My Hero

I don't know how or why, but Samuel Jackson just called me to make sure I was going to go see Snakes on Plane, August 18th.

"Hey, sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'd never know 'cause I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker."

Just my luck

I am about to go to the airport to fly back to Los Angeles. I'm sure the lines wont be any longer than usual. Thanks, Terrorists.

Robin Williams finally makes me laugh

Robin Williams goes to rehab

Am I the only one who has never found Robin Williams funny?

I'm being overly critical. I will give credit where credit is due. Robin Williams made an amazing Popeye.

Back in Nam

Direct Quote from Rambo: First Blood

Trautman: Company leader to identify Baker Team - Rambo, Messner, Ortega, Coletta, Jurgensen, Barry, Krakauer confirm! This is Colonel Trautman.
Rambo: They're all gone Sir.
Trautman: Not Barry, he made it.
Rambo: Barry's gone too Sir. Got himself killed in Nam, didn't even know it. Cancer ate him down to the bone.
Trautman: I'm sorry, I didn't know.
Rambo: I'm the last one Sir.

I think it is obvious that one of the writers put my name in as a joke. With a name like Barry you avoid the draft with a note from your mother.

Tour de France title to be stripped

You know this guy must have had some amazing excuses back in elementary school when he either forgot to do his homework or did a half assed job on it.





"My pet Mennonite dragon ate it."
"It was fine when I handed it in. The French kid must have tampered with it."
"Mel Gibson told me the Jews are to blame."

Landis tells Leno it might have been something he ate.

A new enemy emerges

I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! I hate bees! But how do I really feel?

Not since I was five and forced to swim at the community pool have I been stung so many times at once. Last count was 46. Fine, it was only twice, but it still hurt like a bitch. At least I can take pleasure in knowing that both bees died while stinging me.

Nip/Tuck

Watching Nip/Tuck makes me pretty. If you don't watch the show, you are as ugly on the inside as you are on the out.

I have been spreading the word: Nip/Tuck

Baby Cage

In NYC space comes at a premium. You have to make the most out of every square foot. I have these friends who were forced to subdivide their living room as to make room for their new baby. Even though the nursery looks nice and is more than enough room for a toddler, I can't stop thinking of it as a baby cage.

Today I was at the doctor's and I noticed a real baby cage. I think if my friends had known this existed, they would have forgone the construction team. It has everything you could want: Room to move, safety glass on the top, wheels for when you have company, and storage underneath.

I think someone needs to investigate why Mt. Sinai has this thing.

How awesome would a baby cage match be? Two enter the cage, only one comes out!! I think I will start writing the treatment tonight.

I piss excellence

I don't want to alarm anyone but I think Will Farrell implanted a mind control device in my brain. There is no other explanation for the fact that I saw 'Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby' five hours ago and now I have a two inch surgical wound above my ear. On top of that Ricky Bobby and baby Jesus are dancing in my head. I really would like to thank Mr. Bobby for letting the Rustler Steak House and Manimal the TV show sponsor his race car.

Just remember, "if you aren't first, you are last." Words to live by. My only problem with this movie is the fact that it ended. Oh, and there was no Burt Reynolds. Who makes a movie about NASCAR and doesn't include Burt?

Thankless Job

I have no idea what garbage men in NYC are paid, but I think it is a safe guess to say not enough. When I run for mayor of the city I am adding better pay for sanitation workers to my pigeon-killing platform.

No one should have to deal with this.

What is this?

Is that it?

I wouldn't say my hands are overly large yet for some reason people have described me as having French toast sticks for fingers. According to precise measurements (elementary school wooden ruler), my hand is six inches from the base of my palm to the tip of my pointer finger. (*See example a) You might ask why you need to know the size of my hand. Trust me, it is very important.

*Example a

Last night I went to a nice Spanish restaurant in Paramus, New Jersey. El Cid is the name for those who care. They serve the typical paella and fish in green sauce dishes that you would expect. I however, always like to order the prime rib when I am there. I am not sure if it is the taste or the size that gets me every time. (*See example b)

*Example b

My dinner shows everything that is wrong with America and apparently Spain. While I chewed each delicious bite, I thought to myself that it might not be a bad idea to drop prime rib this size with little parachutes over the Middle East as humanitarian relief during this difficult time. Each piece could feed a family. At first I thought about dropping the prime rib without parachutes, but I had this image of them killing people or crashing through roofs. America gets blamed for enough. That would really cause some bad PR.

In any event, I thoroughly enjoyed each and every bite of my prime rib, fresh potato chips, steamed vegetables, yellow rice, flan, coffee, and one medium coke. I highly recommend that if for some odd reason you find yourself stranded in Bergen County, New Jersey, you go to El Cid. If you have no conscience like me, order the prime rib. If you have a conscience, eat through your tears. (*See example c)

*Example c

My memoirs will be scary

I am beginning to notice that most authors draw upon personal experiences when writing. Whether it be using a location or actual events, most writers throw in a bit of themselves in their work. I have heard the same thing is true for artists. Isn't the Mona Lisa supposedly a self-portrait?

I have decided that if I ever write a book I am just going to make it nonfiction. My imagination has nothing on my day-to-day life. For example, if I was going to write a book about a child visiting his or her mother once they were an adult, I would use my imagination to perhaps set the visit around Thanksgiving in the hopes that I could come up with a funny anecdote with regard to cooking the turkey without unwrapping it. Doesn’t sound that interesting does it?

In real life, I am currently visiting my mother. For some reason during the last three visits, my mom has insisted on me going sneaker shopping with her. I begrudgingly go like a surly teenager. I try and help her pick out stylish kicks before she accosts a salesperson for help. Once this happens, you can find me hiding under a rack of dresses. Anything so I don't have to be involved with the trying on process. Once the sneakers are on her feet, I am brought back in to give my opinion and to watch as a million questions are asked with regards to the shoes' support versus comfort level. After the questions are answered, momma usually ends up buying two pairs. Now here is why fact is stranger than fiction. Once I leave, my mom returns the sneakers in their unopened boxes to their respective stores. Next trip the whole process starts over again.

Which story would you rather read? The one about some boring child’s visit or the one about the mother who drags her adult son shoe shopping for no reason?

One final thing, there was a billboard within Macy’s shoe department of a woman wearing high heels. I tried to take a picture, but it didn't come out well. The model had what appeared to be six toes on her right foot. More proof there is work for everyone in the field of their dreams.

I didn't breast feed.

Coincidence? I think not!

Movies

Just a couple of movies I am pumped to see:

The Fountain
The Prestige
Spiderman 3
Children of Men
Borat
Casino Royale with cheese
I Am A Sex Addict


Don't bother making fun of me. At least I didn't say Teenage Muntant Ninja Turtles or the next Rocky.

Just put it on the Underhills' tab

"Yes, very good. I'll have a Bloody Mary and a steak sandwich and... a steak sandwich, please."

Every other day I like to check my bank account balance online. I somehow have this fantasy of it going up for no reason. I just checked it, and to my surprise I am doing a lot of shopping at the Gap and Speedy Lube, $214.99 to be exact. I am kind of dumbfounded by my recent purchases since I hate the Gap and all service on my car is included for free while it is under warranty. I am also dumbfounded by the fact that even though I am in New York and my bankcard is in my wallet, purchases are being made in Los Angeles. Thankfully my account was depleted of funds before a second purchase at the Gap could be made. Don't think the magical money spender didn't try. If someone is clever enough to figure out how to use my bankcard without even having the card in their possession, why do they have to steal for a living? They are already smarter than me and I have proven anyone can get a job.

Bastards!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Action Jackson Weather Report

According to Carl Weathers, the three day forecast for New York City is:

Hot
Hotter
Hottest!!

Celebrity Ride

My writing is really reaching the masses.

Celebrity Ride

Happy Birthday, Captain!

Today could have been a good day, instead it turned out to be a great day!!

Dom Deluise: Born August 1, 1933

Bridge and Tunnel State of Mind

What summer of Barry would be complete without some traveling? I am on the east coast for a week to see my mom and hang out in the city. Lack of funds and guilt have found me staying in my childhood room. Regardless of my current location, I have some big plans for while I am here. I am not really sure what those plans are yet, but I am sure eating will be involved. There is a beer garden in Queens that I have been wanting to check out. Expect a full write up if I make it to the magical land where beer is grown in the same dirt as tomatoes and corn.

There is a good chance of me buying a video camera on this trip. I think what this blog lacks is moving pictures. It isn't enough for me to describe the mundane minutiae of my day with great detail, I think seeing it will be much more effective. There is a possibility that my hamburger nose will not translate well to film. If that is the case I think I will start auditioning people to play me in the ongoing story of my life. It will be much easier that way with far less legal consequences.

By the way when I was doing a search for beer garden images, I found this site. Viva la Internet!

Will who?

I just saw the trailer for 'Stranger than Fiction'. The movie looks awesome. Has anyone ever heard of Will Ferrell? He must be a new to this whole acting thing. I see big things coming from him. He may even be bigger than pudding if he plays his cards right.

Say it ain't so!

Rare Biking post:

Earlier this week I wanted to write a piece about Floyd Landis being a Mennonite and winning the Tour de France. I wasn't sure what one had to do with the other, but I figured I could perhaps pull some humor out of it. I read all the articles about him before the race started, how he was going to be the winner, how he was the next big thing from America. As the race went on I was amazed at his ups and downs and how the guy needed a new hip yet was still able to win. Hell, my aunt needs a new hip and I would be amazed if she could just get out of the car with ease (Sorry, Ruthie!). After Floyd won I did some research on Wikipedia about Mennonites and it didn't seem that weird to me after all. There was a lot about volunteering, pacifism, and caring about your fellow man. Odd beliefs in the time we live in. Anyway, today it is all over the news that Landis doped. At least that is what they are saying now. They still need to test his B-samples of blood. I really hope this is just a witch-hunt. People need something to believe in and if he cheated it is going to kill the morale of the loyal American fans of the tour.

Hell, I still try and believe Tyler Hamilton is innocent.


This reminds me of the great cheating scandal of 1980. I told my dentist I was able to solve his Rubik's cube. His receptionist caught me in the waiting room peeling the stickers. I just couldn't come back from that. No one could!

Deuce!

As the summer of Barry dictates, I must do something new daily. Today, I went to my first tennis tournament, the Countrywide Classic to be exact. Sadly, I was tricked into going. Worse than that, I played the trick on myself. You see, I assumed that this tennis tournament would be both mens' and womens'. The ticket didn't give any indication otherwise. Since I know so little about tennis the only thing I was sure of was that some lovely ladies would delight me by running around the court. No such luck, it was all dudes. No matter, it was a good time nonetheless. My only complaint would be that it was hotter than the sun where I was sitting.

Los Angeles does away with the Good Samaritan Law

You have to love a city where no one thinks a man lying face down on the sidewalk is unusual. I was driving down Venice Blvd today when I saw this poor bastard. People were just walking around him. There were even people waiting for the bus a few feet away. No one seemed that concerned. No one walked over to help. I was able to drive down the block and do a u-turn and come back for a closer look. I really hope it wasn't one of those situations where everyone assumed someone else would help him when in fact no one did.

Yes, I know I am burning in hell for taking a picture and not calling 911.

Bye, bye, Judaism. Hello, Scientology

If this were Nazi Germany, I would sell out my friends for the stalest piece of bread I could get my greedy hands on. It might not be right away, but come lunchtime you are done. I would give up the secret door to your attic hideaway before you could say mondle bread.

Now that you know a little bit about my character, I will tell you about my vast experience with Scientology and why it is the superior religion. I don't care how long Judaism, Chistianity, or any other religion has been around; there is a key factor with regards to Scientology that makes it superior. They have a restaurant located on the grounds. I can't get pancakes at Temple! If you make a reservation and mention the website you get a $5 discount. Buffet, $5 discount, weird cultish religion, I am in!

The Scientology Celebrity Centre International is located in Hollywood California. It is a really cool old hotel that I guess Scientology bought some years back. I don't know too much about the history, but I am sure you can find it on their website. My experiences dealt mostly with how much roast beef I could eat and how negative a person I was. As soon as I got to the Centre I hit the buffet. I have to say for $20 you really can't go wrong. There are all the standard breakfast items, various roasts, potatoes, desserts, Kool-aid, etc. They were a bit weak on the desserts and the quality of the mashed potatoes, but when you are dealing with a buffet some things are expected to get lost with mass production. I recommend the brunch if for nothing else you get a sweet creepy 'Shining' vibe from the building. No blood coming out of the walls but there could have been L.Ron's ghost behind the bar.

After I greedily had seconds of every dish that was offered, I proceeded to walk around the grounds. Within two, maybe three seconds, a person came over and asked me if I wanted an official tour. Why not? I had nothing better do to after eating two waffles and some pound cake. All of a sudden, I am in some office with a Thetan (Scientology term for a person). Now, maybe I am naive but I thought that I was going to get a tour of the actual building not of Scientology. I spent the next hour learning how the mind works, and how reading emotions and reacting better will change my life. There was that and something about an audit, not sure if that dealt with the IRS though. I was ushered room to room where there were plasma televisions waiting to play the next segment of my introduction. I wonder why it couldn't have all been in one room. At the very least they could have saved money on electronics. This is Hollywood though. In one room I was introduced to the Tone Scale, a scale that shows the emotional tones of a person. My friend promptly told me that I was averaging a .003 on the scale, which in normal words said I was useless. I am not joking, it really said useless for one of the tones. It could have been worse, 0.00 is dead. My next room contained the magical E-meter. The E-meter is used to measure distress in one's life. The funniest thing about the meter was when I used it in a demo, it kept registering that I was distress free. If you know me at all, you know all I am is distressed. Only when I burst into laughter did the meter read that I was distressed. I may have to do some new research about the correlation between laughter and happiness. I guess laughter isn't the best medicine after all. Good thing too, since no drugs are allowed.

When I finished my last video and really felt I learned enough to be dangerous I decided to hit the road. My guide wanted me to meet with someone else but I managed to squirm out before she got there. I also avoided taking a career test. I fell for that trick in high school and I don't care what anyone says, I was not put on this earth to bake cookies. Right before I left I overheard another tour where the guide informed the prospectives that there is great networking for jobs in the entertainment industry for fellow Scientologists. I thought we Jews controlled Entertainment. If I became a Scientologist would I have double the networking power?

On one good note I did get to meet Tom Cruise while I was there:



Leah Remini serenading the guests in the restuarant.



Outdoor shot of the grounds:



*This blog does not condone discrimination. All religions/tax shelters will be made fun of equally.

Ferraris, Comics, and Boobs, in that order - Comic Con

Yesterday I spent the day in sunny San Diego. A couple of friends and I decided to drive down for the day to hit Comic Con. For those of you who aren't in the know, Comic Con is the largest comic book convention in the country. It is held every July in the SD Convention Center. It is like the auto show except instead of cars and models, there are comics and models. It seems that whenever there is a specialized type of show, models have to somehow get involved to make it more bearable for regular people. It is either that or everyone likes boobs. I am getting ahead of myself though.

I might as well start at the beginning of the day. I drove down with two friends, Bruce and Ben. Ben was all about boobs comics and Bruce just wanted a ride to San Diego to visit a friend. I am only mentioning Bruce because I had no idea that I would be dropping him off at the richest person in the world's house. In the garage were two classic Ferraris, a '73 Daytona and '66 GTB. After promptly being denied adoption, I left Bruce and headed to the biggest comic convention the world.

If you ever find yourself wanting to go to Comic Con, make sure you pay close attention to what I am saying. It will save you pain in the long run. For starters, the whole area - parking, hotels, and restaurants - gets really packed, so I suggest you call in sick and go during the week, not on a weekend. I would like to say that is what I did, but as we all know I don't work, so all days are the same. In addition to going during the week, you will want to park right under the convention center. This will guarantee you do the least amount of walking. This is a comic convention, not a day at the races. Please take everything I say with a boulder of salt. I really enjoy going to this dork fest, and this was my third year at the show. I think that makes me a level nine elf or something. Once I paid my admission fee (discounted after 4pm to half price), I hit the floor. It didn’t take long for me to learn I have nothing in common with any of the other patrons. I like to pretend I identify with people, but really it is all lies. I have never seen so many acid washed jeans in my life. Come on, people: wake up that was so last season.

I like comics but I can't tell you the minutia of the stuff that goes on behind the scenes. I don't know writers, artists, etc. To my credit I must say I did identify two people at the show. One of the writers on Batman was on the Real World San Francisco. Does everyone remember the season with Puck? Yeah a guy from that actually has a real career outside of MTV. Impressive enough. The other person I saw was Stan Lee. The king of all Marvel comics. The guy is 80 and cooler than I will ever be. He created Spiderman. Can't really beat that. The best part about Stan Lee is he had a posse with him. They almost trampled me coming in. Other than my shortcomings from not knowing enough, I had a blast. I break it down to three simple pleasure zones in my head: Humor, Intrigue, and Boobs. Let's discuss each item separately.

Intrigue - Upcoming comic related merchandise - This is where all the companies showcase their products for the upcoming year. I enjoy this because I get to see some future comic layouts, molds of new action figures, previews for comic/sci-fi movies, and amazing art from up and coming artists. Just check out these links to get an idea:
corysmithart
Lewis Helfand
Creatureco-op

Humor - Common People dressed up as fools - I am not sure what it is about the comic convention, but every Tom, Dick, Harry, Sally, Frank, Mike, and Suzy likes to come in their own home made costume. No one is paying them. They just want to show their support. I wish I had passion like that. True dedication.

Boob - Side Boob - There is one section of the convention hall where former playboy playmates like to set up booths. Here you can have your photo taken on your own camera with a playmate for the minor price of $5, $15 if you want a signed Polaroid. Tiffany is studying to be a police officer and likes ferrets. Angel is a new mother and use to be on Beverly Hills 90210. Sadly, I knew all of this before coming to the shows. In three years I have yet to say a word to these playmates or have a photo taken. I just kind of stare in the corner and wish I were rich/better looking.

So there you have it, Comic Con 2006. Do I recommend it? You bet. Even without the Ferraris, the day was well worth it. San Diego is a great city. Comics are always fun. If you have the means I highly recommend you valet park the Ferrari at a reputable garage and spend the day around a cast of characters you will never forget.

I can't believe Lynda Carter still does these shows.

Random other photos:
Snakes on a Plane

It got kind of nuts when the San Diego and LA chapters had a gang fight in the parking lot.

Darth Vader without the mask

The good life



*Special thanks to Ben for taking the photos.
**Special, special thanks to Bruce's mother, Lillian for letting me take a picture of her when she wasn't feeling well.

Godspeed Captain Chaos!!

From IMDB:
The Cannonball Run star Dom DeLuise is recovering after reportedly collapsing at his home in California. The rotund funnyman, who was Burt Reynolds' sidekick in the Cannonball Run films, was taken to hospital on July 1 after family members found him passed out on the floor. According to US tabloid reports, DeLuise remained unconscious hours after he was admitted to St. John's Medical Center in Santa Monica, California. After a series of heart tests and round-the-clock observation, the 72-year-old actor was allowed to go home three days later. According to an insider, "He knows something serious happened, but the doctors haven't made any diagnosis yet. He'd been complaining that he was really tired... At the time no one thought it was anything serious."

**Dom, I wish you a speedy recovery!

DA-DA-DUM!

Would Joel Siegel walk out?

If only my life were a movie. You normally have to pay a writer at least as good as Kevin Smith for this type of dialogue:

Barry: That is one sweet car!
Phil: The center console is too big.
Barry: So?
Phil: It just isn't blowjob accessible. If I buy a car like that, I am expecting blowjobs. The center console is going to get in the way.
Barry: Clearly.

One Meatball - Summer of Barry Continued

Somehow my brother tricked me into going to a jazz concert (John Pizzarelli) with him at the Hollywood Bowl. It is very hard to come up with excuses as to why you can't do things when you have no job. I went, figuring at the very least I could write about it. There was so much skatten and beeboppin in my head. The highlight of the evening was being yelled at by an elderly woman for talking too loudly when I pointed out the principal from 'Growing Pains.' I take my celebrity sightings where I can get them. The other enjoyable part of the concert was when they played a song about a meatball. I really felt for the artist. It made me so damn hungry.

One Meatball

A little man walked up and down,
He found an eating place in town,
He read the menu through and through,
To see what fifteen cents could do.

One meatball, one meatball,
He could afford but one meatball.

He told the waiter near at hand,
The simple dinner he had planned.
The guests were startled, one and all,
To hear that waiter loudly call, "What,

"One meatball, one meatball?
Hey, this here gent wants one meatball."

The little man felt ill at ease,
Said, "Some bread, sir, if you please."
The waiter hollered down the hall,
"You gets no bread with one meatball.

"One meatball, one meatball,
Well, you gets no bread with one meatball."

The little man felt very bad,
One meatball was all he had,
And in his dreams he hears that call,
"You gets no bread with one meatball.

"One meatball, one meatball,
Well, you gets no bread with one meatball."

I am the greatest ex-employee ever

When I think of working in a sea of cubes, I think of tranquil boredom. Faceless people with no emotions. In any event, I just talked to the account rep from my previous employer, and apparently she had to fire two people on Monday. Here's a quiz, hotshot. Can you pick the two reasons?

A. Bob kept coming in late.
B. Mike made too many long distance calls.
C. Frank failed a drug test for cocaine.
D. Susie was on the Internet all day long.
E. John got ticked-off and gave an Indian co-worker a beat down.

If you picked (C) and (E) you deserve a prize. More proof people are animals.

New Post on TVscoop

Read up suckas!

Out Of Practice

London Calling

Over the last few weeks it seems that unrest and turmoil in the world has come to a boiling point. Could it be caused by the summer heat? The situation in the Middle East kind of reminds me of the scene in 'Do The Right Thing' when Mookie throws a trash can through the window of Sal's Pizzeria. Racial tension and a hot summer day just don't seem to mix. At a horrible time like this everyone seems to be taking sides. No matter what your opinion is, I know one politician we can all stand behind. The mayor of London really cares about humanity. As the Arab nations try to eradicate the world of the Jewish populace, Mayor Ken Livingston is trying to rid London of pigeons. Coincidence? I think not. I see a global conspiracy here. I used to joke that I would someday be elected to mayor of New York on the promise of ridding the city of flying rats. I never finished my campaign poster with a picture of me wearing a flamethrower.

London Mayor hates Pigeons

**This blog does not endorse the killing of pigeons, Jews, or Arabs.

*** I asked my friend's eighty-six year old mother, who is hard of hearing, what she thought about what was going on in the Middle East. Her response (sans hearing aid) "I am a slow eater."

The Summer of Barry - back on

I told myself when I lost my job that I would make the most out of every day. My imagination isn't that good so I figured picking up Los Angeles magazine would be a good push in the right direction to enjoying all this city has to offer. On the cover of the July issue, it clearly states that I should get out and hike, bike, snorkel, kayak, or catch a wave. Not really my bag. I did, however, find on page 134 the best places to have a root beer float. There were four restaurants listed, but since legally only one float can be consumed a day I picked the one closet to my current location. That restaurant was the Blvd. at the Regent Beverly Wilshire Hotel. The float was everything I dreamed it would be, creamy ice cream and fizzy root beer. I guess the whole concept is a bit of a no brainer. There were two things about the float that really made my day. One being that the float only cost me $6 when the magazine said it would be $11. The second being that sitting directly in my line of site was a table of people that were clearly associated with the porn industry. You might ask how I would know such a thing. Let's just say I know. After some very awkward grimaces made on my part, I knew it was time to leave. Something told me that a beat down by a male porn star was not really the best way to enjoy the weekend.


*Review from Los Angeles magazine: The Restaurant: The Blvd. at the Regent Beverly Wilshire Hotel The Chef: Conny Andersson The Concoction: A dram of A&W root beer with a scoop of house-made vanilla ice cream and "a lot of love," say Andersson, comes in a doll-size glass and is an ambrosial shooter. Bookend it with the itty-bitty cones in seasonal flavors. The Price: $11 9500 Wilshire Blvd., Beverly Hills, 310-275-5200

**Only one of the floats pictured was mine. The other two I bought for some of the lovely ladies at the table I mentioned above. Fine, they are all mine.

Ode to the Fiero

I know the executives over at Pontiac read my blog. Hear me roar. BRING BACK THE FIERO!



I am predictiing it now, the redesigned Fiero will be Motor Trend's car of the year for 2007.

After School Special - Strangers with Candy

I used to find that when a hard decision needed to be made, there was no one better to turn to for advice than our good old 19-inch wood framed Zenith TV (measured diagonally). Back in ’89, on that faithful old set, I first encountered the afternoon special. I learned some of life’s toughest lessons, such as Ben Affleck doing steroids was wrong and dressing up as Kristy McNichol to mask the pain of alcohol is just plain stupid. As the years have gone by and my problems have gotten bigger, I can't say television has always provided that shoulder to cry on. It may be the fact that kids nowadays have extracurricular activites or maybe the Lifetime network has sucked all the fun out of showing what happens when you get your high school girlfriend pregnant, I really don't know. I spent a long time wandering aimlessly. That is until I found 'Strangers with Candy.' Some have said that 'Strangers with Candy' is the greatest after school special ever made, and whom am I to argue? The show focused on Jerri Blank, a 46-year-old ex-prostitute, runaway who was trying to get her life back on track. Without her I wouldn't know how to tie off a heroin balloon for smuggling out of Turkey. Jerri helped me define myself during the TV season of 1999. Sadly, though, she left the airwaves in 2000 with some of life's biggest mysteries still unanswered.

Just when I thought I hit rock bottom, Jerri came to my rescue again. 'Strangers with Candy' the movie has finally been released. I just got out of the theater and there is nothing I can say that my tears haven't said already. The years that have gone by where I thought burning a boatload of Haitians was wrong were truly a waste. Short of me bringing the video camera that was used to tape my Bar Mitzvah into the theater, there is no way for me to really relate how good this movie is, was, and will always be. I leave you with this, as I must go to sleep:
"Jerri, you thinking about the science fair?"
"No, I am thinking about pussy."

I love you, Oprah

I finally read 'Lovely Bones.' It was that book that people so gallantly mocked me for buying a few months back. I am not even sure if the big ‘O’ recommended it, nor am I positive if it was a good book or if deep down I am just a lonely housewife who really likes to read fiction. In any event I am ready for my next trashy novel. I wonder what Columbia House will deliver next.

What is wrong with people?

I am all for dressing my dog up in a sailor uniform, but I draw the line at dumping Nice and Easy on his head. That is just plain cruel.



Pink Poodle

Cookie

I don't care where you live or what you are doing, get in your car and go to City Bakery right now!! I just had one of their chocalate chip cookies and I have never been happier. I can't stop thinking about it. It is like my first crush, only this time I am not getting rejected.

Seinfeld Moments

Everybody has them, those moments in life where you might as well be on TV. If my life is being scripted by some higher being I think some copyright infringement might be going on. I clearly rolled through a couple of classic episodes of 'Seinfeld' over the last few weeks.

For starters, I ordered Pakistani food the other day. Okay, not really. I ordered Indian food but I really wanted to incorporate Babu somehow. Anyway, I ordered some food and when it showed up at my place the bill was $60. Not the most expensive dinner I have ever had, but certainly more than I wanted to spend on takeout. As I sat eating my chicken tikka masala, ruing the day that delivery food could be so much, the UPS man showed up at my door. He had a package from a friend that included $60 in cash. I was dumbfounded by this. I was clearly 'Even Steven.' How could this be? It was like when Jerry threw a twenty-dollar bill out the window and found a replacement in his coat. We can just forget the part where the sixty bucks I got from UPS happened to be money my friend owed me. In my mind it all worked out.

Does everyone remember how much of a clean freak Seinfeld was? Do I really need to remind people of the toilet brush in the toilet story? Well, the other day, the toilet was clogged and I was too lazy to plunge it. It was late and I swear there was no dookie in it. Due to a bad judgment call on my part, I made the mistake of telling Sarah about my refusal to unclog the pipes. She ran out to the garage and got the plunger herself. While it was still clean she plunged my bloated stomach as I tried to hide in bed. If that wasn't bad enough, she hit me with it again after she used it. Later she would claim she washed it, but I am skeptical. To make matters worse, after we had a plunger war that at one point had me plunging her ear, she placed the plunger on my brand new black MacBook, which was only three hours old. In typical 'Seinfeld' fashion I wanted to throw the contaminated device in the trash.

Maybe both of these moments were 'had to be there' events to really get, but I figured I would share anyway.

If you didn't find this funny go read the interview with Will Ferrell in the new GQ. If you don't find that funny, you are obviously more broken than my fecal contaminated computer.

Happy 4th!!

Isn't this the holiday where the Great Pumpkin flies from house to house giving all the nice gentile boys and girls presents for being patriotic? I wonder what I will get this year. Here are a couple of things I asked for:

1. World Piece (Not spelled wrong. I really want a slice.)
2. To understand what Shakira is singing about in the 'Hips Don't Lie' song.
3. To buy a cheese puff from Amy Sedaris.
4. A window air conditioner.
5. The ability to clone someone. Will go more into later.
6. Fully funded road trip to South of the Border in South Carolina.
7. A realistic looking cap gun.
8. A weekly column in New York magazine.
9. More original blog ideas!!!

Barry Returns

After a long month in Florida, I have finally returned to the left coast. As most of you know, my father died just under two weeks ago. With his passing I haven't felt like doing anything except marathon napping. I am hoping that writing will lift my spirits and get me back into some sort of normal routine. Since it has been so long since the last time my meat hooks slammed the keys of the Mac, I figure writing a review of 'Superman Returns' would be a good jumping off point to see if I have any wit left. Before I do, I figure I might as well mention two funny things that happened right before I left the Sunshine State.

Without fail, my aunt receives fifteen to twenty calls a day. With my father being sick, there was a great deal of repetition to her actual conversations. The calls would start with the usual "Hi how are you?" and lead into a great deal of sorrow as my aunt would sob with regards to her brother, my father. There is nothing unusual there. Sometimes, though, people just don't know how to respond. Case in point on this particular day, the response my aunt received to "My brother had a stroke and they don't think he will make it," was . . . "You think that is bad, my wife was terribly impacted last week. She had to go to the hospital for a suppository. She is fine now, though." There is actually a person out there who compared his wife's inability to take a shit to my father crossing the River Styx.

On another note, after my father passed, I was sitting in the mortuary when the funeral director asked me if there were any charities that I would like people to donate to in my father's honor. I told him anything with stroke awareness would be good. Without missing a beat, the director did a Google search on stroke awareness. Can you tell where I am going with this? The second site that came up consisted of a buck-naked woman with her legs spread. Get it? She was all about my stroke awareness. Seriously, though, it is amazing how a bit of laughter can help during a tough time. Who am I kidding? It was the porn that helped.

Now onto my review of 'Superman Returns.' I saw it late last night with a couple of friends who insisted on seeing it no matter what time the showing was. Within the first ten minutes one of my friends was sound asleep. Hopefully the dream version of Superman was more enjoyable than the actual movie. Before you read any further please take a few things into mind: 1. I have no problem ruining the movie for people, and 2. I am a comic book dork, which means my review might be based on minutiae that only a thirteen year old, acne covered virgin would understand.

Let's just bust out with the most idiotic concept in the movie, Superman has a kid with Lois Lane. Has anyone seen 'Mallrats?' If you had, you would know that Superman can't have sex with a mortal to completion. His super sperm would rip Lois Lane's uterus in half. What did Jason Lee say about a Kryptonite condom? The whole concept baffles me. Now, unless we forget this movie, like we were told to forget 'Superman IV: Quest for Peace,' how would they make a sequel without mentioning the super brat again? Shame on you, Bryan Singer!! The next flaw I have with this movie is the fact that so much of the first movie's dialogue and plot are repeated. Some of the greatest lines are reused. "Ottisville?" How many times is Lex Luthor going to try sink the US and build his own country? As for the lines, just go see it and you will know what I am talking about. The movie isn't all bad, though. The effects are great and Parker Posey makes a great Miss Teschmacher for the 21 century. You know what? It doesn't matter what I say about it anyway. Everyone is going to see it. Much like the train wreck that was the last 'Star Wars' movie, it makes no difference what you are told; you have to see it with your own eyes, to believe a man can fly.

R.I.P. William R. Fein 5/23/45 - 6/21/06