Has it been 37 years already

Sometimes I worry about my brother. He stopped shaving awhile ago. He likes to let the beard grow for about a month so it gets super scratchy, then when he can't take it anymore he has The Shave of Beverly Hills clean it off. That is all fine and dandy but they went out of business a few weeks ago. Now I am worried he will be walking around his apartment with a billy goat beard and shoe boxes stuffed with cum rags for shoes. It is like he is the poor man's Howard Hughes. No jars of urine yet but I am pretty sure his pants are full of shit. Wow this went off topic quick. I just wanted to wish my brother a happy birthday. Thirty seven years ago my mom was rushed to the ER and after seven hours, three feet of intestine and my brother emerged from her anus. It was a great day.

Enjoy the day you fag!


*Good news The Shave has reopened! It's a birthday miracle.

Shutter Island the review

You might be wondering why there is a picture of Bar Refaeli in a bikini above. Isn't it obvious? This same picture was hanging in Leonardo DiCaprio's trailer on the set of Shutter Island. Every morning he would look at this photo and say, "Please God let me stay rich and famous so I can keep banging chicks like this." The movie sucked. Shame on you Mr. DiCaprio. You disappointed me but I understand. You have to do what you have to do.

Why I will never make it in Hollywood

So this morning I was dropping off Monkey at LAX so that he could fly the friendly skies via Pet Airways to Colorado when who do I meet but none other than the star of Bored to Death, Jason Schwartzman. He was dropping off dog for a trip to NYC. We stood there for a few seconds exchanging pleasantries about each others respective pets while all his movies ran through my mind. Do I say something? Do I tell him I like Bored to Death even though his character is a bit Jewy? Before I could get the words out, Monkey decided to drop a man sized log basically on Mr. Schwartzman’s foot. I guess he was nervous. Damn it. Why does my dog have to ruin everything? Bad enough he has cancer. I awkwardly picked up his poop with the standard “this never happens inside" line coming out of my mouth. When I pushed my script (McDonald's receipt with my phone number written on it) into his chest he did not seem receptive at all. I totally blame my dog's bowel movement on my failure to get him attached to my latest egg mcmuffin project.

Mo'Nique gets Oscar nod

I saw Mo'Nique got an Oscar nomination for Beerfest this morning. I can't think of a more deserving recipient. The raw emotion she showed when she pushed Landfill into that vat of beer was gut wrenching. I really felt her anguish over taking a life. If that wasn't enough her interaction with Barry Badrinath was nothing short of genius. I honestly felt they were in love or at the very least I wanted a slap and tickle. Congrats you chocolate goddess. I am pulling for you.

Most talented, least successful Jew in Hollywood

I am beginning to wonder why I am the only Jew in LA who isn't rich. When I made that pact with the devil I assumed at some point I would be rich and successful in Hollywood. I had dreams of people kissing my ass while all my movie ideas got the green light without me ever writing a script. Then again that devil was a she-male wearing red horns four days after Halloween in El Segundo. I let him touch it with the promise of success. So far nothing but a rash.