Two Scoops

The other night I went to Mashti Malone's for some ice cream. If I had to pick a place for the best ice cream in Los Angeles this would be it hands down, but that really isn't the point of my story. The ice cream parlor is in what I would call a questionable neighborhood. Due to prostitution activity in the area you are not allowed to park on the local side streets. With this in mind I knew that if I didn't get a spot in the Mashti designated area, I might be denied my peanut butter cup goodness. I pulled into the lot with Sarah and Monkey in tow and as luck would have it the only spot available was designated for the liquor store next door. I decided to ask the liquor store manager quite politely if he wouldn't mind terribly if I parked in his spot for a few moments while I ran in to get my delicious dessert. He begrudgingly gave me permission, so we parked, left Monkey in the backseat and off we went for sugar cones. Did I mention I love this place?

After a few moments of deciding on one scoop or two (heart attack or stroke), I found myself enjoying my cone while looking out the window. Not more than 30 seconds go by (three licks, tops), before an older Chevy Blazer comes flying into the parking lot, smoke billowing from the windows, spare tire chained to the roof, and driver clearly intoxicated. As he comes to a complete stop in front of my car, what might have been the entire Los Angeles police department has entered the lot. Before I know it, guns are drawn, the driver of the Blazer is laying face down in front of my car before being carried off in cuffs. After I was 90% sure that all guns were reholstered, I walked outside to see what was going on. I was slightly freaked out that while the police were screaming "on the ground" my dog never bothered sticking his head out the window to see what was going on. Hell, he didn't even wake up. Apparently the driver of the Blazer ran over a pedestrian a few blocks away and figured pulling in for an ice cream was the next logical step to his evening. As I stood there thinking how lucky I was that I had gotten into the lot before the cops blocked the entrance, things took a turn for the worse. Someone in the parking lot told me the Blazer clipped the front of my car before coming to a stop. Once again why didn't the dog wake up? Thankfully there was no damage to the dog or the car but I did give the police my info just in case. Right before I left, the liquor store manager came out and said, "I told you not to park in my spot." I love Los Angeles.
The dog in question

Progress

My mom has been down in the dumps lately. Something about her children being a huge disappointment. Not really sure. I wasn't listening. I did catch her say that she went and saw a therapist today. I asked her how it was hoping that some blame could be shifted. All she had to say was the parking lot was hard to get into. I think we are getting somewhere.

I need your help

Charity - voluntary giving of money or other help to those in need.

I am in desperate need of your help. I have entered the Gumball 3000. If my application gets accepted I will have to come up with 60,000 Pounds Sterling to have the best time of my life. You might ask how this affects you? Well I am glad you asked. If you sponsor me, you will get to vicariously live through me. You will do this by reading about my Chinese adventures on this very blog. I promise to post photos as well. All I ask of you is that you make a small donation to me via paypal. It can be anything from .01 to 60,000 Pounds Sterling. Wait, wait, what if I don't raise enough money to race? I am glad you asked that too. If I don't get enough money, I will take whatever I collected and give it to a local charity. Think about it. Won't you help me help you see me have a good time.

My paypal account is my email address. Please make a donation now. Operators are standing by.

Check out the Gumball site. Don't let me get any older without having this experience.

I'm alright, nobody worry bout me

Last night I had the pleasure of having dinner at a local country club. I will try to describe the night in detail, but in order to set the mood, I would like you to envision the scene from Caddyshack when the Baby Ruth is thrown into the pool. Feel free to imagine either when the bar is thrown into the pool or when Bill Murray eats it. Either one is appropriate.

I started my evening with a dirty martini in the main dining room. That is what businesspeople do, right? I mean I did put a long day of mergers and acquisitions. I now own 42% of People Express. Once I had a nice buzz going I ordered the grilled elk. I felt very powerful knowing I was eating something that once had antlers. To wash down Bambi I had a mojito and some hot chocolate cake. At this point any sensible person would have gone home, but no, I chose to go swimming instead. I don't want to brag but I did swim a whole lap even with the deer meat weighing me down. After rinsing off in the club locker room I came to the conclusion, being rich would be fun. Watch out, I think I feel a pang of ambition. Nope, it was just gas.

Summer Vacation

I had a friend ask me the other day what I was doing for summer. Well I figure when school lets out I will see if I can get a job at the local market. Maybe pushing carts or bagging groceries. At night I figure I will get a few beers at the local bar with my fake ID, followed by hanging out in the parking lot of 7-11. If things go well and I am able to save a few bucks, I am going to look into backpacking around Europe for a few weeks. Maybe take in Rome. When I get back I will relax on the couch for a few weeks, drinking cokes, while watching soap operas. If there is enough time, and this is a big if, I might drive out to the Poconos to visit the old sleep away camp where I had my first kiss. I am 32 years old. What do you think I am doing for summer? I'm going to work like I do the other ten months of the year. Dumb ass!

Dinner Conversation

I had a few people over for dinner the other night. Highlights of the evening:

1. An 87 year old woman asked me if my neighbor gave me a blowjob when I was telling her a story about the neighbor's dog dying.
2. My 32 year old friend told me his retirement plan consists of a bottle of scotch and a revolver.

There was a third highlight but I can't remember it.

Too much cock, not enough balls - A review of Forgetting Sarah Marshall

I really have nothing to say about the movie. I just wanted to use my clever title for the post. If you see the movie you will know what I am talking about.

Ving Rhames needs to go jail

Well maybe not really, but it would put me one step closer to getting Wesley Snipes and Ving Rhames to act out Undisputed live.

Five bucks to the first person who can name every movie Wesley Snipes has gone to prison in.

Crossing the Line

Throwing out the C word or as I like to say Cunt. I will admit I use the word. My internal filter works about as well as the paper coffee filter in my hotel room brew-a-cup. Did I mention the coffee maker is in the bathroom, exactly one foot away from where I defecate?

So last night I am sitting with some coworkers at another delicious meal out and about in Atlanta when a coworker asks me about a person we both knew at a previous employer. That is when I let the C word fly. I might have gotten a better reaction if I had spit my shrimp scampi in this guy's face. The look of shear terror was amazing. I could watch the guy's face try to mouth the word and not be able to after I said it.

Only twelve hours until we get on a plane together. Sweet!

Crime and Punishment

The Crime: Having a job
The Punishment: A meal at Maggiano's in Atlanta with coworkers

When I was a young boy sitting in front of our Zenith TV that also served as the only piece of furniture in the house that was real wood, I dreamt of one day being an important business man who traveled the world. I was thinking a cross between James Bond and Clint Eastwood from Every Which Way But Loose. Never in my wildest dreams did I see myself sitting at a table with vats of pasta in front of me while coworkers clad in standard issue Banana Republic discussed how good everything was.

During the meal, to hide the tears of failure, I day dreamed about wearing a tuxedo, while my Orangutan took a dump in the rental car, while the wait staff placed bets on whether or not I could take the 700 pound bus boy with a gimp leg.

Keep hope alive!

Big Surprise

What Seinfeld character are you? George Costanza You are Jerry's best friend - even though you are neurotic and slow-witted, he keeps you around to have a `loser of the group`. Life has a funny way of screwing you over at every turn, and your parents are psychotic. And no matter what you do, you`ll never compare to Lloyd Braun.

Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

Worlds Colliding!!

Thanks Colleen

To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women.

Why must people try to out do me? I got the copycat Barryrides coming from one angle and I got John Mayer horning in on my singing career from another. Maybe John Mayer isn't trying to one up me with singing, but he certainly is with Land Rovers. I go to Land Rover driving school and what does he do? He goes and buys a second Defender. No justice no peace!

Retraction - Gay Movie ruins cool tattoo

It seems I have angered a few of my readers with my use of the word "gay" as an adjective. It seems that no matter how I try to explain that I don't mean gay in the homosexual way but more in a lame way it just doesn't make it any better. One reader in particular asked me how I would like it if someone used "jew" as a verb (Example -That guy is trying to "jew" me down.) When I said I don't see the problem, he told me to shut the fuck up. So with that I am on the search for a new word to refer to gay which refers to lame. I am open to suggestions.

Oh yeah and don't even think about trying to use my name as an adjective. It has been done.

* No clue what an adjective or a verb is.

$78,450 to buy it, $240 to destroy it

Over the weekend I did what any good Jew would do during Passover. I went to Land Rover driving school. It was just one of those things. Do I eat a bunch of chopped liver at someone's cedar seder, or do I search for the afikoman in the woods while behind the wheel of a Range Rover? As you can see I chose the latter.





Happy Passover!! More pictures can be found here.

Must see summer movie

Single White Male

I know this guy in LA for about five years now. Over that time I would say we have become good friends. We share many of the same interests. Cars, complaining, eating ,etc. For the most part I would say there is nothing odd about our relationship. Oh wait, did I mention that short of removing my skin he has a knack for trying to be me? It started with clothes. I would buy a sweatshirt, and low and behold, he would buy a sweatshirt. I would begin wearing nothing but Chuck Taylor's and suddenly he would have nothing but Converse as well. But wait, it gets better. It is not enough for him to want to be me, he must also do it in a slightly cheaper way, or as he puts it, "the better value". He came over my home and saw a new Luke Chueh painting I bought and said, "I will get one too, but I will print mine off his website. It will cost pennies compared to yours." He saw that I had a Rolex, and then decided he would build his own out of salvaged Rolex parts. Not sure where he is with that plan. None of this really bothered me until he took it too far. He has now decided he will have his own version of Barry Rides. This means war. You can copy my lack of style, my eating habits, my car, my watch, etc, but you cannot steal my blog.

I have no fear though, that much like a Hong Kong Rolex, everyone will be able to tell the original from the fake.

Check it out:
The Barry Rides 2 March of the Wooden Soldier
The war is on!!!

***Image from Single White Female was for sensationalism only. It is not an additional act of war.

Just a good old boy

I am at a traffic light on Wilshire today when I notice a Confederate Flag in the back window of a pickup truck. I give the truck a once over to see an NRA sticker, and a license plate that says PBR 01 (assuming pabst blue ribbon). I am sitting there laughing to myself, thinking about the red neck that has to be driving the truck. The light changes and I pull along side the guy. To my shock and possible horror, I see that the driver is a black man (is it okay to say black man?), wearing a cowboy hat.

Could it be possible that he didn't know he was black? Has anyone seen Chappelle's Show where Dave Chappelle plays a blind Klans man who doesn't know he is black? Brilliant!!

***Video removed***

That Guy

I just got back from Atlanta. My work trip was uneventful for the most part (travel sucks). On a funny note I sat next to some guy on the flight home that wouldn't shut up. He was "that guy." When I first sat down he immediatly apologized for the moaning he was going to do because his back hurt. I was really hoping it would stop there but no, he had to continue with the pleasantries.
"Hi how are you?"
"What do you do?"
"I work in real estate"
"I have twins"
"blah blah blah"
Anyway this guy keeps talking and then out of nowhere while my coworker is watching Friends on the built in seat tv, he says oh yeah I was on an episode of that. This is the point where I think this guy has a great dry sense of humor. Well anyway I go home and decide to look him up on IMDB. Turns out he was on Friends. I may have to rethink my theory on how everyone is a liar. I still have to wonder how you go from being on tv to sitting in row 40.
Troy Norton

"Now is the bad time"

It is a line my brother loves to quote from Goodfellas. As I sit here in the Crown Plaza hotel lobby in Atlanta, waiting for a business meeting to start, I think about how I would rather spend the next four hours with Tommy Devito/Joe Pesci beating me in the face with a revolver than be here, but alas I need to earn.



Note to self: airline mojitos are a bad idea.

Century Village 2029

In the Year of Darkness, 2029, the rulers of this planet devised the ultimate plan. They would reshape the Future by changing the Past. The plan required something that felt no pity. No pain. No fear. Something unstoppable. They created 'THE TERMINATOR'

I am just kidding. I just got my eyes checked/dilated and you know I couldn't pass up the free terminator glasses. I don't feel a day over seventy.

Shot Clock

My brother mentioned that he has a new friend who likes to read my blog. According to my analysis this new friendship will be over soon. Enjoy it while you can.

Gay movie ruins cool tattoo

I always dreamt that one day I would have the balls to get the Arashikage family crest tattooed on my forearm. It was to be my ultimate tribute to the greatest action figure ever made -Storm Shadow.

Thanks Hollywood for making my dream beyond gay.

Here is a picture from the new GIJOE movie.

Sad, Sad Day

As many of you might already know the creator of the Egg McMuffin died yesterday. If there was ever a person who could be credited with making me the man I am today it was Herb Peterson.

A public memorial service will be held April 23 at All Saints by the Sea church in Montecito.
Details are sketchy but this is what I have heard so far:

Mayor McCheese is said to be working with Constable Big Mac on closing down the streets on the day of the funeral to help ease traffic to and from the cemetery.

Ronald is scheduled to give the eulogy as it is rumored that Birdie the Early Bird is too distraught to even go.

Uncle O'Grimacey and Grimace will play the bagpipes as a tribute.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, Canadian Bacon to Canadian bacon. Time to go to that great Hamburger Patch in the sky.

Stolen Thunder

I want to do this with my Defender:
Roof Tent

Thirty-five and life to live

Thirty five years ago my mother started convincing my brother that at any moment we could be living on the street. With that said and the fact that today is his birthday, I felt rewriting Skid Row's classic 'Eighteen and life to live" in his honor would only be fitting.

Lewis was a young boy
He had a heart of stone
Lived 9 to 5 and worked his
Fingers to the bone

Just barely out of school
Came from the edge of town
Fought like a switchblade
So no one could take him down

He had no money, ooh
No good at home
He walked the streets a soldier
And he fought the world alone
And now it's

Thirty-five and life you got it
Thirty-five and life you know
Your crime is time and it's
Thirty-five and life to go
Thirty-five and life you got it
Thirty-five and life you know
Your crime is time and it's
Thirty-five and life to go

Tequila in his heartbeat
His veins burned gasoline
It kept his motor runnin'
But he never kept it clean

They say he loved adventure
Lewis's the wild on
He married trouble
Had a courtship with a gun

Bang, bang! Shoot 'em up
the party never ends
You can't think of dying
When the bottle's your best friend
And now it's

Thirty-five and life you got it
Thirty-five and life you know
Your crime is time and it's
Thirty-five and life to go
Thirty-five and life you got it
Thirty-five and life you know
Your crime is time and it's
Thirty-five and life to go

"Accidents will happen"
They all heard Ricky say
He fired his six-shot to the wind
That child blew a child away

Thirty-five and life you got it
Thirty-five and life you know
Your crime is time and it's
Thirty-five and life to go
Thirty-five and life you got it
Thirty-five and life you know
Your crime is time and it's
Thirty-five and life to go


It's your day. Have it your way!

I have been commissioned

I have this friend from college, Brandi, (or is it with a y? We aren't that close.) who is going through a divorce and thinks I would be a good candidate to write a screen play based on her life. Being that she has four kids I guess I should write something for Lifetime. Obviously I am allowed some creative license. I just can't decide if I am going the single mother raising four kids while working in a coal mine route after her babies' daddy ran off or the mother by day, prostitute by night route. I mean either way I am guaranteed a daytime Emmy.

Celebrity Arch Nemesis - John Mayer

Without even taking music into account, I hate John Mayer. Let's look at the facts:
Collects vintage Rolexs - I have to wait for people to die to get mine.
Drives a blue Defender - I also drive a blue Defender - draw
Entering the Gumball 3000 - Do I even need to comment on this rally of epic proportions?

I could go on but my anger has overwhelmed me. Thankfully I am not taking into account that he has talent or bangs Hollywood starlets.

Check out John Mayer's blog

Keep it in mind

19

Boot and Rally

If I win the lottery, I am funding a rally team. Feel free to write me and tell me why you are worthy to join.

What's in a name

A friend of mine called me last night asking why my name was on his 1099G. Apparently it said Payer's FEIN number at the top. I tried to explain to him that the Jews controlled the IRS. He didn't buy it.

Federal Employer Identification Number (FEIN)

Proud of a job well done

My finest achievement in 5th grade:

Friends

Two months after meeting:


Twenty years after meeting:


We haven't aged a bit.

REDRUM

I just found this photo of my brother as a baby.


How creepy is the fact that in the picture is a picture of him in the same outfit? I just blew my mind.

Mad Skills

I have a mini competition going (at least in my head) with Colleen (from elementary school) about who can pull out funnier pictures/writing samples from childhood. She just sent me this little gem of mine from 6th grade:

The happiest time of my life

Sonesta Beach Hotel, Key Biscayne, Florida 1981

I have no explanation for my mood in these photgraphs but I like to believe this trip made me the person I am today.

Fancier people than you wear socks as gloves

But mom I really want a pair of Freezy Freakies

Also applicable to these pictures:

Mercedes in garage - check
Rolex on both parents' wrists - check
Fur coat for mom in closet - check
Gloves for child - . . .

A moment frozen in time

This picture was taken exactly 12 minutes before I learned every curse word in the book (not sure which book) and 14 minutes after my friend nicknamed my mother Madame Afro.

It felt like I was looking in a mirror

I am in the middle of litigation with Arnold Schwarzenegger over who really came up with the idea for the movie Twins. Clearly my brother and I went through the same experiences as Arnold and Danny Devito years before that movie came out.



Obviously no disrespect towards my brother. I mean come on. So he was a bit heavy. It looks like I haven't eaten in months! We are both now in perfect shape.

Welcome to America

I remember it like it was yesterday, coming to America via Ellis Island. I had my ticket pinned to my sport coat. We were in search of a better life. A life where my brother could have a real Rolex and not a fake one from a store in Teaneck.


Seriously, I think my outfit came from a dumpster behind a Greek restaurant.

I felt the love

The scanner is fully operational!!!


I think my brother was showing me love in the same way Lennie would show a rabbit love.

Self Deprecation

I bought a scanner two days ago. Here are some of the images that will soon be burned into your brains:
Huge Glasses
Jewfro
Blond hair
Socks as gloves
Nude photo of my brother (pending litigation)
My mom in a bikini (also pending litigation)
Scan from my 2001 colonoscopy
Every Polaroid taken by my parents (I still have the camera)




Get ready to be entertained!

Greatest Family Guy Ever

Last night, Family Guy met all of my needs as a series. It can now go off the air.

Peter grows a mustache:


Peter eats 30 hamburgers and has a stroke (may hit too close to home)

Love/hate the British

I had to replace everything you see below on my Defender:

Where is my pudding?

Pitymeals, you know I am talking to you.

Give me the pudding and no one gets hurt.

Election coming up

This blog is finally becoming topical.

Zod in '08

4:23 PM

I have been sitting here for like five minutes trying to find something to write about. I have serious writer's block. Don't worry though, I have decided to eat a ton of candy before I go to sleep tonight. That should make for some interesting dreams.

More tomorrow

GORDON'S ALIVE!

I had a dream that I was Flash Gordon in the 1980 movie. The only difference between my dream and the film version was that in my dream I was carrying my welsh terrier under my arm while I fought Ming the Merciless.

Magic Movie Machine, part 2

Love/Hate Los Angeles

Love: It was 75 degrees out (December 23rd).
Hate: Even though it was 75 degrees out, there was a guy at the gym wearing a snow hat.

Different friend, more bacon

Friends and Enemies both want me dead

Last night I received a Christmas gift from my supposed friend. I don't need to name names, let's just say this is the same friend I have a $100 bet with regarding who will die first.

Five types of bacon to start the new year:
- Oscar Smoke House Applewood Smoked Bacon
- Hempler's Pepper Bacon
- Edward's Virginia Hickory smoked Country Style Dry Cured Bacon
- Father's Hickory Smoked Cinnamon Sugar Country Bacon
- Vande Rose Iowa Duroc Heritage Breed Pork Artisan Dry Cured Applewood Smoked Bacon

I have decided if I die first I need to be cremated*. I want to see him pick the $100bill out of my urn.



* If there is any bacon left when I expire, please cremate it with me.

Magic Movie Machine

Does anyone wonder how Will Ferrell, Adam Mckay, Judd Apatow, Paul Rudd, Seth Rogen, and Jonah Hill (to name a few of the supposed Comedy Mafia) are able to come up with movies like this time and time again? Without giving too much away before my thesis is done, I will leave you with a couple of clues:
*Rotary Phone
*WOPR
*Pact with the devil

Think about it!

Billy Town

I just got off the phone with my friend Billy and we had a long talk about the future. He told me that eventually he wants to own a ton of land in New Hampshire. Not only will he build his dream home on the property but a select few will be given invitations to build houses on the land as well. The land is free as well as any materials that come from the property (wood, water, etc). The only catch is you have to give something back to your community of friends. I am quite flattered to say I have been included in this grand plan. I have been racking my brain all day trying to figure out what I could contribute to the perfect society my friend will build in his image.

Some ideas:
Town Gossip
Town Drunk - could be an issue. Not a huge drinker.
Town Jew

Out of ideas

Ice Cube needs to get back in the game

No one lives forever, no one. But with advances in modern science and my high level income, it's not crazy to think I can live to be 245, maybe 300.

Just got word from my doctor that I can stop taking Lipitor.
LDL - 101
HDL - 48
Total - 175

Maybe a Highlander quote would have been better.

You cannot die, MacLeod, accept it.

Turkey Turkey

Got my endorsement

I don't normally like to talk politics. Too many people run their mouths off when they really don't know anything. In this case though I don't see the harm in telling everyone who I plan to vote for in the next election. You will soon see it is in your best interests to agree.

Writers' Strike - Good for Writers?

Last night as I was watching the season finale of Weeds, two things occured to me. One, Weeds has jumped the shark and two, if this strike continues I won't have anything new to watch. The magic picture box won't be so magical. Maybe I will read a book. So the way I look at it, if I buy a book because of the writers' strike there is at least one happy writer out there.

Should I get an iPhone?

I saw this commercial where some ballet dancer talks about how she updates her blog from her iphone. I want to be that ballet dancer.

For some reason I have "Music is my boyfriend" stuck in my head. The Apple marketing campaign has turned me into a lemming.

Back to school

I keep having this recurring dream that I have to go back to school because I failed some course. Why would it take over ten years for me to realize it? The dream alternates between high school and college. In the college version I have to move back into the dorms. I think it has to do with the fact one of my friends actually had to go back to college because he failed a class ten years ago and finally wanted to get his diploma. He use to call me on his way to class. We would laugh that he was keeping the dream alive. Not sure what dream that was. When I wake up sweating in the middle of the night I am pretty sure it's a nightmare.

American Gangster of Pudding

I know this might sound sacreligious but I am thinking of cutting the middle man out of the pudding equation. What if instead of cooking My*T*Fine pudding, I make my own butterscotch? I have been doing some research and it seems that butterscotch doesn't come from the sea as I once thought. Butterscotch is some sort of mixture of sugar, butter, cream, and vanilla. Now if I can isolate the pudding genome, nothing can stop me.

No individual has accomplished what My*T*Fine hasn't in a hundred years!

Papa Cristo's

I was trying to meet my lamb requirements for the day at Papa Cristo's when I noticed Tom Leykis wandering around the store. Did anyone know he was Greek? I almost went up to him and said hello but that would have required me to stop eating and stand. Instead I took another bite of my sandwich and imagined him taking me out JFK Sr. and Jr. style. Genius!

Lamb - my new butterscotch pudding

I have been eating lamb nonstop the last couple of weeks. Chops, Gyros, sandwiches, raw in a field nude. I have all my bases covered. Lamb is heart healthy, right? I don't know why I titled this post Lamb - my new butterscotch pudding. We live in a world where I don't have to choose.

Happy Veterans' Day

Against All Odds via Jalopnik

I use to love this movie. When I first saw it I was too little to care who would have won if that garbage truck didn't cut the race short. I still don't really care. I do remember a time my freshman year in college when I was obsessed with the Phil Collins theme song from the movie. I would drive up the Merritt parkway like I was James Woods in the Ferrari (substitute Honda for Ferrari), weaving in and out of traffic like a maniac, crying over my high school girlfriend who got smart and dumped me. I identify more with James Woods's character because of the size of his penis, of course.

Blackleg Barry

In this time of need I wanted to let Hollywood know that I am available to write. I have no shame crossing the line. If you need me for an episode of 30 Rock, I am there. The same goes for working on Days Of Our Lives or Hotel Erotica Cabo edition.

Actual License Plate

No joke. I was behind this car last night.

Butterscotch

Esquire - November 2007

P 142 - Foods you'll be enjoying aplenty in 2008: Butterscotch

The world is beginning to recognize.

So glad I bought butterscotch pudding futures.

Butterscotch the dog

Casa Bonita

I am not sure if I mentioned this before but my office moved to a new building. For the most part there is nothing special about the new digs unless you count having Casa Bonita studios as your neighbor a big deal. Oh wait, I do!!!! Casa Bonita studios is where they make South Park. For the last few weeks I have been thinking of ways to show Trey Parker and Matt Stone that what they really need is a third partner. Sure they have made it tens years already, but I have my doubts they can keep it going without me. I thought I was finally being called up to the big leagues on Thursday when someone from Casa Bonita came into my office and asked for the guy who drove the blue land rover. As I was about to say my good byes to the suckers around me, the south park employee informed me I parked my car in a Casa Bonita reserved spot. Something about getting that piece of shit out of the exec spot for his M5. This might not have been my opportunity but at least they know me. I am the douche with the blue land rover.

It is a start.

Werwolf Bar Mitzvah

Why can't I write for 30 Rock? Oh, that's right, no talent. Damn!! On another note how amazing is this clip? I could go on about how amazing a werewolf Bar Mitzvah would be, but all this clip does is make me think of my own Bar Mitzvah. I don't even think we played Coke/Pepsi. I think my mom bought a fur coat with my gift money. Well not the bonds. That paid for the new aluminum siding 10 years later.

Gym Douche

I recently found myself reading Men's Health when I came across an article regarding that guy who plays the "transporter". It was all about how he got in sick shape by working out at some gym near LAX. The article included a link to the gym's website. The gym supposedly specializes in unconventional workouts; climbing ropes, kettle balls, etc. Being that I have become a serious fat ass lately, I figured I would get in contact with the gym and see if I could sign up for a few sessions with a trainer. Here is the email exchange between me and the gym:

My initial email:

Hi Logan,

I saw the article in Men's Health regarding your training. I live in Los Angeles and would like to meet with you to see if you could train me. I think the article said your gym was around LAX. Shoot me an email or call so we can discuss.

Thanks

Barry

The douchey response:

Hi Barry,

Thanks for inquiring about Epoch Training.

Hopefully the following will answer some or all of your questions regarding our efforts.

Our main facility is located in Los Angeles. We do not have packages, programs for the public or anything even close to memberships. Our clients aren't barcodes, screen names or numbers. Tours of the facility are not an option. We're not being elitist or aloof, that's just how it is for now. We are working on projects until '08 so no new clients will begin before then.

Here's how we work. Epoch provides training to individuals and small groups after an initial screening interview and training session. If the potential client has the right mindset, motivation and discipline to reach their stated goals, a training cycle will be agreed upon and the fees will be established. Training can cease at any time if the client is not meeting their end of the agreement and making the type of progress they are capable of making.

Regarding the simplicity of our web presence, there's no gentle way to say it so here it is. We don't have the time and are not concerned with displaying our craft to those who aren't actively participating in it. The online fitness model is out there already. Epoch Training isn't in line with simple pre-packed fitness programs that are more accessible and marketable to the masses. Unless one becomes actively involved with us, the site and this email are the only information publicly available regarding Epoch Training.

We do not utilize "a program." The training cannot be easily or completely described as it is tailored for each individual and the context in which we find ourselves. Our knowledge and the training progressions of our clients are constantly evolving. Of course, we utilize the following: intervals, "strongman" type activities, rowing, Olympic & power lifting, sprinting/running, gymnastic/body weight movements, trail running & hiking, circuits, Military O-course type events, agility/stability drills and whatever seems right in a given context. These methods and more are mixed in whatever fashion is appropriate for a given individual's goals, ability level and temperament. Variability and creativity make particular, purely physical descriptions insufficient and distracting.

All of this is then stacked on top of serious discussion regarding nutrition and other lifestyle factors that influence health and performance. We do our best to explore and modify outside factors that can either help or hinder progress in the gym. It's all related. The totality of lifestyle stresses; nutrition, sleep/recovery, personal relationships, physical injuries, etc. seems to be what holds people back so that is addressed alongside the training itself.

If Epoch sounds right for you and you'd like to be considered as a client, please tell us more about yourself and what you're after.

Thank you for being curious. We wish you the best in your pursuit of a more complete and effective training regimen.

Regards,

Logan

My absurd response:

Logan,

I served in Long Range Recon Patrols in Southeast Asia. Left the service to study mystic martial arts with the Arashikage family. I was living an ascetic existence alone in the High Sierras with a pet wolf named Timber when I decided I needed to get back in the game. I have been living in Los Angeles for the past few months. I am looking to sharpen my skills and my overall cardiovascular shape so I can sign up for another tour with the special forces. I read the article about the transporter guy and was intrigued.

The ultimate comeback:

Gosh Barry, if you studied under Storm Shadow and Snake-Eyes I highly doubt there's anything you could possibly learn from Epoch Training.


Take care,


He seemed like a douche but the fact that he knows his GIJOE means he isn't all bad.

Well played

Deuce

Am I the only one who thinks Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo has a good soundtrack? Seriously look it up if you don't believe me.

"Deuce, you the best he-bitch in my man stable. If I had two more manginas like you, I'd be a millionaire."

Oprah's Vagina

Last night I realized why the creators of South Park are rich and I am not. I caught an older episode where Oprah's vagina and anus take hostages so they can escape to France. It doesn't end well for them. First the anus gets it, then the vag. Isn't that how it always happens? A bunch of other clever stuff happens but I can't get past her vag holding a revolver.



Wiki

Not Dead

I just figured after my 300th post most people would have lost interest in what I had to say. How many times can I mention butterscotch pudding before I am assassinated? Well by popular demand (one second cousin, one aunt, and one homeless lady), I am back to blogging.

New topics will include:

Pudding in history
Pudding in politics
Cooked versus Instant pudding
Subaru Brats and presidents

Keep your eyes open. Relevant posts coming soon!!!

Oh, and enjoy the new layout!