Wizard of Oz Dream - stretch of a title

I had a dream last night that I was in training to learn how to use some sort of reporting system at work. Damn it was boring. Weird thing about the dream was that there were co-workers from all my past jobs in the training. I think there was even a fellow cashier from CVS there. If that wasn't strange enough, Nicole Kidman was also in the class. I said, "Why the hell are you here? You have an Oscar!" She got all offended. The nerve of some people. Later in the dream I peed myself. Did I mention I wasn't wearing pants in the dream?

Foot Menopause

I have been getting these hot flashes in my left foot for the last week and the only explanation I can come up with is my foot is going through the change. Actually according to web MD I might have some neurological disorder or some sort of nerve damage. Is that the same thing? Either way in my research I did find this: Hot Foot. Yes, I did a search on hot foot.

So I guess if I was a Mets fan I would have that going for me.

Timbuktu

I just finished a book about a dog that kills himself. What kind of a mood do you think I am in?

Like Peanut Butter and Jelly - we go together

Randy - I've had the Footloose song in my head all day. If this doesn't stop I will commit suicide
Barry - Better than having a vision of Kevin Bacon's cock from Wild Things
Randy - True story: When that movie came out this chick I was dating called me late at night, waking me up, to tell me she just saw Kevin Bacon's dick in a movie. I broke up with her and went back to sleep. Its a shame too because she was fine.
Barry - Did you break up with her for waking you or for seeing Kevin Bacon's dick?
Randy - Because I was jealous
Barry - Because you wanted to see his dick or because she saw another man's dick?
Randy - Can't remember

Conjunction Junction, What's Your Function!

I would hardly say I'm a connoisseur of fine music. Unless you think Britney Spears' "Hit Me One More time" is classic rock. Pretty much if it's on the radio and Ryan Seacrest is introducing it, I have listened to it intently. Maybe it isn't that bad. To the point, I had the opportunity to see a Jazz quartet perform the other night and I must say I really enjoyed it. It was Jack Sheldon and his band. For those of you who don't know or care about Jazz, I will let you in on an interesting fact about Jack Sheldon. He was the voice behind "Conjunction Junction, What's Your Function" and "I Am Just a Bill on Capitol Hill." Oh yeah, and he played the trumpet on the Merv Griffin show. If seeing the greatest performer that was on during commercials while watching the Smurfs in 1982 isn't cool, I don't know what is. Another interesting fact about Jack Sheldon is that he has had terrible tragedies in his life yet is one of the most talented musicians I have ever seen. I think two of his kids died or was it that he was a coke head? Don't quote me on anything, ever but it does bring up some other scientific research I have been doing. See chart below:

Jack Sheldon performs every Wednesday night at Charlie O's in the Valley. I recommend getting there early, having a couple of drinks, and watching him between sets, tell the old women in the audience they have nice tits. My new hero.

Typical Father

One minute you are enjoying bagels with them, the next they are beating you. My father was just like that. Don't get all upset that I am speaking badly about my deceased father. I just mean he liked to dress up like Batman, that's all.

The letter X

Today's program has been brought to you by the letter X, like in the word anXiety. Can you say anXiety? I know I can.

Trying to help a friend

What would you think of a person if you found out the local liquor store knew them on a first name basis?

What would you think of the same person if the reason happened to not be because they bought a ton of booze but candy?

You know who you are. You need help. Diabetes is just as serious as Cirrhosis.

Apology to Randy Sexer

I have to apologize to my good friend Randy this morning. He put up a great post last night about why he hated people that believed in God. He even took the time to pick the three religions he hated the most (Muslims, Christians, and Jews). Wait there is more. He added pictures of Kirk Cameron, a suicide bomber, and Sasha Baron Cohen. I feel kind of bad because I pulled it down. It was beyond funny but I have this fear of having to go into hiding because I mocked the plight of the Muslims. Randy gets to hide behind a fake name but stupidly I put up a picture of myself.

So for now I am going to keep this blog to only making fun of Latins, Jews, Gays, and Blacks. Pretty much anyone who won't blow me up while I am shopping in a farmer's market.

Sorry Randy. I am a big puss.

Science

I bet you didn't know that you can correlate depression to comedy. The more depressed you are, the funnier you will be. Just look at the chart below. Pure science. You will notice there is a slight dip in comedy level when you start to get really depressed, but once you cross the valley and accept your depression you will start to be funny again. If you don't believe me, look at some of the funniest comedians that ever lived. Look at Rodney Dangerfield. He suffered through crazy depression yet he made me laugh.

*This chart does not take into account the effects of anxiety or one's height on how funny a person is. Please see chart 6.5.42.2 for that information.

Can I kick your ass?

So yesterday I parked in some art director's favorite spot and the office got in a discussion on whether or not I could take this guy in a fight. I was sadly disappointed to find out people weren't sure. There was a time in my life that this would have crushed my spirit. Thankfully my spirit has been crushed by other things. Seriously I am kind of pissed. Of course I can kick this little guy's ass. I mean I don't go to the gym as often but I am confident in my rage. A couple of facts about me;

• I was once upset because a police report said I was average build and not ripped.


• I used to have a goal of bench pressing 225 pounds 10 times. I figured if I could do that I could beat up my choice of people. When I was finally able to do it, I was too tired to fight.

Now full of hurt feelings and rage I am going to have to start hitting the gym big time so people are afraid of me. Thanks work for stirring the fire.

The next police report with my name on it is going to say I am huge and ripped.


*Last known photo of me when I was in shape.(Prison Build)

I can't spell

It is a little known fact that I have the spelling ability of an inner city youth who had my mom as a teacher. My mom was an inner city school teacher (7th grade Bio). Most people say who cares, that's what spell check is for. Yet somehow my misspellings always get passed the blogger master computer. That is why I need E.T. as a friend. Huh! Well I really want a Speak & Spell which then took my mind on a tangent that made me think of having a pet alien I could drink beer with. I guess I could have said I need Drew Barrymore circa '82 as well. Tangent, tangent, tangent, cosine.

Cursed East Coast Feed

I am sick of the east coast being three hours ahead of the west coast. Every Thursday while I am having a nice candlelit dinner with my stuffed animals, I get a text from guest blogger Jake quoting that night's 30 Rock. He insists on ruining it for me week after week. Of course I could ignore his texts but that brings us to another topic, my new iPhone. I don't think I have ever loved anything more (will talk about that later). So my only solution is I either need time to fold in on itself so 30 Rock airs at the same time on both coasts or I need Jake to drop dead. Which ever comes first is fine.

Please welcome Jhen to the internet

[Not guest-blogged by Jhen]

My friend Jhen wrote a post about losing weight but sadly I feel her eating skills far outweigh her writing abilities. It might be a language issue. I think she is Puerto Rican. Is it okay to call her that? In any event I have decided to post this picture I found of her instead.

Popomatic Brain Bubble

I am a living, breathing popomatic dice bubble, just like the one that came with the game Trouble. You push down, the dice roll, and you move ahead. Except in my case, you push down, the dice roll, and I have a seizure. I guess I am trying to describe my blogging style. You know the dice represents words in my head. You push down (squeeze my brain like a kegel), get a word combo and the post writes itself. After writing it out, it has lost all humor.

Barack takes office

I am not sure if anyone is aware of this, but I think a black man just took the office of the presidency. For now lets assume it was by force. Either way I am going to call my local police department and find out exactly what is going on. As a citizen I need to get to the bottom of this.

Sorry - African American.

Key Peter Brady singing "It's a time for change"

Nobody puts baby in a coffin

Just practicing some of my titles for Patrick Swayze's obituary. I am just kidding. I love Mr. Swayze and am glad he is doing better. Now if we can just get him to make another Road House!

New Header

I just wanted to thank my good friend Andy Frank for taking the time to design my new header. It wasn't easy for him to do considering he lives in a windowless attic and modern computers won't be invented for another 30 years. Now if I can get him to do a whole branding for my site before the Nazis discover his where abouts I am golden.

There can be only one….Baldwin

[guest blogged by Jake]
Not many people know this, but Highlander was a documentary. Of course it doesn’t look that way, with the camera angles and the fact that “Viking” from Bad Boys was in it, but it’s a true story, and there are in fact real “immortals” living, and doing battle among us. While most relish their anonymity, preferring to wander earth and time alone, there exists one clan, originally from Massapequa, Long Island, who have chosen to wage their epic battle in public – the Baldwins.

If you recall, at one time there were four Baldwins; Alec, Daniel, Steven, and William. They roamed Hollywood without fear or talent, for their immortal powers made them impervious to perils and concerns of average mortal actors. They starred in crappy movies like “Bio-Dome” and “Backdraft”, getting by on their slightly above average looks and exceptional chest hair. Then, as studios began to require higher and higher box office returns, and Hollywood became more competitive, the types of roles that could pay for coke and Kim Bassinger dried up, the Baldwins were brought together like African gazelles to a slowly evaporating watering hole in order to compete for scarcer and scarcer resources. Now as everyone knows, immortals of the Highlander variety experience a great deal of physical pain when they’re in close proximity to one another (this is why the Baldwins never have family reunions and are quick to alienate themselves from their young). Since the only way to stop the pain of being a Highlander is to decapitate the other Highlander and absorb their powers, the Baldwins have been locked in a vicious blood-feud for all eternity. With each encounter between Baldwins, one was dispatched, and the other grows stronger (and coincidentally fatter). Now, after eons of battle, and years of crappy movies, one Baldwin stands victorious. At last, the Gathering….

Finally opening my heart

Allowing others to write for my blog has been one of the toughest things I have ever done. I have opened myself in ways that I didn't think were possible. For me to trust another human being with something so important is just so meaningful. I know you can't see it, but I am crying. The special bond I now have with my new contributor (Randy Sexer) is magical. Everyone, please take the time to welcome Randy into your hearts as you did me all those years ago when this blog was nothing more than a newspaper I delivered on my Ross bicycle.

* Secret plan - to build the Voltron of blogs

Do you want to be part of my lion robot machine? If so email me!

Breaking News - James Caan R.I.P.

You were great on Fantasy island but I will always remember you as Kirk's greatest advesary. When your henchmen put the indigenous, mind-controlling eels in Chekov and Terrell's ears, I was one scared seven year old. You will be missed.


May or may not be a picture of the actor who died today.

You can't fire what you can't catch

Today there were layoffs at my company. My sixth sense told me to work from home. Naturally, I got the idea from George Castanza. George knows his girlfriend wants to end it and as a way stop it from happening he just avoids her. I figure between working at home and lots of crouching at my desk, I should be able make it to 2010 no problem.

I feel for Mounir Margoum

The poor guy is always getting yelled at by Yigal Naor. I think he's getting typecast.

Never going to New Jersey again

I just discovered that Baskin Robbins has a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup sundae that is exactly the same as Friendly's (only on the east coast). For all these years I couldn't go to the peanut butter sauce so now the peanut butter sauce has come to me. It is like a scene from Scarface. I just shed a tear.

New Contributor and Cameron Diaz

I have officially opened the blog to allow a select few to post their thoughts. On another note I was pulled over on my bicycle today for running a stop sign. The cop let me go with a warning because I didn't have any ID on me. Note to self - never carry license when I want to break the law. Oh yeah and while on my bicycle I am 82.3% positive I saw Cameron Diaz crossing the street in Santa Monica. Beat that!

Ugg Boots available in all sizes

Someone has taken my good name and sullied it. I was contacted today by the ebay police. A computer mastermind has hacked my account and is selling Ugg boots at discount prices using my credentials. I don't understand how this is possible. How can someone log into my account without knowing my password? Did they figure it out using some advanced scientific algorithm? I only know one machine capable of cracking such a hard code. God, please let me be wrong. Please let there be another.

Marley and Me was shit

Don't ask me why I saw Marley and me. I have no good reason. I walked in really hoping for something similar to C.H.O.M.P.S. I was sorely disappointed. There was no robot dog*. There was no villain. Hell, I don't even think there was a script. I will give the movie credit for one thing though. I am now more determined than ever to make sure my dog lives forever. Science be damned.



*I am not 100% sure that Owen Wilson's nose was not played by a robot dog.

New Year's Resolution!

This is the year I have decided to live Fast and Furious. Obviously I am talking about the movie. My tag line for the year is new year, original parts. Actually the goal for the year is for me to be as much like Vin Diesel as humanly possible.

Vacation Jean Shorts

I am about to take a week off. During that time I will be constructing the perfect pair of jean shorts (pics to follow). Since it is the holidays I see no reason why I can't tell you how to make your very own pair. This way when I am done we can compare.

Take one pair of very worn jeans, preferably a pair that have a hole in the genital region.
Use sharp scissors to cut the legs off. The shorter the better.
Now here is the tricky part, after you cut them make sure you cut them again. I know you think you cut them short, but I cannot emphasize enough that you must make them shorter. A good measure would be that the pockets should hang lower than the jean material.
Once your cutting is complete, you must wash and dry the shorts no less than 15 times. This will give you the perfect fringe.

Now put those puppies on and rock out. Remember good jean shorts are like a fine wine. They get better with age.

Enjoy your holidays!

Thinking of going legit

I am contemplating classing up the joint by buying the url - www.barryrides.com. Maybe get some professionals to make this look like a real operation. Maybe add some curtains when you get to the site. Maybe a sweet sofa in the corner. I will put it next to the fully stocked bar. I have no idea what I am talking about.

Coming soon www.barryrides.com

Slim Good Body - Part 4

Ring, ring went the desk phone. The caller id flashed Slim Good Body . . . I will assume incorporated or productions was cut off on my screen. Then again how cool would be if that was Slim's given name. Oh to be Mrs. Slim Good Body. Okay, enough dreaming. To the point, I don't think my bike costume idea is ever going to get off the ground. Slim doesn't want shorts to be made or pants for that matter. All he would agree to was a long sleeve jersey. What good is showing your intestines if you don't see where they empty out? I may still do it, but I am kind of let down right now. I might have to go with my back up plan and have a Jimmy "Dynamite" Evans costume made.

Pelé scores!!!!

I went to my first ever NHL game (LA Kings) last night. My neighbor has season tickets and decided it would be a good opportunity to try and make me play tonsil hockey with his penis. I am kidding. His sexuality has never been in question. I just really wanted to incorporate the term tonsil hockey into this post. For now I will say I appreciate the fact that he took me to watch a sport that is almost as popular as Soccer. Dare I say it, I had a good time. Let's review why:

Beer at game - plus
Nate & Al's corned beef sandwich available at the Staples center, pleasantly surprised - plus
Multiple Fights between players at game - plus
Some sort of girl cheerleader squad that cleans the ice with shovels - double plus
Guy performing hat trick - ehh, not impressed, but we can put it on the plus side

My only real issue with the game was that there seemed to be a lot of Jews in the stands. I am not sure who is scanning tickets but I plan to get to the bottom of it.
*might have been my reflection in the ice.



And finally the conversation I had with my brother before leaving for the game:
Barry(2:44:21 PM): I am actually going to the kings gaame tonight with my neighbor
Lewis (2:44:38 PM): I'm going to see the cosmos play at the meadowlands tonight
Lewis (2:46:30 PM): Hockey. why don't go see jai lai
Barry (2:48:05 PM): that would be awesome

Greatest Lotto Idea Ever - Cannonball

For a long time I had only one plan for when I won the lottery. That plan was to see which one of my friends would eat a deuce for a million bucks. This conversation has gone on for years. What would the consistency of the poop be? Could I cook it? Do I have to eat the whole thing? Is it human?

I have decided I have a better idea. Let me introduce you to my greatest plan ever.
Barry's Cannonball Run 1985.

It is a race across America for a million of my hard earned lotto dollars.
Here are the rules:
*Only my friends can enter
*Your car can not be newer than 1985
*Cars must be stock or have no modifications that weren't available in 1985.
*No GPS,no cell phones
*Everyone must have a CB
*No two entrees can have the same car
*Race leaves from the Fireplace in Paramus NJ on a day of my choosing
*You must eat a steak sandwich before leaving the Fireplace parking lot
*Fastest one to the Crowne Plaza in Redondo Beach is the winner
*Winner gets a million bucks, which I will pay them in pennies

Fine print:
I am not liable for anything. This includes death, dismemberment, loss of job, etc.

Awesomest Dream Ever

Last night I dreamt I could fly. What did I do with my amazing new power you ask? Well I flew over to the U.K. for a tour of the Land Rover Defender plant. Sadly, as I was walking around the grounds a mountain lion mauled me. I cried while screaming, "Get it off, get it off, get it off!" Looks like it is going to be another awesome day!

Razor blades found in Fruit Cake?

It seems every company is canceling their annual Christmas party because of the failing economy. Is the economy really that bad or is it Halloween 1985 all over again? I still remember my mom not letting me trick or treat because she was sure, without a doubt that I would be the one kid to die from a needle in a Reggie bar.

I am still bitter.

R.I.P. Jake 1974 - 2008

It is with regret that I am posting about the passing of Jacob Kono. Earlier today I realized I lost him to Facebook. He held out for as long as he could. Constantly mocking the people on it. Laughing as his sister updated her mood to 'giddy'. Sadly though he was stricken with boredom which led to a full blown AIDs Facebook addiction. I will pray for his soul.



**It's been a slow day.

I Curse Andy Samberg

I hate that I love this. I hate more that it is damn funny. I hate more that I came in my pants watching it.

Slim Good Body - Part 3

Email I received from Slim himself:

Hi Barry:

Thanks for the email. I actually have a design and manufacturer who can produce a copy. Call me and we can talk about this –

John
John Burstein
Slim Goodbody Corp.


I am kind of scared to call.

I need a home!

Meet Wally!!!!

Wally is a four year old welsh terrier that needs a home.

Wally's mom died and her final wish was that her son would care for him. Like any good son, the moment his mother was in the ground, he decided to give Wally away. If you are less of a douche than this guy, then Wally is the dog for you. He is happy, healthy, super sweet, gets along with other dogs, loves children, knows arithmetic, etc, etc. Other than being slightly overweight he has no issues. I think Wally's mom was one of those people that showed her love through food. In other words the best type of person there is.

If you are looking for a an awesome dog then leave me a note in the comments section and I will make it happen. I have the power to give you a friend who will judge you less than I do.

Slim Good Body - Part 2

My plan is coming together.

I just sent this email to Slim:

Dear Mr. Good Body,

I remember being a little kid in '70s and loving your show. One of my classmates claims you came to our school. I wish I remembered it. (Ann Blanche Smith School, Hillsdale NJ)

I am writing you because I have a question about the suit. I am an avid road cyclist and I want to make a bicycling outfit that matches the slim good body design.

http://www.uplandsg.com/capoforma_custom/index.htm

I would need to make at least 35 to meet most manufacturer minimums. I know the design has to be copyrighted, but I was wondering if we could have access to the design if the outfits obviously advertise the slim good body company and if the purchasers make a charitable donation. Perhaps Slim Good Body would like to sponsor a bike club? It would be nice to get the name out there with a fitness activity that benefits the whole body.

Any help would be great. Thanks

Barry

You seem pretty upbeat

Ten Minutes ago:

Barry: I was thinking about you this morning. I have to commend you on your good attitude toward life.
Co-worker: In what context were you thinking about me?
Barry: It was nothing special. I had a belt around my neck while I was jerking off.

Guess the co-worker?

**Tomorrow I am bringing back posts detailing my dreams! Tonight I plan to eat a pound of sugar before bed. Stay tuned.

Live and Die by my posts

My brother just told me that you live or die by how many posts you do so I am contemplating opening up the blog to a couple of guest writers. Give them the keys to the kingdom so to speak.
There is my friend Jake who I would like to write about how being born to a woman in prison shaped everything that has happened to him since. Sort of like the butterfly effect, but with less Ashton Kutcher, but just as much douche. My brother could be another guest writer. He can write about how his lack of cleanliness has caused him to judge the moral fiber of others. After those two I really don't have anyone in mind. For that matter can I trust either of them? Sounds like I would have to do some proof reading. Screw that.

Three posts today!!!

Thanksgiving 2008 - 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 reasons it sucked

Don't call me a cynic.

Reason #1: Went out for the feast this year. Food sucked. Who serves turkey without the skin?

Reason #2: Saw Four Christmases. How many movies can the corpse of Vince Vaughn make before full rigor mortis sets in?

Reason #3: Rented Tropic Thunder and Hancock. There is no god.

Reason #4: I tried to make up for reason #1 by ordering a hot turkey dinner in a local diner. "Sorry sir, we are out of stuffing" (told to me after the rest of the food was brought out)

Reason #5: I tried to make up for reason #4 by going to the Ritz Carlton for brunch on Sunday. "Sorry sir, due to the recession, the brunch buffet has been canceled."

Slim Good Body

I want to make a bike costume (spandex road bicyclists wear) in the Slim Good Body design.

Thoughts?

Turn this:


Into this:


Maybe even a helmet that looks like a Jew fro.

Old People

I am walking Monkey (the dog) down the street as an elderly couple approaches holding hands. It was like one of those commercials for a Diamond is Forever. As they get close I catch a bit of the conversation:

Elderly Man: When I was a boy my mom would make spaghetti with meat sauce, sometimes she even made sloppy joes.
Elderly Woman: What a cute dog!

The couple release their hands to walk around me and said dog. As the couple separates, the woman lets out a thunderous fart. Nothing more is said. They re-embrace as they pass me.

A fart is forever!

If it bleeds, we can kill it

So I am sitting at the bar at Mozza when I look over and see Sanaa Lathan sitting right next to my brother. For those who don't know, Sanaa was in one of the greatest movies of all time, Alien Vs. Predator. After a few awkward moments of staring, I was sure enough to let my brother in on my vast useless knowledge. Without missing a beat, he asks Sanaa if she was indeed in the movie. Once she confirmed her identity the conversation took a weird turn. Instead of talking about how she became good friends with the predator, Scar, and saved the earth, we talked about what restaurants to visit in LA. Nishimura was at the top of my list.

**My one regret is not commending her on her performance as an organ stealer married to Larry Hagman on Nip/Tuck. Maybe next time.

New Interesting Facts

I would never bang a hooker because I would think the whole transaction would be patronizing.

I had a dream that Christie Brinkley was Jennifer Lopez's mother

My brother is in the process of writing the Holocaust Two - the Musical

I gave a friend career advice yesterday that worked.

I really want a drill press

Writing lists like this makes me a super douche.

Economy Worsens - No more Korean Facials

Korean Facials has to be a porn title. Let me look. I cheated and typed Korean Facial Porn into google to get these amazing results. Sadly, I am not talking about that kind of facial. I am talking about the kind where I go to old town Torrance and have a Jehovah's Witness rub my face while telling me that the males of all species are better looking than the females. The Peacock was the example that proved her hypothesis.

I am one handsome Peacock. Watch me strut.
Picture taken while I was compromised!

Observation with regards to the economy

There was a homeless man eating a container of peanut butter outside my local supermarket last night. What's odd about that, you ask? He was dressed in the following:
Magnum P.I. short shorts
Torn Huarache Sandals
Navy Blazer with gold buttons

The best part is I caught a bit of his conversation with what I can only assume used to be the president of Cannon Films.

"I would have been gay for Robert Conrad from The Wild Wild West show. He was a handsome man."

Awesome!

Neurosis - One man's struggle with a permanent marker

As the day went on the paranoia about a heart attack became acute. I drew a line on my arm. I figured if the bruise/clot made it that far, death was imminent. Alas the bruise never moved. Maybe next time.

Fear of pleated pants and blood clots

It has been a rough week for my company. There was a layoff and I honestly can say I don't wish being jobless on anyone right now. By anyone I am really referring to myself. Whereas some people with OCD have an insane fear of prison I have an insane fear of going to work at some big corporation. Can you picture the horror? I am wearing tan pleated dockers with a sweet cuff. Just to finish the pants off we will say they are an inch too short. I go to sleep dreaming that the following morning I will wake up working IT in some cube surrounded by Patels. No offense my Indian brothers. I must do everything in my power to make sure that never happens.


Oh and I have a weird bruise on my left arm this morning. Fear of a heart attack is also in the cards for the day. Happy Friday!!

The George Costanza Conundrum

Dear George

I have a friend that I always break plans with. Tomorrow I am supposed to go with him somewhere but I seriously want to cancel. It has nothing to do with him. I just don't feel like going. I know he is waiting for the call where I say, "I am OUT!!!" So the question is do I go to prove him wrong.

Sincerely,
Barry - a flakey friend

Dear Barry,

This reminds me of the time I was desperately trying to get out of a relationship but I refused to break up with the girl just to prove her and her friends wrong about me. They kept telling her, he won't commit, he will break your heart, blah, blah, blah. They were right, but do you think I was going to let them know that. I stayed in that relationship until the whole episode was over. Was it because I loved her? No! Was it because I was paid a boat load of cash to be on a hit sitcom? No! I stayed in that relationship purely out of spite for her and her friends.

In closing, Barry, don't tell your friend you don't want to go. Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing what kind of person you are. Instead make being around you soo miserable that he will bail on you. This way he is the bad guy.

Sincerely,
George - It isn't a lie if you believe it is true.

Last Chance to Vote!

Do you really want to tell him you didn't vote!!



Barack and McCain will clearly be sent to the Phantom Zone!!!

Shopping at the drug store

You would think there would have been at least one guy with his collar up in this aisle.

*Picture taken in Rite-Aid

Be my black girlfriend

I don't think Chocolate News is as funny as The Chapelle Show. Is it wrong to compare the two just because they both are on Comedy Central and have Black stars?



*David Alan Grier you will always have a place in my crispity crunchity butterfinger heart.

Lazy Writing

My writing style has gotten a bit lazy lately. Its like I sat on my hand, waited for it to fall asleep then started typing. Oh wait, I am thinking of something else I like to do. Today much to by chagrin, I was called out on my lack of enthusiasm for the written word. I was told at the very least I could pretend to care by proof reading. I swear to do a better job pretending to care in the future.

Useless Facts

I have decided to start an ongoing segment where people can learn useless facts about me. It will be broken into seventy-three sections with eleven sub parts. I am joking. I am sure I will give up after writing this one. Here we go:

I hate rust but I like patina - Dumbest fact ever
I love butterscotch pudding - preferably hot
I have serious ADD - self diagnosed
Smell is my favorite sense - see butterscotch pudding fact
Poop jokes never get old - It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - Who Pooped the Bed? Season 4 Episode 7
I wish women gave birth to puppies instead of babies - no need to explain.

That's it for now.

My life explained!

I know for a fact my mom didn't breast feed me.

Breast-Fed Baby May Mean Better Behaved Child

Favorite line in the article:

And the likelihood of mental health issues decreased in proportion to the duration of breast-feeding, meaning that a child who had been breast-fed for a year was less likely to have behavior problems than a child who had been breast-fed for just two months.

Donut Man

I drove 50 miles one way this weekend to eat a donut. I really don't see that as a problem. I ordered four, took a bite out of each and threw the rest away. It felt like that episode of Three's Company where the food critic comes to Jack's restaurant, takes a bite of food and leaves. The only difference was no one working there cared that I didn't finish my food. That and the fact I was screaming "DON'T JUDGE ME", while waiving my sugary hands at the guy behind the counter.

One bite of Rasberry
One bite of Bavarian
One bite of a Cream Cheese (better in theory)
One bite of powdered sugar

Donut Man, it's good, but personally I'm a Randy's kind of guy.

Thirty Years ago I cried like a girl

When I was a toddler my mom took me to see Watership Down. I sort of remember seeing some rabbits and blood before the tears blocked my vision and my mom asked the 15 year old behind the counter for her money back. Rabbits aren't supposed to hurt each other. It's been thirty years and I still don't think I could make it through the movie.

Oh the horror!

So Ridiculous

Thanks Colleen for helping me love myself almost as much as you do; love yourself that is.

Video

Mickey Mouse Hands

I have been told over the years that I have large hands. Well large hands would have been a compliment. I have been told that I have the following:
*French Toast Stick fingers
*Fish Stick Fingers
*Sausage Link fingers
*Smooth Down Syndrome Hands (no lines)
*Fat Fingers

and the best, by my girlfriend's mother, Mickey Mouse hands. Look what she sent me for my birthday.

Me typing this post



Sadly they are quite comfortable.

I sent a man to death on my birthday

Today I turned 33 years old. It feels like yesterday that I was lying on my bedroom floor playing with a couple of gijoe figures. Oh wait, it was yesterday. People have been asking me all day what I was doing for the big day. Was I going anywhere special, blah, blah, blah. Beat this, today I had jury duty. What better gift could a person ask for than deciding the fate of another human being? I sat patiently all day waiting to be chosen. I was hoping my case would be settled in the alley behind the courthouse. There would be sub-titles, me dressed as some sort of shogun, and with the flip of a coin, someone would be put to death by villagers with torches. Alas, all that happened was, I ate a egg and cheese sandwich and fell asleep in the back of the jury waiting room. Next time!

Calisthenics

In six or seven years I will be the model of fitness.