s a true story, and there are in fact real “immortals” living, and doing battle among us. While most relish their anonymity, preferring to wander earth and time alone, there exists one clan, originally from Massapequa, Long Island, who have chosen to wage their epic battle in public – the Baldwins.

If you recall, at one time there were four Baldwins; Alec, Daniel, Steven, and William. They roamed Hollywood without fear or talent, for their immortal powers made them impervious to perils and concerns of average mortal actors. They starred in crappy movies like “Bio-Dome” and “Backdraft”, getting by on their slightly above average looks and exceptional chest hair. Then, as studios began to require higher and higher box office returns, and Hollywood became more competitive, the types of roles that could pay for coke and Kim Bassinger dried up, the Baldwins were brought together like African gazelles to a slowly evaporating watering hole in order to compete for scarcer and scarcer resources. Now as everyone knows, immortals of the Highlander variety experience a great deal of physical pain when they’re in close proximity to one another (this is why the Baldwins never have family reunions and are quick to alienate themselves from their young). Since the only way to stop the pain of being a Highlander is to decapitate the other Highlander and absorb their powers, the Baldwins have been locked in a vicious blood-feud for all eternity. With each encounter between Baldwins, one was dispatched, and the other grows stronger (and coincidentally fatter). Now, after eons of battle, and years of crappy movies, one Baldwin stands victorious. At last, the Gathering….

Finally opening my heart

Allowing others to write for my blog has been one of the toughest things I have ever done. I have opened myself in ways that I didn't think were possible. For me to trust another human being with something so important is just so meaningful. I know you can't see it, but I am crying. The special bond I now have with my new contributor (Randy Sexer) is magical. Everyone, please take the time to welcome Randy into your hearts as you did me all those years ago when this blog was nothing more than a newspaper I delivered on my Ross bicycle.

* Secret plan - to build the Voltron of blogs

Do you want to be part of my lion robot machine? If so email me!

Breaking News - James Caan R.I.P.

You were great on Fantasy island but I will always remember you as Kirk's greatest advesary. When your henchmen put the indigenous, mind-controlling eels in Chekov and Terrell's ears, I was one scared seven year old. You will be missed.


May or may not be a picture of the actor who died today.

You can't fire what you can't catch

Today there were layoffs at my company. My sixth sense told me to work from home. Naturally, I got the idea from George Castanza. George knows his girlfriend wants to end it and as a way stop it from happening he just avoids her. I figure between working at home and lots of crouching at my desk, I should be able make it to 2010 no problem.

I feel for Mounir Margoum

The poor guy is always getting yelled at by Yigal Naor. I think he's getting typecast.

Never going to New Jersey again

I just discovered that Baskin Robbins has a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup sundae that is exactly the same as Friendly's (only on the east coast). For all these years I couldn't go to the peanut butter sauce so now the peanut butter sauce has come to me. It is like a scene from Scarface. I just shed a tear.

New Contributor and Cameron Diaz

I have officially opened the blog to allow a select few to post their thoughts. On another note I was pulled over on my bicycle today for running a stop sign. The cop let me go with a warning because I didn't have any ID on me. Note to self - never carry license when I want to break the law. Oh yeah and while on my bicycle I am 82.3% positive I saw Cameron Diaz crossing the street in Santa Monica. Beat that!